Surfing, for me, may have been the straw to break the camels back. I've spent the last year of my life pushing myself in ways, that for years, I believed were no longer possible. From rock climbing, to biking, to yoga and now surfing I believe I've sufficiently proven to myself that I can find a way to do anything I want. If I start thinking I can't do something ever again, then really I'm just being lazy and not living life to my true capabilities.
Nothing I have done in the past compares to surfing. I can't think of a feeling that equals paddling into a wave, letting it pick me up and then riding it as long as I can. If you want to feel the true power of water, of nature, of things that are beyond you then you need to try surfing. Empowering and humbling are the two words I would use to describe it. Empowering to know you have the ability to pair yourself with something that dwarfs every aspect of your being, and humbling to be one with a wave and its strength.
As I pondered why I've struggled to answer the simple question of "how was Maui?" I've realized to truly answer that question I would have to talk your ear off for a couple hours. Most people aren't looking for that or simply don't have the time, but as I've stated before authenticity is something I take to heart in all aspects of my life, which is why I struggle with simply answering "great!" Don't get me wrong, it was great, but not a light great, more of a multilayered somewhat heavy great.
This wasn't a drinking on a the beach for three weeks kind of trip. This was a being a part of two week long surf camps for young adult cancer survivors trip. As I've mentioned in previous posts, Millissa has extensive experience running adventure trips specifically for young adult cancer survivors. I was lucky enough to be able to tag-along while she worked as the camp director for two weeks of Athletes 4 Cancer's, Camp Koru. In a nutshell, what happens is approximately 15 young adult survivors fly to Maui, hangout together and learn to surf for a week. A "campfire" is held every night to discuss various things related to cancer and what goes on throughout the week. For the most part though, the common experience of learning to surf is used to catapult campers into forming authentic relationships and discussing all things cancer in whatever way is most beneficial to them.
As my experience with young adult cancer camps is all with First Descents, another nonprofit that runs camps, I attended the first week of Camp Koru as a participant. At first I had to fight the feeling building inside me that I didn't need to be a participant, that I was healed and beyond needing to attend cancer camp as anything other than staff, good thing I didn't hold onto that... On the first full day of camp, myself and the other campers were herded to the beach to see what our natural surfing abilities were. I took part in all the warm ups with my prosthesis on and then it was time to get in the water. My prosthesis cannot get wet; I wondered around on the beach while everyone else got ready and plunged into the ocean. I found myself on the beach with the founder of Athletes 4 Cancer, Tonia Farman, and Millissa (Wife/Camp Director, an interesting combination...) getting frustrated with me as I stalled on getting into ocean.
I hopped this way and that as my mind filled with memories of my former life, the time during a pickup game of soccer when I took the starting kickoff all the way down the field and scored on my own because I didn't feel anyone else was trying hard enough. Or the last time I ever played soccer, when I could tell I was slow and out of shape compared to my past, hell I had been undergoing chemotherapy for months already, but I still had the determination and moxie to create space and bury one more goal in the corner of the net. It is harnessing this energy, this unwavering determination that still scared me until recently. In the past I harnessed it easily because I had no fear of failing. Now, on the beach, I was trying to avoid my own power because I didn't want to know what it feels like to give everything I physically can and fail. Finally as wife/camp director's frustration builds and I am on the verge of getting thrown into the ocean, I get in. Very quickly I found surfing to be well within my abilities, and also found myself harnessing that fierce energy within on a daily basis.
Going through this experience with surfing, as well as with biking and yoga over the summer, has made me realize much of the lingering issues I have are related to my amputation. The amputation is a consequence of the cancer, but in some ways it is a separate thing with a more physical presence and thus more longterm mental and physical aftereffects. I found my way through, at least a good portion, of the maze cancer constructed in my mind. But I couldn't move any further without tapping into a part of myself I had locked down after losing my leg. I locked this strength down because of its potential to break me. At the same time, if I never worked with it, if I never let it break me a bit here and there, I would never be able to authentically move through having cancer and losing my leg. And most significantly I would never be able to put myself back together in a stronger fashion. Early on I tried to regain my relationship with this part of me, but I found the mental pain overwhelming. I would go to the basketball court to shoot and the ball would ricochet off the backboard out of my reach and I would be left to spend the next minute walking 90 yards to retrieve it. My entire body would react like it used to but my prosthesis could not keep up. It was too much, I just stopped, I didn't do anything physical for years that would stir any part of this up.
