I've begun to settle into life in Saskatoon and have had an easier time than expected keeping busy. I still have a significant wait until the immigration process is complete, in which time I cannot work. I plan on staying busy that entire time, but when winter hits it may not be as easy. Currently I've been filling my time with biking, reading, yoga and hanging out with Millissa, all pretty enjoyable and easy things to do.
I've had a number of these periods of time in life, where I am not able to work and am left with a pretty wide open schedule. In the past they were filled with tv show binges and all kinds of time wasters. I'm very determined not to fall into that situation again. Yet, I find myself struggling at times because I don't have a set routine or a paycheck coming in. The lack of paycheck is the hardest part. It doesn't bother me that I am not making money, but it is hard not being able to help support Millissa and I, still I know this is only temporary. And as much as it feels like it at times, I know a paycheck does little to define the contribution I am making to the world. So I write...
My parents were in town for four days recently. It was great to see them and show them around Saskatoon. I will admit I was a bit worried having not played the host role for my parents before and knowing there is not an endless amount of entertainment available in Saskatoon. For example, one of the local tourism websites suggest visiting the local landfill if you have ever wondered what happens to your garbage. Now that sounds like a scenic vacation. We all survived the trip and had a good time even when I broke the cardinal rule of don't take Susan to actions movies. Sorry mom, that will never happen again.
It is interesting how roles change as life goes on. A part of me is definitely used to being the one taken care of, which happens when you're sick and have to be taken care. I'm trying to grow out of that, especially as I do my best to take care of Millissa. Having my parents here, entertaining them and watching out for Millissa all at the sametime left me fairly baffled at times. Millissa has led many group trips so she is very schedule oriented; we didn't have a schedule. As far as I'm concerned it was a good exercise in patience for everyone, thanks for visiting mom and dad!
It's been almost two months in Saskatoon and the novelty has worn off. I like it here, there are good people doing good things, I can't ask for more than that. It is also nearing two years since I left Wisconsin. I still find myself homesick at times and wondering what my siblings/best friends are doing. And then you come back and everything has continued on without you. Social circles have changed and nobody knows who you are etc. It is strange to feel homesick for a place that was home for so long, while knowing you don't have a place there anymore. It's easy to be homesick as well when you've been on the go for almost two years, and haven't spent enough time in any single space, for it to start to feel like home. I write all this now knowing there is a good chance Millissa and I will move and start over again in the coming year. I really look forward to the day that I know I've found my home. Then again, "home is wherever I'm with you"-->Millissa!
The hardest thing with all the downtime is resisting the urge to shut down. I've done my best to explain the complexities of what being a cancer survivor and amputee means to me. And I'm beginning to realize in its simplest form cancer and losing my leg caused me to shut down, it took a significant part of my identity and I shut down. I'm repeating myself but for the sake of continuity, before cancer and losing my leg three of the greatest joys in my life were running, soccer and basketball. Up until recently I never wanted to acknowledge how much losing those three things hurt, but there is a deep deep feeling of sadness in me that I don't believe will ever completely go away. I feel that sadness more when I am not busy and it tries to pull me down and shut me down socially, physically and emotionally. I fought this feeling for a long time, refused to acknowledge the hurt in my heart and sabotaged healing by denying what losing everything I lost really means to me. Now I stop; I cradle this feeling, let it in and man does it hurt, but then it softens and I can start opening back up and living again.
I've made it my mission in life to continue to heal and grow beyond loss and cancer and help others due the same. Which is why, starting Sunday, I am participating in a week long yoga teacher training. I've been practicing yoga more regularly than at any other point in my life and generally feeling pretty good. I don't know what this week is going to look like and I have no idea the effect it is going to have on me. What I do know is that I am going to be spending a lot of time focusing on everything that is inside me. So let the healing journey continuing and I will see you on the otherside!
Peter, you are so simply eloquent. Your words moved me to tears. Your losses and struggles are so familiar to me and what has happened in my own life - thank you for your continued exploration of how to find your place, how to make home in your life.
ReplyDeleteMany, many blessings to you, my friend.