I always thought I wouldn't be one of those people going "oh lord, I'm turning 30!". But now I find myself in that boat, maybe it is just so culturally perverse that I can't avoid it. Either way it feels significant now, but I'm fairly certain that a week or even a few days after it passes I won't be thinking about it at all.
On the other hand, as I continue to hit these regular life "milestones", I am continuously struck by the new and different perspectives I gain on the life I've lived. It is only natural to have perspectives shift over time, to know the things that have shaped your character and still come to a point where you think "did these events really happen to me?".
Which brings me to this, 10 years ago I was 20 years old, ten years ago I was still battling cancer and living at my parents house, tens years ago I was a child facing things far beyond me, ten years ago I was facing the fact that I would soon be an amputee for however long my life lasted and ten years ago, on some level, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was facing the stark reality that I would be lucky to live to see 21 or 22 let alone 30. So here I am, now.
Still struggling with the same issues I've had for years, understanding them better and deeper and striving to move beyond them, sometimes vigorously and other times reluctantly. I find my heart lights up when I can help people, and more importantly help people achieve things that they don't believe they can. I often wonder should I be pushing harder with this, should I be a world renowned motivational speaker by now? And while I do enjoy public speaking, I don't know if that is exactly who I am. For me, you can't be going around preaching that you can always make the best out of everything; the fact is life is going to kick your ass at some point. And honestly, I am of the opinion the sooner it does the better off you are; the sooner it does the sooner you know no matter what you have to live though you will be ok. Maybe I should be a reality speaker known as Doctor Peter!?
The fact is I do more or less believe anything is possible, but I also know trauma and difficult situations stay with people and take time, courage, perseverance, creativity and countless other things to move beyond. Even so you never really move beyond these things because as they break you, they make you stronger and that is what makes you who you are.
So some days I go out and teach Yoga to youth who have been through things I can't even begin to process. Other days I teach the young ones so they can see someone who has adapted and have something to draw from when they have to adapt as they grow up. Other times I am in line at a coffee shop with a woman who is recovering from a stroke, who notices my slight limp and strikes up a conversation with me. Next thing you know we're sharing abbreviated versions of our life story's and even though it is a short conversation, the connection there is so much deeper because in a matter of seconds the understanding of what we each have been through is significantly more profound than any of the words we have spoken. And then I head to work and do what ever I can for the individuals with disabilities I support to get in touch with the abilities they inherently possess and allow them to live lives full of joy.
Don't take this to be me tooting my own horn, this is how all good people live life. Whether you are a writer, a programmer, a teacher, a nurse, a cook, or anything inbetween (that's a shout out to you family!!!), we do it to make others live's better which makes our own lives better. So please, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you're doing keep putting you're heart in it, the world needs you.
On another level I know I help people because then I don't have to worry as much about myself, but if you go too far in that direction that isn't healthy either. I'm noticing I'm always willing to atleast attempt to take another commitment on, sometimes to the detriment of my own well-being. Which brings me to the present moment, turning 30 eve (is that a thing?), Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers' "Damn the Torpedos" blaring from my record player (this is definitely my turning 30 album, and it sounds so good on vinyl..) and all I can think about is change. More specifically the lifelong, fundamentally human experiential question of "do people change?" Which seems to creep up more and more the older we get, the more we get to know ourselves and the more we see others get to know us.
I do believe people change, I know I've changed, but I also know it takes a massive amount of discipline and heart to move beyond what are sometimes naturally inconvenient bad habits. I've wondered why I haven't continued to write atleast monthly and then I think "how many times can I write and rewrite the fact that my life has been hard". I know that the thing I know better than anything else in life is suffering. There is a flipside to that, namely triumph, perserverence and joy, so that is a part of my reality as well. But now as I grow older, and as mine and Millissa's relationship progresses, I am realizing how much my focus has been on the fact that I know what it means and feels like to suffer and lose things very near and dear to one's heart. Being so close to another, I am begining to see how this focus on suffering has shaped me and how it can shape my interactions with others. I swore off proclamations to the internet a few blog posts ago (that is ridiculous I'm even saying that). That beings said all I can think about right now is how do I bring more joy back into my life? How do I shift my focus, how do I move from sad inspirational figure, to joyful whatever the hell I want to be? Millissa has brought a ton of joy back into my life but I absolutely cannot rely on her to do that, so how do I do it myself? So how do I change! Not fundamentally change who I am, because I don't know if that is possible, but change my focus on what makes me who I am. I mean who wants to be made of suffering when there is real and palpable joy to be had? So maybe that is what this next chapter of my life has instore, I'm going to do my best to make sure it is.
I was chatting with a close/lifelong friend shortly before I got married, he said to me "it's like the old Peter is back". This struck a chord in so many ways, I had just taken a massive leap of faith and was full of nervous joyful energy so I understand it. Still, this idea that there was a new me and an old me, a happy me and a sad me and so on, it stung a bit to realize this wasn't so much an idea as a reality. Of course there is no going back and that isn't what I want. Again, shifting my focus, changing thought patterns moving from rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and grumbling while strapping on my prosthesis in the morning, to realizing how amazing it is that I am still alive and have access to the prosthetics I do. Stopping judging people who have not, in my eyes, lived through much and thinking "well you haven't lost so it is still easy to be inspired by life", how unfair is that? Not only to others but to myself for cutting off chances to interact and relate to people. I have things to share, perspectives, insight, experience and so on but so much to learn from others, and I have to start making more space for that to happen.
Alright I'm rambling now and this is getting too heavy for a birthday post. Listening to a song I wrote probably almost ten years ago now,
"I had no idea it would take this much to get here, I'm still heart broke about nothing, you're too good to be good, if it's worth it it's you know not always gonna be perfect, don't wait it's too late!"
Those lines pretty much sum it up, how much I didn't know then and still don't now, how heartbreak is just a part of life and even as it hurts it is a necessity, how striving for perfection is a waste of time and the things that are most important will never be perfect or ...nothing will, and how you can wait forever of you're trying to wait for the right moment or inspiration to change or take action. The bottom line, it's always too late to wait, but never too late to take action.
As always thanks for reading, thanks for the birthday wishes and thanks for all the support in the last decade!
Onward and Upward to a New Decade of Joy!
Don't worry about tooting your own horn; you are extremely awesome!
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