Well it's been almost a month, way too long. In that time life hasn't been the most stationary, there was a week in Moose Jaw participating in a yoga teacher training, followed by a week back in Saskatoon and then another week driving to and from Whistler, British Columbia. This hasn't left much time for continuity in daily living patterns, let alone time to write something linear enough that I feel comfortable having people read it. That all being said, it is now August 9th and I'm not sure how or if I can do do an adequate job summing up the last month of life, but I will try.
On July 14th, Millissa and I drove south from Saskatoon to Moose Jaw. As I mentioned before, I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting into in attending a Yoga Teacher Training, when I had only been practicing yoga for a little more than a month. What I did know is that I had nothing but respect for the teacher running the training (Ryan Leier), and that whatever happened I would make the most of the week. Now comes the hard part, namely describing what actually happened during this week in Moose Jaw. We have all had experiences in life that you try to explain to someone who wasn't there and you just can't quite get them to understand what that moment in time felt like, Moose Jaw was one of those experiences. Yet, I know it was different for everyone there. One thing is for certain, when you take 50 people, put them in a room, and then start stretching and pushing bodies to new heights, old scars in the brain start to soften and parts of the heart that may have been black for years begin to let light back in. Ultimately, you end up with a group of people who's hearts are exploding anew with presence, joy and love for life. Here is a tidbit of what I wrote during that week.
You wouldn't think that a transformative experience would occur while lying on a piece of rubber surrounded by fifty other people doing the same thing. Moving the body in ways it never has before has an effect on the mind, on the deep layers of the mind, on the layers that can tear you apart because you have no control over them.
When a part of you dies a void is created, in the immediacy of loss that void is often filled with pain, sorrow and grief. To heal this space, first it has to be delved into, understood and accepted. Only then can it be excavated and replaced with a more positive energy.
Lying on the floor I can feel the difference in energy on my right and left sides. Where my leg is gone there is pain, my left hand feels like it is on fire, when I touch my fingers to each other there is a feeling like an electric shock. My hand is uncontrollably bouncing off the floor, over my heart and back, my entire body is convulsing, I'm on the verge of breaking in two, yet I stay, I won't run anymore, I won't fight life anymore. As this feeling hits me I can feel life reentering, I can feel grief moving to a different place and a part me of that has been lost for years coming back home. For one final time I am saying to myself, "just because I came close to death doesn't mean I have to act like I am dead." I'm fully, presently, 100 percent, brilliantly, glaringly, beautifully alive. I feel my heart is whole, and my entire being is connected for the first time in years. Everything I want to do I can, losing a leg, my innocence, my youth, losing years to depression and confusion mean nothing in this moment, mean nothing from now on. Yet, the years of turmoil have given me, in this moment, the wisdom and strength to embrace the grief within me, to bring it close and let it push me forward.
This all took place after two hours of intense practice followed by 45 minutes of rest; all I was doing was lying on my back on the floor. When I say my fingers felt like electric shocks when they touched and that my body was convulsing, I mean it. I layed there for I don't know how long, letting all of these things I've fought against and done my best to push down and out of me come back in, I felt like I was going to have a complete breakdown. I wanted to get up and run out of the room, I wanted it all to stop, my brain was still trying to fight life but I stayed. After a time my breath slowed, and I felt more peace in my body than I've felt in years.
I will say this, you could possibly find a scientific reason for the electric feeling in my hand, and what went on in my body during that 45 minutes. But that is besides the point. We spend too much time focusing on the logic and reason of everything only to disconecct our heart, mind and body further from each other. When in fact, these three parts need to be connected, for us to be who we need to be for ourselves and for the world. What draws me to yoga more and more is that it is about healing and deepening the connection between the heart, mind and body. I don't see what the point is of getting extremely physically fit if your mind is a mess, and likewise, there is no point in getting your mind right but not taking care of your body. You can look at yoga as all rainbows and butterflies, but there is also a fierce side to it, that is what I like.
Do I feel the peace I felt in that moment on a constant daily basis now? No I don't, but I know it is there within me and the wholeness of being that I haven't felt for years is growing stronger every day. This was a transformative week without a doubt, but what it gave me more than anything was the knowledge that I still have plenty of work to do to consistently be the person I want to be. Working through the loss and grief that I have has given me wisdom, strength and now I am realizing more and more, it has given me power. Which is creating a further shift in me, to heal I needed support, I needed whatever anyone could give me to get through the most difficult years in my life. Now, as I feel life bursting from within me I know it is time for me to use the knowledge, strength and power I have gained through facing death and the loss of my leg to give back.
One of my main goals in life is to always remain humble, but I am realizing that that doesn't mean I must keep my mouth shut and not speak on what I know. Still, I find myself almost intimidated by the knowledge I have, I don't want to throw around my beliefs on surviving and life etc. and carelessly hurt someone. What it really comes down to is that when my life could have easily been taken it was not, and due to this I feel it is my duty to use the knowledge/power I have responsibly. I'm still figuring out how to do this, but what I am suppose to do continues to become clearer and clearer as I continue to embrace whatever life gives me.
That's all for now. Another post will be up shortly about the Whistler trip. Hope you are all having a great summer!
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