Surfing; The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

Shifting from surfing to shoveling snow in a matter of days didn't feel substantial when it happened.  And now, as I've been shoveling on and off for a few weeks, it almost feels like the surfing never took place, but I know it did.  When I'm asked "how was Maui?" I still really don't know how to answer, I usually just say "It was great!"  That's an understatement and doesn't come close to encompassing all that took place during those three weeks in the middle of the ocean.

Surfing, for me, may have been the straw to break the camels back.  I've spent the last year of my life pushing myself in ways, that for years, I believed were no longer possible.  From rock climbing, to biking, to yoga and now surfing I believe I've sufficiently proven to myself that I can find a way to do anything I want.  If I start thinking I can't do something ever again, then really I'm just being lazy and not living life to my true capabilities.

Nothing I have done in the past compares to surfing.  I can't think of a feeling that equals paddling into a wave, letting it pick me up and then riding it as long as I can.  If you want to feel the true power of water, of nature, of things that are beyond you then you need to try surfing.  Empowering and humbling are the two words I would use to describe it.  Empowering to know you have the ability to pair yourself with something that dwarfs every aspect of your being, and humbling to be one with a wave and its strength. 

As I pondered why I've struggled to answer the simple question of "how was Maui?" I've realized to truly answer that question I would have to talk your ear off for a couple hours.  Most people aren't looking for that or simply don't have the time, but as I've stated before authenticity is something I take to heart in all aspects of my life, which is why I struggle with simply answering "great!"  Don't get me wrong, it was great, but not a light great, more of a multilayered somewhat heavy great.

This wasn't a drinking on a the beach for three weeks kind of trip.  This was a being a part of two week long surf camps for young adult cancer survivors trip.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, Millissa has extensive experience running adventure trips specifically for young adult cancer survivors.  I was lucky enough to be able to tag-along while she worked as the camp director for two weeks of Athletes 4 Cancer's, Camp Koru.  In a nutshell, what happens is approximately 15 young adult survivors fly to Maui, hangout together and learn to surf for a week.  A "campfire" is held every night to discuss various things related to cancer and what goes on throughout the week.  For the most part though, the common experience of learning to surf is used to catapult campers into forming authentic relationships and discussing all things cancer in whatever way is most beneficial to them. 

As my experience with young adult cancer camps is all with First Descents, another nonprofit that runs camps, I attended the first week of Camp Koru as a participant.  At first I had to fight the feeling building inside me that I didn't need to be a participant, that I was healed and beyond needing to attend cancer camp as anything other than staff, good thing I didn't hold onto that...  On the first full day of camp, myself and the other campers were herded to the beach to see what our natural surfing abilities were.  I took part in all the warm ups with my prosthesis on and then it was time to get in the water.  My prosthesis cannot get wet; I wondered around on the beach while everyone else got ready and plunged into the ocean.  I found myself on the beach with the founder of Athletes 4 Cancer, Tonia Farman, and Millissa (Wife/Camp Director, an interesting combination...) getting frustrated with me as I stalled on getting into ocean.

I hopped this way and that as my mind filled with memories of my former life, the time during a pickup game of soccer when I took the starting kickoff all the way down the field and scored on my own because I didn't feel anyone else was trying hard enough.  Or the last time I ever played soccer, when I could tell I was slow and out of shape compared to my past, hell I had been undergoing chemotherapy for months already, but I still had the determination and moxie to create space and bury one more goal in the corner of the net.  It is harnessing this energy, this unwavering determination that still scared me until recently.  In the past I harnessed it easily because I had no fear of failing.  Now, on the beach, I was trying to avoid my own power because I didn't want to know what it feels like to give everything I physically can and fail. Finally as wife/camp director's frustration builds and I am on the verge of getting thrown into the ocean, I get in.  Very quickly I found surfing to be well within my abilities, and also found myself harnessing that fierce energy within on a daily basis. 

Going through this experience with surfing, as well as with biking and yoga over the summer, has made me realize much of the lingering issues I have are related to my amputation.  The amputation is a consequence of the cancer, but in some ways it is a separate thing with a more physical presence and thus more longterm mental and physical aftereffects.  I found my way through, at least a good portion, of the maze cancer constructed in my mind.  But I couldn't move any further without tapping into a part of myself I had locked down after losing my leg.  I locked this strength down because of its potential to break me.  At the same time, if I never worked with it, if I never let it break me a bit here and there, I would never be able to authentically move through having cancer and losing my leg.  And most significantly I would never be able to put myself back together in a stronger fashion.  Early on I tried to regain my relationship with this part of me, but I found the mental pain overwhelming.  I would go to the basketball court to shoot and the ball would ricochet off the backboard out of my reach and I would be left to spend the next minute walking 90 yards to retrieve it.  My entire body would react like it used to but my prosthesis could not keep up.  It was too much, I just stopped, I didn't do anything physical for years that would stir any part of this up.

Keeping this locked down was holding me back though, I had done as much healing as I could without letting myself enjoy life the way I most enjoy it.  Pushing myself physically and mentally.

As the first week of camp carried on I came to a few conclusions.  No matter where you are with your cancer experience, journey, adventure, whatever you want to call it, you can still heal further and help others do the same along the way.  As much as anything though, I feel lucky, lucky that I have gone through what I have and been able to come out the other side with the perspective I have.  Lucky that I can hopefully help other survivors gain some perspective and maybe lessen their suffering by some amount.  Yet, as I went into camp feeling like an elder states-man in the survivor world, I came out feeling very cautious with how I approach helping survivors.  I don't want to force my experience onto others and I absolutely do not want to push someone into the emotional depths of their battle with cancer before they are ready to go there.  Even so, I will state this with no apologies, you have to go to the heart of any adversity that you face in life, cancer, losing a limb, a breakup, whatever it is, it doesn't matter, you have to go to the darkest and most painful places if you truly want to heal.  These places hurt like hell, when you are there you may think you will never get out but if you keep moving one foot in front of the other you will find yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel.  All this adversity, for lack of better words breaks you, but when you start to get to know the broken pieces then you can start putting them back together, and you won't put them back together the same way you did before.  The way they were put together before wasn't very strong, if it was you wouldn't have fallen apart.  But now you know the pieces better so you can fit them together tighter and the bonds between them will be stronger. 

The second week of camp I stayed on as a volunteer and did my best to help Millissa and the campers out as much as I could.  This was a great experience for Millissa and I as we still plan on fulfilling our dream of creating a non-profit to serve young adult Canadian survivors.  It was another great week that left me with plenty to think about and work on for running trips in the future. 

Upon returning to Saskatoon I found myself in a daze for a few days and then in a bit of a funk.  Eventually, I realized I was holding onto all the grief and pain my new friends from camp were facing in their lives, as if it was my own.  I was letting it dictate how I felt on a daily basis and letting it stop me from doing things I needed to do.  It took me a few days but I knew I had to let it go and I did.  If trying to help other survivors on their way is going to stop me from living a healthy life, then obviously it is not something I can dedicate my life to.  I believe this was just a learning experience though, I have carried my burden and will continue to do so, but I can't carry anyone else's. 

Cancer; it is a growing problem that is not going away anytime soon.  It is a problem that needs to be addressed on many different levels.  The adventure camps are an amazing experience for survivors and have a substantial impact in helping them get back on their feet, but when camp is over you still return to your life as it was before camp.  You may be invigorated and ready to make some changes, and maybe you can make them on your own, but in many cases having support post camp would be very beneficial to survivors. 

