So it's been a bit over a week of 30 and all my questions and doubts about life have either been answered or disappeared. Thanks for reading my blog, that's the end.
Well, ok, not at all but in some form life feels different. I've realized,p with each passing year, there is a natural progression to life and growing up, if you will. When we are young it is so easy and natural to think everyone older than us doesn't know a thing. And maybe we don't have a clue as we grow older, we just get more comfortable with the reality of most things being out of our control and that even as we learn and gain knowledge there is so much we don't know and never will. Age is just a number sure, but growing older is a reality all integers aside.
It's not that I've ever really cared what anyone else thought, or that I've been consumed with what to do with my life. If anything I've been consumed with self-doubt, which is probably the crux of mine and many others' existence. But that is what you start to lose overtime, the self-doubt. I found myself the first few days after my bday, thinking "ok, what am I going to do with the next 30 years of my life?" But not in my usual anxiety filled and downtrodden way, in a much more "holy sh$t it is pretty amazing to have lived this long, have all kinds of crazy experiences and have so much more life to live". I've always believed I could do whatever I want, but in the past the focus there was much more on how challenging it would be to do the things I dream of. Now I find myself feeling more light and excited about building a dream. If only I knew what that dream was.
My first hero as a child was John Deere. I had multiple little green tractors, and even invented an imaginary friend/side-kick to Mr. Deere named Steering Wheel. The first song I ever wrote was "riding the bike with the tractor song" and I believe those were the only words. When my brother accidentally hit me in the head with a croquet mallet, the only time I cried was when I dropped my John Deere tractor while getting stitches. And the one my siblings loved most was the day my dad asked me, at the age of about 4, where we should go for the Sunday family trip... I said John Deere's House, because why not? We drove for a few hours to a small museum/farmstead in Northern Illinois, Dixon I believe, and got there shortly before it closed, everyone was thrilled. For the first six years of my life all I wanted was to be a farmer.
From there I became fascinated with Davey Crockett and in some ways, at least I would like to think, more so with First Nations' culture. I was amazed by all the things they made and found their clothing to be way awesomer than mine. Granted my corduroy overalls with trains and tractors all over them were pretty cool. I did my best to make and wear as many of these items as possible. I beaded, made pouches and drums and slept in my miniature teepee whenever I could. This lasted for quite some time. I was homeschooled till 8th grade; I remember the last couple years I was a bit weary of being seen roaming the neighborhood in my various outfits when the public schools got out for the day.
Intermixed with all this was an intense obsession with Legos. At any given moment I had about 80 sets put together taking up every space in my room. I loved building them and using my hands to put things together. I still have them all and will hold onto them and one day pass them onto my young ones as the current Legos don't come close in awesomeness to the older ones.
And then came Michael Jordan. I was too young and focused on Davey Crockett for the first 3-Peat, but I watched every single playoff game of the second one. I spent hours at the basketball court reenacting Jordan's numerous game-winners over and over again. I wasn't destined for basketball stardom though. I grew to my current 6'1'' with a size 13 shoe by age 13 and did not receive the gift of coordination until five years later. In not the greatest ways I embodied some of Jordan's overzealous competiveness in my soccer playing days. Sometimes I think I've grown out of that, but I'm realizing that isn't the case, I just don't play competitive sports anymore so it doesn't come out.
Intermixed with all that were numerous other obsessions from Whales, Medieval Times and Star Wars to the Civil War. There are also many many more embarrassing stories, but I'll leave that to my siblings to start their own Peter's Growing Up Story Blogs. I was definitely busted on more than one occasion having epic sword fights all by my lonesome in the backyard. Anyway, put all that together and my ideal job is something like a farmer, marine biologist, historian, carpenter. Although my 8th grade career quiz said I should be a Cake Decorator, that may have been the beginning of my lack of faith in public school and standardized tests. Is there a masters degree that covers all those? Maybe it is just living and learning?
So what is the dream? After all the childhood fascinations I've grown up to study psychology, become a musician, a fledgling Yoga teacher and a pseudo writer among many other things. I got into grad school for counseling before I moved to Canada and was slightly conflicted about not going, but now I am glad I didn't. I like to help people I know that, who doesn't, but I'm not sure how much my motivation for going into counseling is pure. I know it comes from experiencing trauma, chronic illness, loss and disability firsthand, but does it come from my heart? I thought for a long time I would be a carpenter, Legos showed me how much I love to build things, but after losing my leg I decided carpentry would be too physically strenuous so I never pondered it again. I am realizing more and more how much this competitive/physical energy still exists within me. How my brain thinks, great do counseling help your fellow survivors because that makes sense, and keeps drowning out my heart, which is saying go and physically give all the energy you can into something whatever it is because that is what is going to help you. I know it is not unique to me, but it rears it's head in different ways, the energy of life, the anxiety of it and right now I honestly think I would be miserable as a Counselor as I wouldn't actually be doing it for myself.
So again, what to do? Internet? Are you there? Do you have the answers? I've thought about going to school for prosthetics on and off for years and for whatever reason said no I don't think so, but now I am thinking that may be the answer, or more likely one of many. I know I don't necessarily need to go back to school as there are so many ways to learn and get to a place you like. But a prosthetics degree would give me some amazing knowledge, allow me to build myself amazing legs as well as help other people maintain mobility and or regain the ability to go be a competive jerk just like Mike. I would also get to work with my hands to build something.
If life has taught me anything it is that you can't heal the mind without healing the body, and that that goes both ways. As much as I know about the mind, as much as my mind never stops, I think I want to do something more tangible. And besides, whether I ever get a degree in counseling or not, if I can help people with their bodies', I can help people with their minds'.
It seems this blog has turned into my proclamation platform; going so far as to proclaim I will not proclaim anything ever again. So, I am proclaiming that I am not proclaiming someday I will attend a Masters in Prosthetics program, is that a proclamation?
What I do know is Millissa and I moved to Saskatoon with the idea of living here a year and then moving somewhere for me to go to school. It's been a year and a half and we are here for at least another year at the minimum. It is a great place, full of good people, doing good things so nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I think we've held ourselves back knowing we were potentially taking off sooner than later, afraid to really commit to friendships and what not, which is not a position either of us wants to be in. We are making our comitment to saskatoon for the time being.
I'm making my comitment to continue checking my focus, keeping it from falling strictly on the things I've lost and can no longer do and moving it to the fact that I cannot deny; I've been lucky enough to live a pretty incredible life upto this point and there is so much left to live. Prosthetics is on my radar and will continue to be for one reason, when I think about doing that I can feel it in my heart, if that stops, I won't do it.
Becareful with your dreams friends, make sure that they are really yours, that you feel them in your heart and in your body, that they are not exclusively backed up by reason and logic and then go for them with everything you've got!
P.S. The proof is in the pudding, that's me on the far right, homemade bow and arrow and all.
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