Keeping this locked down was holding me back though, I had done as much healing as I could without letting myself enjoy life the way I most enjoy it. Pushing myself physically and mentally.
As the first week of camp carried on I came to a few conclusions. No matter where you are with your cancer experience, journey, adventure, whatever you want to call it, you can still heal further and help others do the same along the way. As much as anything though, I feel lucky, lucky that I have gone through what I have and been able to come out the other side with the perspective I have. Lucky that I can hopefully help other survivors gain some perspective and maybe lessen their suffering by some amount. Yet, as I went into camp feeling like an elder states-man in the survivor world, I came out feeling very cautious with how I approach helping survivors. I don't want to force my experience onto others and I absolutely do not want to push someone into the emotional depths of their battle with cancer before they are ready to go there. Even so, I will state this with no apologies, you have to go to the heart of any adversity that you face in life, cancer, losing a limb, a breakup, whatever it is, it doesn't matter, you have to go to the darkest and most painful places if you truly want to heal. These places hurt like hell, when you are there you may think you will never get out but if you keep moving one foot in front of the other you will find yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel. All this adversity, for lack of better words breaks you, but when you start to get to know the broken pieces then you can start putting them back together, and you won't put them back together the same way you did before. The way they were put together before wasn't very strong, if it was you wouldn't have fallen apart. But now you know the pieces better so you can fit them together tighter and the bonds between them will be stronger.
The second week of camp I stayed on as a volunteer and did my best to help Millissa and the campers out as much as I could. This was a great experience for Millissa and I as we still plan on fulfilling our dream of creating a non-profit to serve young adult Canadian survivors. It was another great week that left me with plenty to think about and work on for running trips in the future.
Upon returning to Saskatoon I found myself in a daze for a few days and then in a bit of a funk. Eventually, I realized I was holding onto all the grief and pain my new friends from camp were facing in their lives, as if it was my own. I was letting it dictate how I felt on a daily basis and letting it stop me from doing things I needed to do. It took me a few days but I knew I had to let it go and I did. If trying to help other survivors on their way is going to stop me from living a healthy life, then obviously it is not something I can dedicate my life to. I believe this was just a learning experience though, I have carried my burden and will continue to do so, but I can't carry anyone else's.
Cancer; it is a growing problem that is not going away anytime soon. It is a problem that needs to be addressed on many different levels. The adventure camps are an amazing experience for survivors and have a substantial impact in helping them get back on their feet, but when camp is over you still return to your life as it was before camp. You may be invigorated and ready to make some changes, and maybe you can make them on your own, but in many cases having support post camp would be very beneficial to survivors.
Sometimes, multiple times a day, I encounter someone who has had cancer or lost someone close to them to cancer. I don't seek this out but it keeps happening, over and over again. It stings a bit every time, to know the pain this disease is ravaging on the world. As these encounters have piled up I've begun to ask myself if simply invigorating survivors through adventure and sending them back into the world to do what they will is really addressing the problem. Don't get me wrong, it addresses the problem on a personal level but cancer is so much bigger than that. The reason why diagnosis are sky-rocketing, why my encounters with cancer never cease, is because we as a human race have created a toxic environment that cancer thrives within. We need to start addressing this now, to start education people on what we can do to begin reversing the damage we have caused and to hopefully someday see a drop in new diagnosis's of cancer and other diseases. I know a cure is commonly seen as the ultimate goal, but that addresses the problem on a superficial level, not the underlying environmental causes of cancer.
So to really attack cancer we must address it on many levels. We need to look at the food we put in our bodies and how the actions we take in our daily life effect the environment. And we still need to help survivors take their lives back. My vision for what Millissa and I will create is becoming clearer and clearer. I see an adventure camp that addresses the individual side of battling cancer as well as the broader environmental and cultural aspects. I see a week long camp that will not only give survivors the tools to change their lives, but will give them the tools to change the world. I see continuing support beyond camp and building a strong community that will effect more change by supporting each other. Our goal is to run a trip by next summer. As 2013 comes to an end I see nothing but blue sky on the horizon for 2014.
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