Sometimes, multiple times a day, I encounter someone who has had cancer or lost someone close to them to cancer.  I don't seek this out but it keeps happening, over and over again.  It stings a bit every time, to know the pain this disease is ravaging on the world.  As these encounters have piled up I've begun to ask myself if simply invigorating survivors through adventure and sending them back into the world to do what they will is really addressing the problem.  Don't get me wrong, it addresses the problem on a personal level but cancer is so much bigger than that.  The reason why diagnosis are sky-rocketing, why my encounters with cancer never cease, is because we as a human race have created a toxic environment that cancer thrives within.  We need to start addressing this now, to start education people on what we can do to begin reversing the damage we have caused and to hopefully someday see a drop in new diagnosis's of cancer and other diseases.  I know a cure is commonly seen as the ultimate goal, but that addresses the problem on a superficial level, not the underlying environmental causes of cancer. 

So to really attack cancer we must address it on many levels.  We need to look at the food we put in our bodies and how the actions we take in our daily life effect the environment.  And we still need to help survivors take their lives back.  My vision for what Millissa and I will create is becoming clearer and clearer.  I see an adventure camp that addresses the individual side of battling cancer as well as the broader environmental and cultural aspects.  I see a week long camp that will not only give survivors the tools to change their lives, but will give them the tools to change the world.  I see continuing support beyond camp and building a strong community that will effect more change by supporting each other.  Our goal is to run a trip by next summer.  As 2013 comes to an end I see nothing but blue sky on the horizon for 2014.

Bithday All the Time!

I'm hurtling across the sky back to Saskatoon and my heart is on fire.  I feel as always there is so much for me to do, and so much I must hold myself accountable to, due to the power and insight the life I've lived has given me.  

And it's my birthday... A birthday travel day, but there is nothing wrong with that.  What do you do on your birthday?  You celebrate your life, but is that something you should only do one day a year?  No!  I mean really you spend one day a year celebrating your existence and every other day mindlessly existing?  Of course not!  Which is why traveling through the middle of the night, by myself, on my birthday, doesn't bother a single cell in my body.  

I just spent three weeks in Maui participating in and helping run two surf camps for young adult cancer survivors.  Basically, I just spent three weeks celebrating life, and helping others do the same, a big group three week long birthday party if you will!  I celebrated life by figuring out how to surf and help my fellow survivors get back on their feet and reach their full potential, I don't know if there is a better birthday gift than that.  

I turned 29, getting old, or not at all.  I will say this, with each year that passes it hits me on a deeper level how close I came to not reaching the end of my 20's let alone the beginning and the middle.  As significant the strides I've made in this last year are, I still feel I am coming out of something and am just beginning to reach the potential I am capable of. Every experience I have humbles me, pushes me forward and illuminates the fact hat no matter how much I learn, there is always more to learn.  

I thank you all for your birthday wishes and kind words.  But most of all, I thank you for the support you've given me over the years that has allowed me to get back to celebrating life, not just on my birthday but everyday!  On your next birthday maybe you celebrate a bit more than on any average day, but don't discount the other 364 days of the year.  Everyday you wake up is reason to celebrate!  Wake up and laugh, wake up and be sad, wake up and feel your existence coursing through your vains and know that just being present and aware of what is going on inside and outside of you is a celebration of life. 

         Mahalo!  

P.S. Stay turned for a longer post about Maui!

Home is Where the Saskatoon is

Home, what is it, and where is it?  Going on five months in Saskatoon and I can safely say this is home.  I say that with confidence, even as I am realizing how much of a work in progress it is. Realizing how Millissa and I planned a wedding and my move to Canada, in a matter of a few months, with little thought of what would happen next.  I believe in the end it will only make us stronger, but this summer has had it's challenging moments as we grappled with the reality of being fully, lovingly committed to each other, while not knowing our relationship through and through.  Basically, we are doing everything backwards, making our commitment and then getting to know each other and finding our groove as a team.  I became an old man when I was 18 though and I'll do anything that helps me be a child again.

Millissa and I have new experiences all the time thanks to our newness to each other.  After spending the summer crashing in a friends spareroom we got our own house! But we don't have any furniture.... Yesterday a friend of ours, who has a garage full of furniture not being used, let us paruse and take what we wanted.  Which was great...then Mil and I had to move a giant couch and a dresser.  Mil is shorter than me and the whole robot leg thing doesn't make moving larger furniture the easiest task, but us being us, we just said "go for it!"  There was lots of grunting, but nobody got crushed so that is a plus.  I'm pretty proud of us actually, not just for our physical strength but for our mental fortitude, when you are stressing your body it is very easy to start pointing fingers, but we kept it playful even when Mil was halfway up the stairs and under the couch so we could get it flipped, turned, and jumblebumbled into the living-room.  

Saskatoon felt like home very quickly after arriving here, but Mil and I didn't really have a home of our own until now.  So that part of home is done, minus the furniture part, still going to have to move a couple things.  The other thing that weighs on my mind is career, work etc.  I keep pretty busy here, but there is a part of me that really misses having a job that involves helping people.  At its most basic level that is my sole passion in life, and even as my job in Portland wasn't the most fulfilling, it gave me an outlet to help people improve their lives.  Now, as the summer has passed and the novelty of being in love in a new place wears off, a part of me is starting to wonder what I am doing with the the personal career side of my life.  

For a home to be a truly all encompassing home it must have meaning on many levels.  My father once put it to me like this, "vocation, relation, location", that pretty much sums it up.  I don't know if I would put them in any certain order, as they are all needed and sometimes take precedent over each other.  As I've made clear, I'm good with location, and relation, but vocation is where I feel a bit lost. 

This part of my life was starting to take shape in Portland, but I gave it up for relations, well worth it and no regrets, but that doesn't mean vocation is abdonned for life.  I'm a helper, that's what I've found myself to be, but there are different satisfactions in life.  It is great to do a bunch of hardwork helping friends or family out, but that doesn't give you the same satisfaction that being able to provide for you and yours, through making the world a better place does.  Then there is the ego's part in it too; I want to be out doing my own thing, in my own way, even as opportunities to help others do their thing are readily available.  You can call it selfish or you can call it finding your path.  It's human nature, to find your path and you can't hold back when searching for it, you have to go to the edge, make yourself not just available but vulnerable and let life come to you even as you chase it down.  Sometimes the chase is wild and full of ups and downs, and sometimes it comes to a standstill, but it never stops.  And that's where human nature bites, we want to go to the edge even as we are afraid to walk there, we want it all but we'll hold back even when our destiny is hanging in our face.

Cancer made me grow up and learn things about life at a much earlier stage than is typical.  This held me back for a time as I pursued objectives that were necessary, but didn't mesh well with the compressed evolution of my mind.  A big struggle during college was the fact that it could teach me all the book knowledge in the world, but rarely did it teach me about life, I had trouble staying interested to say the least.  It took time, but after finishing college I began to realize there was no more room for growth if I stayed in Wisconsin.  I love Wisconsin and miss countless people there...leaving home is hard (topic for another blog at some point) but I had to leave.  So I left, went to South Korea, and maybe that was too close to the edge or it wasn't something I wanted bad enough, but I ultimately didn't stay there either.  

What I'm getting at is if you are not happy in your life you are likely not pushing yourself. Which you must do to be satisfied.  First you do it on your own, you keep pushing till you find a way to exist in stability, yet fluctuate and grow as life progresses.  Change is constant.  Than you find that someone who can hold you when the cliff is too high or you are too close to the edge, but will keep helping you grow while you do the same for them.  

Millissa and I both like to live on the edge, that is who we are and one of the things that drew us together.  Look at how we got married and my move to Canada, it's exciting, feels like how life should be, if only it was as easy as making life what it should be.  As the seasons change I'm gaining a hint of perspective on the recent past of my life.  

