Regroup

I've made it through my first couple of yoga classes.  I want to run, to hide, but I won't.  In practice you are often told not to over-exert yourself, as far as I understand straining yourself is not the point of yoga.  When you can't keep up, when doing a pose hurts, you stop, go to child's pose or just lie on your back.  This is contrary to everything I've ever done physically.  My old philosophy was That I never stop playing as hard as I can, I don't care if you are bigger than me, faster than me or stronger than me because my will is stronger than yours.  Poof, gone, I can't live by that stance, not that that is necessarily a healthy or positive way to compete in anything. But, I know it is deeply ingrained within me in some form or another, if it wasn't I wouldn't still be dealing with losing my ability to compete the way I want to after all this years.

So I stop and lay down multiple times, at a yoga class in the park, surrounded by over a hundred people.  And everytime I stop, the same thoughts that have been haunting me for years stream though my mind can't, can't, can't, can't...  Again, that's not what yoga is about.  Still, this is painful and I can see that I am going to have be ok with stepping back and mental regrouping often.

I was having a conversation with Millissa recently, trying to explain how much of a process dealing with the mental side of my physical loss has been.  In those moments, where I am still talking about this, still hung up on this years later, I start to wonder, am I holding myself back?  Is this painful simply because I am saying it is or because it is has been a huge part of who I am?  Am I throwing pity parties for myself and basking in their glow.  Can I simply say it is time to let this go and move on with life and that is that?  I don't think there is a definite answer to that question.  What I do know, is that I do my best to put my story out there in way that doesn't lead people to feel sorry for me.

So that is what it is, what I've said repeatedly of late and what I keep coming back to.  By pushing myself anew, doing something I am not accustomed to, I am going to be spending time with the part of me that has said can't for years.  Legs gone, can't do that, can't do this, can't can't can't.  Probably my least favorite word.  At the same time, the only reason I am in this position to deal with all the can'ts is that I've made a conscious effort to say yes and can more and more often in my life.  Do I really want to sit with this hurt, let it seep into every inch of my body and bring me to the edge over and over again, not necessarily.  But, I know if I don't, I will live with it clawing at my conscious, trying to get out any way it can and that is not healthy.

And now, through marriage, I have another person I need to take into account all the time.  Something I am going to have continually improve on.  Everything I have been through has caused me to think pretty extensively on myself, when you're sick you can do that.  Which means I have to go.  She's is in the park doing yoga again, I've mentally regrouped.  Guess what body/mind?  You can do this!