Dreams, Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

So it's been a bit over a week of 30 and all my questions and doubts about life have either been answered or disappeared.  Thanks for reading my blog, that's the end.

Well, ok, not at all but in some form life feels different.  I've realized,p with each passing year, there is a natural progression to life and growing up, if you will.  When we are young it is so easy and natural to think everyone older than us doesn't know a thing.  And maybe we don't have a clue as we grow older, we just get more comfortable with the reality of most things being out of our control and that even as we learn and gain knowledge there is so much we don't know and never will.  Age is just a number sure, but growing older is a reality all integers aside.  

It's not that I've ever really cared what anyone else thought, or that I've been consumed with what to do with my life.  If anything I've been consumed with self-doubt, which is probably the crux of mine and many others' existence.  But that is what you start to lose overtime, the self-doubt.  I found myself the first few days after my bday, thinking "ok, what am I going to do with the next 30 years of my life?"  But not in my usual anxiety filled and downtrodden way, in a much more "holy sh$t it is pretty amazing to have lived this long, have all kinds of crazy experiences and have so much more life to live".  I've always believed I could do whatever I want, but in the past the focus there was much more on how challenging it would be to do the things I dream of.  Now I find myself feeling more light and excited about building a dream.  If only I knew what that dream was.  

My first hero as a child was John Deere.  I had multiple little green tractors, and even invented an imaginary friend/side-kick to Mr. Deere named Steering Wheel.  The first song I ever wrote was "riding the bike with the tractor song" and I believe those were the only words.  When my brother accidentally hit me in the head with a croquet mallet, the only time I cried was when I dropped my John Deere tractor while getting stitches.  And the one my siblings loved most was the day my dad asked me, at the age of about 4, where we should go for the Sunday family trip... I said John Deere's House, because why not?  We drove for a few hours to a small museum/farmstead in Northern Illinois, Dixon I believe, and got there shortly before it closed, everyone was thrilled.  For the first six years of my life all I wanted was to be a farmer.

From there I became fascinated with Davey Crockett and in some ways, at least I would like to think, more so with First Nations' culture.  I was amazed by all the things they made and found their clothing to be way awesomer than mine.  Granted my corduroy overalls with trains and tractors all over them were pretty cool.  I did my best to make and wear as many of these items as possible.  I beaded, made pouches and drums and slept in my miniature teepee whenever I could.  This lasted for quite some time.  I was homeschooled till 8th grade; I remember the last couple years I was a bit weary of being seen roaming the neighborhood in my various outfits when the public schools got out for the day.

Intermixed with all this was an intense obsession with Legos.  At any given moment I had about 80 sets put together taking up every space in my room.  I loved building them and using my hands to put things together.  I still have them all and will hold onto them and one day pass them onto my young ones as the current Legos don't come close in awesomeness to the older ones.

And then came Michael Jordan.  I was too young and focused on Davey Crockett for the first 3-Peat, but I watched every single playoff game of the second one.  I spent hours at the basketball court reenacting  Jordan's numerous game-winners over and over again.  I wasn't destined for basketball stardom though.  I grew to my current 6'1'' with a size 13 shoe by age 13 and did not receive the gift of coordination until five years later.  In not the greatest ways I embodied some of Jordan's overzealous competiveness in my soccer playing days.  Sometimes I think I've grown out of that, but I'm realizing that isn't the case, I just don't play competitive sports anymore so it doesn't come out.

Intermixed with all that were numerous other obsessions from Whales, Medieval Times and Star Wars to the Civil War.  There are also many many more embarrassing stories, but I'll leave that to my siblings to start their own Peter's Growing Up Story Blogs.  I was definitely busted on more than one occasion having epic sword fights all by my lonesome in the backyard.  Anyway, put all that together and my ideal job is something like a farmer, marine biologist, historian, carpenter.  Although my 8th grade career quiz said I should be a Cake Decorator, that may have been the beginning of my lack of faith in public school and standardized tests.  Is there a masters degree that covers all those?  Maybe it is just living and learning?

So what is the dream?  After all the childhood fascinations I've grown up to study psychology, become a musician, a fledgling Yoga teacher and a pseudo writer among many other things.  I got into grad school for counseling before I moved to Canada and was slightly conflicted about not going, but now I am glad I didn't.  I like to help people I know that, who doesn't, but I'm not sure how much my motivation for going into counseling is pure.  I know it comes from experiencing trauma, chronic illness, loss and disability firsthand, but does it come from my heart?  I thought for a long time I would be a carpenter, Legos showed me how much I love to build things, but after losing my leg I decided carpentry would be too physically strenuous so I never pondered it again.  I am realizing more and more how much this competitive/physical energy still exists within me.  How my brain thinks, great do counseling help your fellow survivors because that makes sense, and keeps drowning out my heart, which is saying go and physically give all the energy you can into something whatever it is because that is what is going to help you.  I know it is not unique to me, but it rears it's head in different ways, the energy of life, the anxiety of it and right now I honestly think I would be miserable as a Counselor as I wouldn't actually be doing it for myself.  