It's like this, you are walking towards the edge of a cliff and you can't stop walking, that's life happening, which it does, whether you do or not.  Are you happening?  Back to the cliff you're about to walk off..if you don't do anything you'll walk off the edge and that's it.  You're not dead and maybe you'll even do some hardwork and climb back up the cliff, but chances are you are not very happy or fulfilled in life.  But you don't just walk off the cliff, you do something!  You hire a crew of workers to keep extending the length of the cliff so you don't walk off the edge.  Those workers are all the things in life you have to deal with, forget about, be with, love and forgive, some will be massive and some will be minuscule.  Some people will have the best crew of workers and life will look flawless and effortless, others will not have the greatest workers but they will learn patience, perseverance and gain strength while learning how to work with their crew.  And for some it won't matter who their crew is, they'll go so fast the crew has no chance to build and they will fly off the edge, not coping with life.  Others will go slow and before they know it their life is almost over, but they've only made it halfway down their road.  Life is a balancing act, there are times when you will build and times when you will move, and times when you will build as you move.  Life is a contradiction, it is straightening and bending at the same time.  Change is constant.  You can have your opinions and beliefs etc. but life doesn't care what they are, life will not happen according to your beliefs.  You have to be ready for anything, you have to be dynamic like elastic when trying times hit, even as you have to be stronger and more static at these times.  Again, change is constant, don't be shocked if you fall as you stand.

Authentic Existence

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself sitting on the shore of the South Saskatchewan River, wondering what to do.  It was a fairly hot day, but the water was cold and I had spent all the time I could aimlessly floating.  As I sat in the sand I asked myself "what did I do at the beach when I was younger and got tired of swimming?".  That's when it hit me, dig a hole!  It sounds simple but there is technique involved when digging a hole at the beach.  The primary objective is to dig down to the water, but you don't want this to be too easy or too hard, so you have to pick the location of your hole carefully.  I would say three to four feet from the shoreline is ideal.  As you dig, the hole gets bigger and begins to cave in, which leaves you to try and keep it from completely filling in by constantly scooping sand out of it.  Eventually you end up with mountains of sand surrounding your now growing lake.  

When you get bored of slugging handful after handful of wet sand from your hole, the next step is building Drip-Castles.  I credit my brothers Zachary and Andrew with this innovation to beach hole digging, but I may wrong on that.  To create a Drip-Castle you grab a handful of sand out of your lake/hole, then you make a fist and as the sandy water mixture drips out of the bottom of your hand, you direct it where to land.  Slowly, but surely you will create your masterpiece!

After a while some kids took notice of said Drip-Castle, and immediately the questions started flowing, "what is that, what are you doing?"  I explained the Drip-Castle technique, gave a few pointers and they were off!  At this point, I had reached the adult "lay on a towel and relax moment".  As I layed down, I looked at my handy-work and the kids who where now frantically doing their best to create their own Drip-Castles and I was completely content with life.  

Recently, I stumbled across exactly what I am looking for in life, Authentic Existence.  That is exactly what this moment on the beach was.  It was simple, without thought and completely satisfying.  Satisfying to stumble across some kids actually enjoying the outdoors and to pass a strange tradition from your own childhood onto them.  Satisfying to feel the grit of the earth underneath your fingernails and to use that earth to create something new while knowing, like life, this creation is only temporary.  This time on the beach didn't speed up the immigration process, get me a job or pay my student loans, but it filled me with satisfaction and joy.  Which if you ask me is more important than all that other stuff.

So what is this Authentic Existence and how can it be achieved?  It is chickens in the backyard, giant gardens, it is helping people, helping yourself, trying new things and doing old things!  As technology continues to flood our lives, we are beginning to see the negative effects of this and are moving back towards actual connections and interactions with other humans and nature alike.  We are moving back towards feeding ourselves food we either grew or raised or know who did.  We are regaining our connection to each other and the earth.  This is important and required to lead a content life.

I recently spent the day with a friend on her organic farm and helped out with some farm work in exchange for vegetables.  I was very satisfied with this day and as usual found myself wondering why I live in a city.  I ended up with a large amount of beets and cucumbers and didn't really know what to do with either.  My cooking is improving, but is still very basic in most cases.  The beets I boiled and mixed with garlic and olive oil, delicious.  And the cucumbers, I made some quick fridge pickles with, super delicious.  Three jars of pickles gone in about a week, somebody likes pickles and I'm not saying who...

Again, Authentic Existence.  I've often wondered, for sometime, what the recipe is to keeping life exciting yet sustainable.  I had never made these beets or pickles before and even though they were easy to make, it was immensely satisfying to make them.  Which leads me to a key ingredient of Authentic Existence. Do new things, things you have never done before, things you are afraid of, and things you may not think you will enjoy.  These new things don't have to be super complex or take enormous amounts of effort, all they have to do is take you to a new place and break you out of ordinary existence.  At the sametime we are creatures of habit and we like routine, so follow parts of your routine even as you break other parts.  The key to life is to follow rules, breaks rules, create rules, and destroy rules.  

Last but not least, Show-Up!  It is easy to be your best self in moments that are inspiring and require you to be your best self.  Yet, there is no excuse for sulking through life just because you can.  I know this is something I struggle with.  Even as I have moved to new and much healthier places in my mind over the last year, I still find myself not showing up.  It is so easy for me to hide behind what I've been through, to say to myself "I've been through hell so I don't have to be present in whatever moments in life I don't feel like being present in".  This is all wrong though, I get the most satisfaction out of life when I am actually there living it.  There is no excuse for not living your life, so what ever your fears, strengths, weaknesses, and dreams, SHOW UP and have faith that in time your efforts will take you where you need to be.

Everything, Including You!

There are moments in life, when it instentaneously hits you that you are in a place you never would have imagined being.  Moments when, without warning or preconditions, you find yourself thinking, "how did I get here?".  As I'm writing this, the song in my headphones fades out and the Counting Crows "Mr. Jones" fades into the background, immediately what I am trying to capture in writing solidifies in my mind.  How did I end up in Whistler, British Columbia, drinking cheap Canadian beer, listening to a mediocre 90's hit, writing about oddly and reasonlessly present moments in life only to experience exactly what I am trying to put into words?  

Which begs the bigger question, how can one experience such moments?  Two nights ago, I found myself trying to sleep in the backseat of my wife's trailblazer while a friend of ours drove us through Banff.  As I looked out the window, seeing the night sky fly by, thinking of all the things that had happened in the last six months, I found myself not only pondering past events but cherishing the exact moment I was in.  These occurances come from acceptance, you cannot cherish the past, or learn from it unless you can accept it in the present.    

Millissa wrote me on December 29th, 2012, I didn't write her back for a few days and now it is mid-August 2013.  Within the last seven months we have gone from reconnected acquaintances, to Internet romancers, to new lovers and now being married just over four months.  It is funny being fully in love, but still getting to know each other.  We still have many firsts to go through, recently we experienced our first sickness together and of course it was at the worst time possible.  

I woke up on a Monday with a pounding headache and a fever; to say the least I didn't want to do anything but sleep.  The following day we were scheduled to take off on a 17 hour drive to Whistler, BC.  My condition left Millissa to do the vast majority of the travel preparations while I lay in bed.  She wasn't the most excited about this and I don't blame her, but there was nothing I could do. I was relieved to wake up Tuesday morning feeling quite a bit better and ready for a roadtrip.  The last thing I wanted was to send Millissa off on her own.  I was also concerned that she might get sick and if she did I wanted to be there to fill her role to the best of my abilities.

