I’m on a plane, flying hundreds
of miles per hour, thousands of feet above the earth, leaving Portland, my home
for the last 14 months, vanishing behind me. The last three weeks have flown by and have included
countless memorable moments.
April 25th, 2013 marked
ten years to the day that I was diagnosed with Osteogenicsarcoma. TEN YEARS. It is hard for me to process that; hard to give it any form
of concrete meaning. And then I
think about all the things I’ve done in the last ten years, all the times I
felt defeated, all the times I wanted to give in and lay down and I know I
never stopped pushing on. If
cancer did one thing to me, it made me realize I am a fighter. It may not always look pretty but I
know whatever storm comes my way, I can and will weather it.
I had a moment a couple days after
the 25th. I was walking
home, the sun was out and it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I started thinking about the last ten
years in the context of the exact moment I was in. I lost my breath and tears came to my eyes as I realized how
hard I’ve fought to get where I am.
Illness wanted my freedom and I said “out of my cold dead hands”. Since 2011 I’ve moved all over the
world from Wisconsin to Seoul, South Korea to Portland, Oregon and now I am on
my way to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
I’ve realized I want a partner in life and found one. I’ve worked extremely hard at improving
the quality of life for countless individuals living with developmental
disabilities. And I’ve made
friends all along the way.
That’s the only thing that scared
me about cancer; the possibility cancer would take my life and thus my choice
to give my heart and soul to the world and those in need. Not to mention it would stop me from finding
a woman and giving her everything I can.
But, for those of you who know me, if you want to get me fired up, if
you want to make me mad, just tell me I can’t do something. Just get in my way, try and close a
door on me and you won’t know what hit you. I used to have little control over this fire within me; I’m
proud of the goals I scored in my soccer playing days, but not all the yellow
cards I got. Now, I would at least
like to think, I have more control over my fire. It always burning but I’ve learned to use it in a more
positive and less destructive way.
I worked up until the day before I
left. Over the last year I have
gone from lowest wrung of the ladder to floor manager of a day program for
people with developmental disabilities.
It is an interesting field because you are being paid to provide a
service to people, but you are also working with the same people repeatedly and
providing them with care. What I
am saying is, yes, you are being paid, but you also develop genuine
relationships. While stepping down from my position and
preparing to leave I found myself feeling like a father sending his kids off to
college. I reluctantly
relinquished my responsibilities and worried, “are these individuals still
going to get the same quality of care that I provided?” I know they will and I’m already
letting go but I am going to miss these genuine and unique beings. When your job involves playing guitar
and singing just because it makes people happy, it is a good job. I could say a lot more but there are
confidentiality issues in the field and I wont break them.
I spent my last week in Portland
burning both ends of the candle, working by day and saying goodbye by
night. On Wednesday I spent the
evening with my good friend Andrew participating in a Lego building contest. We were given a theme, a bunch of Legos
and 75 minutes to build. The theme
was funny. Besides Andrew and myself
there were two other acquaintances on our team. One guy had participated in the contest before and said all
the judges want is to see something funny and ironic. After they said the theme was funny this kid says, “okay
guys, what’s funny and ironic?”. I
almost exploded, “you asking me that is horribly and funny and ironic.” I didn’t though, like I said I control
my fire. I suggested we build a
giant mustache as a joke and they thought that was a great idea, I thought it
was way too predictable and not very clever.
Anyway, I just started building and
one way or another we got on the subject of Arrested Development so we went
with it. We had a foot and a half
tall Tobias Funke in nothing but jean shorts, complete with a window in the
back of his head containing some Teamocil. I built the sturdiest Lego Stair-Car ever made, complete
with a hop-on. Andrew built the
prison containing White-Power/Dirty Ears Bill and George Senior. He also built the Banana Stand, on
fire, with money in the walls. And
to top it all off we found a Lego figurine with a cape and built him a
segway…need I say Job?
There were some other somewhat
impressive structures but nothing that blew me away. The time limit came and went and then it was time for
judging. Considering we spent the
first half hour having no idea what we were building I thought we did well but
I didn’t think we stood much of a chance.
Then the other contestants started coming by, at first they would look
confused and then they would start to put it together. Everybody loved it and very quickly
word spread through the entire bar that there was a Lego Arrested Development Menagerie
on the back patio. We WON! The judge, when announcing, the winners
said our piece brought out a lot of emotions, which I thought was funny, I mean
come on, it is a Lego tribute to a sitcom, that shouldn’t get you that
emotional. It was great night.
Not the greatest photo, but you get the idea.
Then there is Millissa. Getting married and immediately being
apart for three weeks is not the greatest thing in the world. Still, I am so proud of her for
following her heart and getting way out of her comfort zone by going through two
and a half intense weeks of AcroYoga teacher training. It has been an interesting time for us
as we are both going through very different yet challenging situations. Me packing up and leaving Portland and
Millissa honing her skills for the future. Not to mention us both being incredibly busy and on a three
hour time difference. All that
aside, I am really proud of us for handling the situation as well as we
have. Even if it is just a few
minutes here and there, we made time to talk everyday. With each day that passes our love
grows stronger and I realize on a deeper level that I really have found the
woman that stirs my heartstrings to no end. And now we’re down to two more days until we return to each
other.
It hasn’t really hit me that
Portland is no longer home. I am
going to miss a number of things about the city, but obviously since I am
leaving it never exactly spoke to me in a way that made me think this is where
I need to be in the world. I don’t
know what Saskatoon will hold for me, but I can’t wait to find out. All I know is that I will keep
approaching life with all the vigor I can muster because that is the only way I
know. I know this next chapter in
life, being with Millissa, in a different country will be challenging but I
also believe with my whole heart it will be amazing. In closing, Canada, I coming for you with everything I’ve
got!
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