Now, I am sitting on top of Blackcomb Mountain while Millissa rests on the couch at a friend's house... she got sick.  Millissa and I both have a hardtime slowing ourselves down, but the virus we caught gave us little choice.  Sometimes you have to slow down, if you don't your body might make you.  There is a tendency in our culture to push push push and push, to constantly work towards greater "success", while giving yourself little time to actually enjoy your life as you live it.  Making things happen is good, but if you go too far you may start forcing things, which can have negative effects.  Which is why, to enjoy life, one must find a balance between making things happen and letting things happen.  Okay, end of life philosophy tangent, but these are the types of things that are easy to think about while on top of a mountain.

I look to my left and this is what I see! 

 I don't want to leave!  I'm listening to Sigur Ros, on top of a mountain!  Next time you are in a plane or on top of a mountain, listen to Sigur Ros! It is the best!  

These spaces, mountain tops etc. in the world make our connection to nature palpable.  The complex actions of letting go of our problems, and refreshing our perspective on life, become as easy as any number of daily tasks.  The real question is how do you do this in your own city or town?  When you're surroundings are parking lots and highways, how do you connect with nature?  Being on top of a mountain is great, but you don't have to be there to disconnect from your daily routine and get intouch with the natural world that always surrounds you.  Too often we seek the easy way out, and connecting with nature on top of a mountain, while majestic is just that, the easy way out.  So, the next time you find yourself bogged down and feeling outnumbered just look at the clouds, or a tree, anything natural and breath.  Remember that plants and animals, including yourself, are all here in this moment, dependent on the same earth and the sun for life.  Feel this in every inch of your body and know that there is no you and everything else, there is just everything, including you.

You Are ALIVE!

Well it's been almost a month, way too long.  In that time life hasn't been the most stationary, there was a week in Moose Jaw participating in a yoga teacher training, followed by a week back in Saskatoon and then another week driving to and from Whistler, British Columbia.  This hasn't left much time for continuity in daily living patterns, let alone time to write something linear enough that I feel comfortable having people read it.  That all being said, it is now August 9th and I'm not sure how or if I can do do an adequate job summing up the last month of life, but I will try.  

On July 14th, Millissa and I drove south from Saskatoon to Moose Jaw.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting into in attending a Yoga Teacher Training, when I had only been practicing yoga for a little more than a month.  What I did know is that I had nothing but respect for the teacher running the training (Ryan Leier), and that whatever happened I would make the most of the week.  Now comes the hard part, namely describing what actually happened during this week in Moose Jaw.  We have all had experiences in life that you try to explain to someone who wasn't there and you just can't quite get them to understand what that moment in time felt like, Moose Jaw was one of those experiences.  Yet, I know it was different for everyone there.  One thing is for certain, when you take 50 people, put them in a room, and then start stretching and pushing bodies to new heights, old scars in the brain start to soften and parts of the heart that may have been black for years begin to let light back in.  Ultimately, you end up with a group of people who's hearts are exploding anew with presence, joy and love for life.  Here is a tidbit of what I wrote during that week.

You wouldn't think that a transformative experience would occur while lying on a piece of rubber surrounded by fifty other people doing the same thing.  Moving the body in ways it never has before has an effect on the mind, on the deep layers of the mind, on the layers that can tear you apart because you have no control over them.

When a part of you dies a void is created, in the immediacy of loss that void is often filled with pain, sorrow and grief.  To heal this space, first it has to be delved into, understood and accepted.  Only then can it be excavated and replaced with a more positive energy.

Lying on the floor I can feel the difference in energy on my right and left sides.  Where my leg is gone there is pain, my left hand feels like it is on fire, when I touch my fingers to each other there is a feeling like an electric shock.  My hand is uncontrollably bouncing off the floor, over my heart and back, my entire body is convulsing, I'm on the verge of breaking in two, yet I stay, I won't run anymore, I won't fight life anymore.  As this feeling hits me I can feel life reentering, I can feel grief moving to a different place and a part me of that has been lost for years coming back home.  For one final time I am saying to myself, "just because I came close to death doesn't mean I have to act like I am dead."  I'm fully, presently, 100 percent, brilliantly, glaringly, beautifully alive.  I feel my heart is whole, and my entire being is connected for the first time in years.  Everything I want to do I can, losing a leg, my innocence, my youth, losing years to depression and confusion mean nothing in this moment, mean nothing from now on.  Yet, the years of turmoil have given me, in this moment, the wisdom and strength to embrace the grief within me, to bring it close and let it push me forward.  

This all took place after two hours of intense practice followed by 45 minutes of rest; all I was doing was lying on my back on the floor.  When I say my fingers felt like electric shocks when they touched and that my body was convulsing, I mean it.  I layed there for I don't know how long, letting all of these things I've fought against and done my best to push down and out of me come back in, I felt like I was going to have a complete breakdown.  I wanted to get up and run out of the room, I wanted it all to stop, my brain was still trying to fight life but I stayed.  After a time my breath slowed, and I felt more peace in my body than I've felt in years.  

I will say this, you could possibly find a scientific reason for the electric feeling in my hand, and what went on in my body during that 45 minutes.  But that is besides the point.  We spend too much time focusing on the logic and reason of everything only to disconecct our heart, mind and body further from each other.  When in fact, these three parts need to be connected, for us to be who we need to be for ourselves and for the world.  What draws me to yoga more and more is that it is about healing and deepening the connection between the heart, mind and body.  I don't see what the point is of getting extremely physically fit if your mind is a mess, and likewise, there is no point in getting your mind right but not taking care of your body.  You can look at yoga as all rainbows and butterflies, but there is also a fierce side to it, that is what I like.  

Do I feel the peace I felt in that moment on a constant daily basis now?  No I don't, but I know it is there within me and the wholeness of being that I haven't felt for years is growing stronger every day.  This was a transformative week without a doubt, but what it gave me more than anything was the knowledge that I still have plenty of work to do to consistently be the person I want to be.  Working through the loss and grief that I have has given me wisdom, strength and now I am realizing more and more, it has given me power.  Which is creating a further shift in me, to heal I needed support, I needed whatever anyone could give me to get through the most difficult years in my life.  Now, as I feel life bursting from within me I know it is time for me to use the knowledge, strength and power I have gained through facing death and the loss of my leg to give back.  

One of my main goals in life is to always remain humble, but I am realizing that that doesn't mean I must keep my mouth shut and not speak on what I know.  Still, I find myself almost intimidated by the knowledge I have, I don't want to throw around my beliefs on surviving and life etc. and carelessly hurt someone.  What it really comes down to is that when my life could have easily been taken it was not, and due to this I feel it is my duty to use the knowledge/power I have responsibly.  I'm still figuring out how to do this, but what I am suppose to do continues to become clearer and clearer as I continue to embrace whatever life gives me.  

That's all for now.  Another post will be up shortly about the Whistler trip.  Hope you are all having a great summer!

Healing Continues

I've begun to settle into life in Saskatoon and have had an easier time than expected keeping busy.  I still have a significant wait until the immigration process is complete, in which time I cannot work. I plan on staying busy that entire time, but when winter hits it may not be as easy.  Currently I've been filling my time with biking, reading, yoga and hanging out with Millissa, all pretty enjoyable and easy things to do.

I've had a number of these periods of time in life, where I am not able to work and am left with a pretty wide open schedule.  In the past they were filled with tv show binges and all kinds of time wasters.  I'm very determined not to fall into that situation again.  Yet, I find myself struggling at times because I don't have a set routine or a paycheck coming in.  The lack of paycheck is the hardest part.  It doesn't bother me that I am not making money, but it is hard not being able to help support Millissa and I, still I know this is only temporary.  And as much as it feels like it at times, I know a paycheck does little to define the contribution I am making to the world.  So I write...

My parents were in town for four days recently.  It was great to see them and show them around Saskatoon.  I will admit I was a bit worried having not played the host role for my parents before and knowing there is not an endless amount of entertainment available in Saskatoon.  For example, one of the local tourism websites suggest visiting the local landfill if you have ever wondered what happens to your garbage.  Now that sounds like a scenic vacation. We all survived the trip and had a good time even when I broke the cardinal rule of don't take Susan to actions movies.  Sorry mom, that will never happen again.  

It is interesting how roles change as life goes on.  A part of me is definitely used to being the one taken care of, which happens when you're sick and have to be taken care.  I'm trying to grow out of that, especially as I do my best to take care of Millissa.  Having my parents here, entertaining them and watching out for Millissa all at the sametime left me fairly baffled at times.  Millissa has led many group trips so she is very schedule oriented; we didn't have a schedule.  As far as I'm concerned it was a good exercise in patience for everyone, thanks for visiting mom and dad!

It's been almost two months in Saskatoon and the novelty has worn off.  I like it here, there are good people doing good things, I can't ask for more than that.  It is also nearing two years since I left Wisconsin.  I still find myself homesick at times and wondering what my siblings/best friends are doing.  And then you come back and everything has continued on without you.  Social circles have changed and nobody knows who you are etc.  It is strange to feel homesick for a place that was home for so long, while knowing you don't have a place there anymore.  It's easy to be homesick as well when you've been on the go for almost two years, and haven't spent enough time in any single space, for it to start to feel like home.  I write all this now knowing there is a good chance Millissa and I will move and start over again in the coming year.  I really look forward to the day that I know I've found my home.  Then again, "home is wherever I'm with you"-->Millissa!

The hardest thing with all the downtime is resisting the urge to shut down.  I've done my best to explain the complexities of what being a cancer survivor and amputee means to me.  And I'm beginning to realize in its simplest form cancer and losing my leg caused me to shut down, it took a significant part of my identity and I shut down.  I'm repeating myself but for the sake of continuity, before cancer and losing my leg three of the greatest joys in my life were running, soccer and basketball.  Up until recently I never wanted to acknowledge how much losing those three things hurt, but there is a deep deep feeling of sadness in me that I don't believe will ever completely go away.  I feel that sadness more when I am not busy and it tries to pull me down and shut me down socially, physically and emotionally.  I fought this feeling for a long time, refused to acknowledge the hurt in my heart and sabotaged healing by denying what losing everything I lost really means to me.  Now I stop; I cradle this feeling, let it in and man does it hurt, but then it softens and I can start opening back up and living again.  

I've made it my mission in life to continue to heal and grow beyond loss and cancer and help others due the same.  Which is why, starting Sunday, I am participating in a week long yoga teacher training.  I've been practicing yoga more regularly than at any other point in my life and generally feeling pretty good.  I don't know what this week is going to look like and I have no idea the effect it is going to have on me.  What I do know is that I am going to be spending a lot of time focusing on everything that is inside me.  So let the healing journey continuing and I will see you on the otherside!

Then and Now

What are you waiting for?  A question I've asked myself many times over the years.  I sit in a coffee shop, intent on writing but feeling blocked and unsure of what to say.   At this moment, I feel as I felt in January, that it is time to move forward, to keep breaking old habits and to continue building myself into the person I must be.  I feel a deep desire to lead by example, to go out into the world and be a prime specimen of what one can achieve in the face of life's obstacles.  At the sametime, I am still accustomed to the space I have occupied for years, a place where in most circumstances I've been a reluctant example of human will-power.  I am hesitant, hiding in the background, only taking the spotlight when urged too.  Yet, there are things I know to be certain, and a level of confidence I have in myself, that cannot be challenged by anything, because I know exactly what I am capable of.  I know these things to be true because of where I am at this very moment, in comparison to the places I've been in the past.

In the fall of 2009 my grandmother passed away.  I was living by myself for the first time in my life.  And I was beginning one of my last semesters of college.  I don't remember feeling particularly depressed at the time, but before I knew it the wheels of my life had shot off the wagon.   I dropped out of college, sat in my apartment by myself, stayed up half the night, slept half the day and had no strength to open my door and face the world.  Yet, I wasn't afraid, death had already come for me once and I had beaten it back.  I can see now, that that is what this rock bottom moment was about, if I had already beaten death, what was the point of life?  If death could come so close to me for no reason and I could beat it back just like that, what logic was there left to stand on while I was still alive?  In that moment I had no fear of death, and I still don't, I could die today, I really hope I don't, but if I did I wouldn't be afraid and I would die knowing that I did all I could to leave a positive mark on the world while living life on my terms.  In that moment, I was afraid of the freedom I had lost and then regained through winning my battle with cancer.  

I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night, feeling my senses dull, not knowing what I stood for and just wanting to feel something.  I left the house and walked to James Madison park.  I sat there, alone, in the dark, watching the waves of lake Mendota crashing against the shore.  And nothing happend, the world kept spinning and I kept breathing.  I was searching for an external spark, I didn't find it, that's not how it works.

I wasn't answering the door or the phone for an extended period of time.  My younger sister had called multiple times and told my older sister she couldn't get a hold of me.  Corinna came over and pounded on the door, I didn't want to answer it and at first I didn't.  I slunk to the floor, completely ashamed and wondering why I couldn't just open it.  She went to a window... finally I flipped the lock and let her in.  She asked me what I was doing, I had no idea.  I needed help but I didn't want it; I took it reluctantly.  Another moment where I am incredibly grateful for the strong and persistent family that I have.  

That was my rock bottom.  I wasn't doing hard drugs, or anything like that, I was just lost and overwhelmed by my own mind.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and put my life back together.  I am saying this now because I refuse to put my story out there without being brutally honest about it.  I am not a super human who beat cancer and never lost a step.  I lost way more than a step...  I spent years floundering, and feeling meaningless.  Recovery from any trauma is a life long process and the only way to be at peace with that is to accept it.  I put my story out there for one reason; I want to give people faith and belief that they can overcome/accept whatever life gives and takes from them and still live joyfully.

So now here I am, married for two months.  Living in Canada for one month.  The reality of the last half year finally starting to sink in.  Being with Millissa is incredible and unlike anything I've ever experienced.  We make each other happy, make each laugh, drive each other nuts and on occasion make each other mad.  We're really good at pointing out, to each other, all the random mannerisms we've developed over years, to the point that we aren't even aware of them.  Apparently, whenever I don't hear something, I don't say "excuse me, pardon me," or simply "what".  All I say is "huh?"  Which Millissa loves to throw back at me in an extremely amplified hill billyish voice.  I'll be nice and just say that Millissa is the only perfect being I've ever met.

For the last month Millissa and I have been helping coworkers/friends/family get their new yoga studio ready to open.  This is the studio Millissa is now managing.  During this time I've been able to witness Millissa doing what she does, namely working very hard and making things happen.  There have been multiple moments where I see her from across the room, see her in action and I am in awe.  I am so humbled and thankful to have this wonderful, present, strong and intense woman in my life.  As each day passes, our relationship grows and changes without losing any of its edge or excitement.  I am so glad I trusted my gut and rushed head-on into life with Millissa, it is the greatest and most worthwhile compulsion I have ever indulged.  

Last week I rode a bike for the first time in over eight years; for the first time since losing my leg.  Again my mind wants to ask "what were you waiting for ?"  I'll answer one more time, but then I am never asking myself "what am I waiting for?" again.  I wasn't waiting to ride a bike, I simply wasn't ready.  My mind was in a million different places and was more often beating me down, than letting me be present and kind to myself.  Physically, I could of started riding again years ago, but mentally I wasn't ready.  The one thing I was really waiting for, and I don't know if waiting is the right term, was peace.  I was holding on and pushing and pulling, looking for anyway to stop fighting myself, looking for a way to let go of the athlete I used to be and be the strong person I currently am.  So waiting is over, I am where I am, I will continue to heal however I heal and I will be present in the moment. 

The yoga studio openned over the weekend and I took part in my most intense class since coming to Canada.  I had prepared myself, before hand, to be ok with whatever I could and couldn't do in this class.  In the beginning the teacher asked everyone to set an intention.  I set an intention for the class and repeated the intention I have now set for my life, namely to never stop growing and healing.

I told myself I would not be overwhelmed and I would not spiral downward in my mind when I could not do a pose.  I told myself this is for your heart and mind to continue healing, this is for the leg you lost, the stump you rely on, the years you spent depressed and confused, and the truama you suffered through.  This is for healing and growth.  This is for Millissa so you can love her with all your heart.  This is for my parents and my siblings because even in my darkest moments they never stopped believing in me.  And this is for my community far and wide for always having my back.  THIS IS FOR LIFE BECUASE EVEN WHEN IT ISN'T FAIR, EVEN WHEN IT BREAKS YOU AND TAKES FROM YOU WITHOUT REASON, IT IS STILL BEATIFUL TO BE ALIVE!  

That was then, this is now.  Accept who you are, where you are.  

 

Regroup

I've made it through my first couple of yoga classes.  I want to run, to hide, but I won't.  In practice you are often told not to over-exert yourself, as far as I understand straining yourself is not the point of yoga.  When you can't keep up, when doing a pose hurts, you stop, go to child's pose or just lie on your back.  This is contrary to everything I've ever done physically.  My old philosophy was That I never stop playing as hard as I can, I don't care if you are bigger than me, faster than me or stronger than me because my will is stronger than yours.  Poof, gone, I can't live by that stance, not that that is necessarily a healthy or positive way to compete in anything. But, I know it is deeply ingrained within me in some form or another, if it wasn't I wouldn't still be dealing with losing my ability to compete the way I want to after all this years.

So I stop and lay down multiple times, at a yoga class in the park, surrounded by over a hundred people.  And everytime I stop, the same thoughts that have been haunting me for years stream though my mind can't, can't, can't, can't...  Again, that's not what yoga is about.  Still, this is painful and I can see that I am going to have be ok with stepping back and mental regrouping often.

I was having a conversation with Millissa recently, trying to explain how much of a process dealing with the mental side of my physical loss has been.  In those moments, where I am still talking about this, still hung up on this years later, I start to wonder, am I holding myself back?  Is this painful simply because I am saying it is or because it is has been a huge part of who I am?  Am I throwing pity parties for myself and basking in their glow.  Can I simply say it is time to let this go and move on with life and that is that?  I don't think there is a definite answer to that question.  What I do know, is that I do my best to put my story out there in way that doesn't lead people to feel sorry for me.

So that is what it is, what I've said repeatedly of late and what I keep coming back to.  By pushing myself anew, doing something I am not accustomed to, I am going to be spending time with the part of me that has said can't for years.  Legs gone, can't do that, can't do this, can't can't can't.  Probably my least favorite word.  At the same time, the only reason I am in this position to deal with all the can'ts is that I've made a conscious effort to say yes and can more and more often in my life.  Do I really want to sit with this hurt, let it seep into every inch of my body and bring me to the edge over and over again, not necessarily.  But, I know if I don't, I will live with it clawing at my conscious, trying to get out any way it can and that is not healthy.

And now, through marriage, I have another person I need to take into account all the time.  Something I am going to have continually improve on.  Everything I have been through has caused me to think pretty extensively on myself, when you're sick you can do that.  Which means I have to go.  She's is in the park doing yoga again, I've mentally regrouped.  Guess what body/mind?  You can do this!

Moving and Living

Closed up shop in Portland and now doing the same in Wisconsin.  I've been back for over a week, introduced my wife to countless people and sent her on her way.  Now I'm still here, on my own, for a couple more days.  Even though I've been gone for over a year and a half everything feels different this time.  When I left for S. Korea and then moved to Portland it never felt permanent.  I was gone but there was nothing stopping me from coming back to Wisconsin, but my own stubbornness.  That can't be said for the current circumstances.  I'm headed to Canada and I won't be back for anything but a visit anytime soon.  At the same time Wisconsin is my motherland, Spring Green, Madison, the rolling hills and 4PeteSake, among others, are all things that I love and have great pride in.  I will continue to hold all the people and places here close, while taking my energy and creativity with me wherever I go.


I find myself emotionally overcome by all that I've been able to accomplish in the first five months of this year, especially in the context of what I've been through in the last decade.  I wanted this year to be different and I wasn't going to wait around and see if it would be different, I decided to make it different however I could.  Five months ago I started this blog and made some simple goals for myself, be nicer, less judgemental, volunteer and work hard.  I had no idea where that would take me, but I refused to believe anything except that doing good things would lead to more good things.


Now, here I am, lying in my old bedroom at my parents house, with two more nights in the States before I embark on my journey towards Canadian citizenship.  After getting married and being apart for three weeks you would think Millissa and I being separated for three more days, before I get to Canada would be a piece of cake.  It's not, I am amazed at how quickly we have both become accustomed to sharing space.  I don't like saying things along the lines of "you complete me" or anything like that because I believe we are complete beings on our own, yet the ones we love most have the ability to bring out the best in us by simply being themselves.  That is what I miss; Millissa and I being ourselves and existing in our own ways in shared space, while bringing out the best in each other simultaneously.  


Three days really isn't that long of a time.  What is time anyway?  Time and the perception of it seems to get stranger as you get older.  Lets see, not even three years ago I was severely depressed and struggling through undergrad with little hope in the future.  From there I went to unemployed graduate, reading Moby Dick and overstaying my welcome on any and all couches I could.  To working in Madison, to teaching in S. Korea, to Portland and heartbreak/isolation, to thinking "you know what, this is all amazing, the mistakes, heartbreaks, triumphs and defeats, all of it has challenged me and pushed me to the point I am now at."  Still, as we get older and time flys faster, there are moments when I think "did all that really happen?"  "I really did all that staff in the last two years of my life?"  I know I did but it doesn't even seem real, it seems surreal at this point.  I mean there is no one in this world who I would have believed if they told me in January, that by April I would be married head over heals and moving to Canada.  Maybe there is something to deciding that I had to stop waiting to believe in life again and that I had to just do it.


And now here I am in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I made it through immigration with little problem which was a relief.  I was having some nervous moments leading upto coming here and even more so as Millissa showed me around the city on the first day.  It wasn't nervousness about Millissa and I, or moving to a city I've never even visited, I seem to do things like that often of late.  Millissa and I were eating lunch and she sensed my mind racing and kept pushing me till I would open up.  I hemmed and hawed as I'm still not completely used to this married thing where I can say anything, but Millissa persisted because she's great and that is who she is.


Once again, I find myself way out of my comfort zone, a place I'm getting more and more familiar with as well as a place that puts my issues at the forefront of my mind.  Due to immigration and the process of gaining residency I can't work for the first six to eight months I'm in Canada.  During this time I will be doing all kinds of things to keep busy; as Millissa will be managing a yoga studio, one thing I will be doing is yoga.  And that is what I am nervous about. After cancer I spent years in and out of depression, then I spent the last couple years healing and restoring hope in my mind, and now it is time to return to my body.  For a while I liked to think that I dealt with my intense competitiveness, but I'm beginning to realize I just buried it deep within me as I couldn't heel my mind and deal with the mental side of my physical loss at the same time.  And now, I know by doing yoga, by pushing my body, by continuing to heal, that the second I can't do something I am going to feel that pain of what I've lossed, the pain I've been running from for years, not out of fear but because I couldn't deal with it till I found a new equilibrium of existence and restored some of my mental strength.  So now it is time for this next chapter.


I spent my last day in Wisconsin with my mother.  One of the things we did was go and see a movie called "Free the Mind".  Among other things it followed some vets who were dealing with severe PTSD and not responding to traditional treatment.  The vets were put through a week of mindfulness and meditatiom training and at the end a number of the vets saw significant reductions in their PTSD symptoms.  A number of things struck me about this movie, one, I am not a vet but a number of the mental things I've gone through seem very akin to the symptoms of PTSD.  Two, at the very end of the movie there is a scene with the vets and their trainers are recapping the whole week, one of the trainers says, "just live, let yourself live."  That hit pretty close to home for me. In the simplest form what I've been going through can be summed up as, not letting myself live fully and enjoy the simply ordinary moments in life as I've lived with the fear of losing more after losing so much. And that's what it comes down to, whether vet, survivor or anyone else who has suffered or been forced to go through a traumatic experience, that experience wears you down and affects you in ways you can't understand in the moment.  I am more and more keenly aware of this everyday, I can tell when I get up in the morning and I am not letting myself live.  The more aware of it I become; the more painful and freeing it is at the same time.  


I haven't found the recipe for completely opening myself back up yet, but I know there is a reason I've jumped at all kinds of opportunities and moved all over the world the last couple years.  In the moment, as I made the decision to go to Korea, Portland and then Canada, I was unsure of the deeper reasoning behind these choices.  Now, I can see that I've done all of this out of a desire to live and free my mind and heart from the walls I've built  around them.  I wasn't sure how to live again, but I knew by moving around the world and getting out of my comfort zone, I would be putting myself in situations where I had little choice but to live.  It is interesting to look at the past couple years in this context, as I feel I've made some significant progress in getting back to myself and being the kind of person I want and need to be.  Still, I feel there is infinite room for growth and I look forward to the future and continuing to push myself, especially now that I have a partner to do it with.


What all of this leads me to is that I know on a deeper level exactly what I want to do with my life.  I'm not sure exactly what form this will take, but I feel, with what I have been through, I have to/want to help people live after going through trauma.  That is what I know, that is what drives me, that is what I am passionate about.  After losing something, or suffering for years, the last thing anyone needs to go through is years of mental turmoil on their own.  Yet, we all have our own life experiences, and not many people know suffering and trauma intimately, let alone know it, fight through it and then want to help others do the same.  But, I can't bare to think of my fellow survivors, gaining their physical health only to be depressed and frustrated with life for years to come.  Do I know how to stop this, do I have a plan, could I pull someone aside at this very moment and push them forward, probably not, but that is all the more reason to keep studying and pushing forward.  Everyone is different, everyone heals different so I need to find as many different ways to help people live as possible.  One thing I know I am going to do is get a Masters in Counseling... anyway, I'm ranting, but it is a relief to have found a calling that I have no doubt about following.  As usual, now that I have spelled all this out, I am itching to get started.  


That's all from Stoon for now.  You may be hearing more from me for a while as Millissa is the bread winner and I am the house husband!




Cheers, GET OUT AND LIVE!!!!!!!!!

Blogs on a Plane

I’m on a plane, flying hundreds of miles per hour, thousands of feet above the earth, leaving Portland, my home for the last 14 months, vanishing behind me.  The last three weeks have flown by and have included countless memorable moments. 

April 25^th, 2013 marked ten years to the day that I was diagnosed with Osteogenicsarcoma.  TEN YEARS.  It is hard for me to process that; hard to give it any form of concrete meaning.  And then I think about all the things I’ve done in the last ten years, all the times I felt defeated, all the times I wanted to give in and lay down and I know I never stopped pushing on.  If cancer did one thing to me, it made me realize I am a fighter.  It may not always look pretty but I know whatever storm comes my way, I can and will weather it. 

I had a moment a couple days after the 25^th.  I was walking home, the sun was out and it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  I started thinking about the last ten years in the context of the exact moment I was in.  I lost my breath and tears came to my eyes as I realized how hard I’ve fought to get where I am.  Illness wanted my freedom and I said “out of my cold dead hands”.  Since 2011 I’ve moved all over the world from Wisconsin to Seoul, South Korea to Portland, Oregon and now I am on my way to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I’ve realized I want a partner in life and found one.  I’ve worked extremely hard at improving the quality of life for countless individuals living with developmental disabilities.  And I’ve made friends all along the way. 

That’s the only thing that scared me about cancer; the possibility cancer would take my life and thus my choice to give my heart and soul to the world and those in need.  Not to mention it would stop me from finding a woman and giving her everything I can.  But, for those of you who know me, if you want to get me fired up, if you want to make me mad, just tell me I can’t do something.  Just get in my way, try and close a door on me and you won’t know what hit you.  I used to have little control over this fire within me; I’m proud of the goals I scored in my soccer playing days, but not all the yellow cards I got.  Now, I would at least like to think, I have more control over my fire.  It always burning but I’ve learned to use it in a more positive and less destructive way.  

I worked up until the day before I left.  Over the last year I have gone from lowest wrung of the ladder to floor manager of a day program for people with developmental disabilities.  It is an interesting field because you are being paid to provide a service to people, but you are also working with the same people repeatedly and providing them with care.  What I am saying is, yes, you are being paid, but you also develop genuine relationships.   While stepping down from my position and preparing to leave I found myself feeling like a father sending his kids off to college.  I reluctantly relinquished my responsibilities and worried, “are these individuals still going to get the same quality of care that I provided?”  I know they will and I’m already letting go but I am going to miss these genuine and unique beings.  When your job involves playing guitar and singing just because it makes people happy, it is a good job.  I could say a lot more but there are confidentiality issues in the field and I wont break them.

I spent my last week in Portland burning both ends of the candle, working by day and saying goodbye by night.  On Wednesday I spent the evening with my good friend Andrew participating in a Lego building contest.  We were given a theme, a bunch of Legos and 75 minutes to build.  The theme was funny.  Besides Andrew and myself there were two other acquaintances on our team.  One guy had participated in the contest before and said all the judges want is to see something funny and ironic.  After they said the theme was funny this kid says, “okay guys, what’s funny and ironic?”.  I almost exploded, “you asking me that is horribly and funny and ironic.”  I didn’t though, like I said I control my fire.  I suggested we build a giant mustache as a joke and they thought that was a great idea, I thought it was way too predictable and not very clever. 

Anyway, I just started building and one way or another we got on the subject of Arrested Development so we went with it.  We had a foot and a half tall Tobias Funke in nothing but jean shorts, complete with a window in the back of his head containing some Teamocil.  I built the sturdiest Lego Stair-Car ever made, complete with a hop-on.  Andrew built the prison containing White-Power/Dirty Ears Bill and George Senior.  He also built the Banana Stand, on fire, with money in the walls.  And to top it all off we found a Lego figurine with a cape and built him a segway…need I say Job?

There were some other somewhat impressive structures but nothing that blew me away.  The time limit came and went and then it was time for judging.  Considering we spent the first half hour having no idea what we were building I thought we did well but I didn’t think we stood much of a chance.  Then the other contestants started coming by, at first they would look confused and then they would start to put it together.  Everybody loved it and very quickly word spread through the entire bar that there was a Lego Arrested Development Menagerie on the back patio.  We WON!  The judge, when announcing, the winners said our piece brought out a lot of emotions, which I thought was funny, I mean come on, it is a Lego tribute to a sitcom, that shouldn’t get you that emotional.  It was great night.

                      Not the greatest photo, but you get the idea.

Then there is Millissa.  Getting married and immediately being apart for three weeks is not the greatest thing in the world.  Still, I am so proud of her for following her heart and getting way out of her comfort zone by going through two and a half intense weeks of AcroYoga teacher training.  It has been an interesting time for us as we are both going through very different yet challenging situations.  Me packing up and leaving Portland and Millissa honing her skills for the future.  Not to mention us both being incredibly busy and on a three hour time difference.  All that aside, I am really proud of us for handling the situation as well as we have.  Even if it is just a few minutes here and there, we made time to talk everyday.  With each day that passes our love grows stronger and I realize on a deeper level that I really have found the woman that stirs my heartstrings to no end.  And now we’re down to two more days until we return to each other. 

It hasn’t really hit me that Portland is no longer home.  I am going to miss a number of things about the city, but obviously since I am leaving it never exactly spoke to me in a way that made me think this is where I need to be in the world.  I don’t know what Saskatoon will hold for me, but I can’t wait to find out.  All I know is that I will keep approaching life with all the vigor I can muster because that is the only way I know.  I know this next chapter in life, being with Millissa, in a different country will be challenging but I also believe with my whole heart it will be amazing.  In closing, Canada, I coming for you with everything I’ve got! 

You Cool With That?

I've been married for a week now!  It feels real but I still can't believe it is.  Over the next few months I imagine everything will sink into a different level and I can't wait for that.  Being with Millissa is so incredibly easy and freeing, I want her around me all the time.  We can go from making each other laugh uncontrollably to having very intense conversations about what it means to be a survivor and how complicated mental healing is.  The dynamic Millissa and I share is what I always thought love should be; I am so thankful and relieved to have found her.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I don't know if I can sum it up because I was so floored and happy the entire time, but I will try.  Actually, no I won't, I am going skip a bunch and say, there were a number of dinners leading up to the wedding, and now I'll tell you about the wedding day.

The day started normally enough, breakfast, hanging out with family, wondering what Millissa was doing with her ladies.  I wasn't nervous.  We were hoping to have the wedding outdoors in a field overlooking the Columbia River Gorge, but the weather did not cooperate so we had to move it to the lodge my family rented.  Which was all good and fine, except all of the sudden the ceremony was moved from three to four, which meant I had an hour more to wait.  Still, I was calm and everything was good.

Then two o'clock rolled around and there was no food anywhere, I was thinking "wait, am I just not suppose to eat until after I get married, are you allowed to get married on an empty stomach?"  So I did the obvious, grab some brothers, friends, and a sister and said "find me Hood River's best tuna melt, cause I am getting married with tuna breath!"  Okay, not exactly but I did eat a tuna melt and brushed my teeth before the ceremony.

Post tuna melt I got back to the lodge and got changed into my wedding getup, still calm...  Then 3:30 rolls around and I am pacing, pacing nonstop and my heart is pounding, not because I am nervous or questioning my decision but because I can't wait to go through with this, I can't wait for Millissa and I to be bonded together for the rest of our lives!  So there I am, people are trickling in, and I am waiting.

The next thing I know, it's time and I am standing on the deck, the sun has come out for the first time all day, and my bride is walking up the aisle.  I knew she would be stunning and she was, INCREDIBLE!  Such a beautiful woman, I am so proud to call her my wife.  I was all smiles, maybe a couple tears.  The hardest thing was that the moment she got to me, all my instincts said kiss her!  KISS HER! KISS HER NOW!!!!!!  Which, I had to stop myself from doing, but the thought didn't go away.

My good friend, the Reverend Seth Alt, MC'd the entire ceremony, which was great because if there is one thing I know about the Reverend its that he will make you laugh, whether he means to or not.  He did not disappoint, after Millissa finished her vows Seth took an extended pause and then asked me, and I qoute "Are you cool with that Peter?"  It took me a moment to stop laughing, but my response was a resounding yes!  After that I gave my speech/vows and then came the moment we could kiss; my brain was still telling itself "don't kiss her, don't kiss her" so it took me a second to switch gears.  I stood there staring at her and then with great relief, I said to myself "hey! you can kiss her now!".

From there the rest is a blur, there were toasts, food, dances and so much more.  I could never have imagined the day coming together so quickly and going as well as it did.  Writing this a week later I would do anything to go back and do it all again!

At this point I would say everyone should get married, it's so easy.  So far marriage has involved sushi, Jurassic Park 3D, and sleeping in.  I imagine marriage over the years will be just like the first week... Well, actually quoting my mother "marriage and having kids are the hardest things you can do in life."  To be frank, I welcome that, I welcome whatever life has in store for Millissa and I.  What's the point of living if you don't do the hard things?  Where do you get your satisfaction if you don't put it all on the line and open your heart to someone?  There is no satisfaction without hardwork, there is no happiness without sadness, there are no highs without lows; don't kid yourself, we all know this is true.  All I know is I am thrilled to have a partner who is as energetic, passionate and motivated as Millissa is.  

Already I can see how this bond is starting to push me and put my own habits and idiosyncrasies in plain sight.  I like to drive, always have, always will; I like to drive and navigate at the same time.  What I don't like to do is be a passenger and tell the driver where to go when I know where to go and could just drive us there and let everyone else relax.  What I'm getting at is our rental car for the week was under Millissa's name and we didn't want to pay the extra chunk of change to insure multiple drivers.  So there you have it, right off the bat, I'm sitting shotgun, clamping my jaw, stomping out the selfish part of me that keeps repeating "I'm suppose to be driving".  

Millissa doesn't know her way around Portland, and I'll be kind and say is lacking a clear sense of direction.  Also, I don't have a car, so while I do know my way around Portland, there are still areas where I am not exactly sure of the best route.  On top of that there is a big difference between navigating for yourself in your head as opposed to out loud and for someone else.  For myself, I can think things like go over there, go there after you turn there... try navigating for someone else in that way.  "Okay, so we are going there, first turn there, then go there and right here you go that way then flip your car and jump the alligator pit and you've made it to Costco!"  

In one particular incident we were heading to the airport to pick up a friend.  The plan was to park in the short-term parking and meet our friend in baggage claim.  As we drove into the airport I was directing Millissa to follow the signs to the short-term parking.  We needed to make a hard left, I was pointing with both hands, "there, there, it's right there, go over there", we went straight.  My mother-in-law was sitting behind me, she whacked me on the shoulder and said "you're a horrible navigator, do you know words like left and right?".  It was a brief heated moment that very quickly turned to laughter, yes, left and right, those words that mean so much more than "no! Where are you going? Over there, over there!"  I got more used to navigating and not driving as the days went on, and as much as I didn't like it, anything that makes you break habits is good for you in some way.

The only time the entire week I almost lost it was when we went to Costco to buy beer and wine.  Mind you I've never been to Costco before, I'm surprised they don't sell children there.  That place is absurd, overwhelming and honestly made me a bit sick to my stomach.  If you want to see overcomsumption at its finest go to Costco. Need 20 lbs of bacon and four thousand rolls of industrial strength toilet paper?  They've got it all!  In lieu of any fore-thought or approximations of how many beverages were needed the cart was simply piled high.  I didn't even know six-packs of wine existed until then.

So what now?  The wedding is over and as much as I just want to keep celebrating there is work to be done.  I've got three more weeks in Portland, three weeks to pack up and get ready to move.  Three weeks to finish immigration paperwork.  And three weeks before Millissa and I get to be together for good!  The last one is the hard part, it is amazing how quickly and sure I am about having Millissa in my life on a daily basis.  Life is so much better with her around.  I don't mean that when she isn't around I'm worthless or that I'm relying on her to make my life better or to make me happy.  I mean that life is better when she's around because of the way we are together, because it is so easy for us to be ourselves with each other.  

That's all for now!