So again, what to do?  Internet?  Are you there?  Do you have the answers?  I've thought about going to school for prosthetics on and off for years and for whatever reason said no I don't think so, but now I am thinking that may be the answer, or more likely one of many.  I know I don't necessarily need to go back to school as there are so many ways to learn and get to a place you like.  But a prosthetics degree would give me some amazing knowledge, allow me to build myself amazing legs as well as help other people maintain mobility and or regain the ability to go be a competive jerk just like Mike.  I would also get to work with my hands to build something. 

If life has taught me anything it is that you can't heal the mind without healing the body, and that that goes both ways.  As much as I know about the mind, as much as my mind never stops, I think I want to do something more tangible.  And besides, whether I ever get a degree in counseling or not, if I can help people with their bodies', I can help people with their minds'.  

It seems this blog has turned into my proclamation platform; going so far as to proclaim I will not proclaim anything ever again.  So, I am proclaiming that I am not proclaiming someday I will attend a Masters in Prosthetics program, is that a proclamation?

What I do know is Millissa and I moved to Saskatoon with the idea of living here a year and then moving somewhere for me to go to school.  It's been a year and a half and we are here for at least another year at the minimum.  It is a great place, full of good people, doing good things so nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes I think we've held ourselves back knowing we were potentially taking off sooner than later, afraid to really commit to friendships and what not, which is not a position either of us wants to be in.  We are making our comitment to saskatoon for the time being.  

I'm making my comitment to continue checking my focus, keeping it from falling strictly on the things I've lost and can no longer do and moving it to the fact that I cannot deny; I've been lucky enough to live a pretty incredible life upto this point and there is so much left to live.  Prosthetics is on my radar and will continue to be for one reason, when I think about doing that I can feel it in my heart, if that stops, I won't do it.  

Becareful with your dreams friends, make sure that they are really yours, that you feel them in your heart and in your body, that they are not exclusively backed up by reason and logic and then go for them with everything you've got!

P.S. The proof is in the pudding, that's me on the far right, homemade bow and arrow and all.

The Big 3-O!

I always thought I wouldn't be one of those people going "oh lord, I'm turning 30!".  But now I find myself in that boat, maybe it is just so culturally perverse that I can't avoid it.  Either way it feels significant now, but I'm fairly certain that a week or even a few days after it passes I won't be thinking about it at all.  

On the other hand, as I continue to hit these regular life "milestones", I am continuously struck by the new and different perspectives I gain on the life I've lived.  It is only natural to have perspectives shift over time, to know the things that have shaped your character and still come to a point where you think "did these events really happen to me?".  

Which brings me to this, 10 years ago I was 20 years old, ten years ago I was still battling cancer and living at my parents house, tens years ago I was a child facing things far beyond me, ten years ago I was facing the fact that I would soon be an amputee for however long my life lasted and ten years ago, on some level, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was facing the stark reality that I would be lucky to live to see 21 or 22 let alone 30.  So here I am, now.

Still struggling with the same issues I've had for years, understanding them better and deeper and striving to move beyond them, sometimes vigorously and other times reluctantly.  I find my heart lights up when I can help people, and more importantly help people achieve things that they don't believe they can.  I often wonder should I be pushing harder with this, should I be a world renowned motivational speaker by now?  And while I do enjoy public speaking, I don't know if that is exactly who I am.  For me, you can't be going around preaching that you can always make the best out of everything; the fact is life is going to kick your ass at some point.  And honestly, I am of the opinion the sooner it does the better off you are; the sooner it does the sooner you know no matter what you have to live though you will be ok.  Maybe I should be a reality speaker known as Doctor Peter!?

The fact is I do more or less believe anything is possible, but I also know trauma and difficult situations stay with people and take time, courage, perseverance, creativity and countless other things to move beyond.  Even so you never really move beyond these things because as they break you, they make you stronger and that is what makes you who you are. 

So some days I go out and teach Yoga to youth who have been through things I can't even begin to process.  Other days I teach the young ones so they can see someone who has adapted and have something to draw from when they have to adapt as they grow up.  Other times I am in line at a coffee shop with a woman who is recovering from a stroke, who notices my slight limp and strikes up a conversation with me.  Next thing you know we're sharing abbreviated versions of our life story's and even though it is a short conversation, the connection there is so much deeper because in a matter of seconds the understanding of what we each have been through is significantly more profound than any of the words we have spoken.  And then I head to work and do what ever I can for the individuals with disabilities I support to get in touch with the abilities they inherently possess and allow them to live lives full of joy.

Don't take this to be me tooting my own horn, this is how all good people live life.  Whether you are a writer, a programmer, a teacher, a nurse, a cook, or anything inbetween (that's a shout out to you family!!!), we do it to make others live's better which makes our own lives better.  So please, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you're doing keep putting you're heart in it, the world needs you.   

On another level I know I help people because then I don't have to worry as much about myself,  but if you go too far in that direction that isn't healthy either.  I'm noticing I'm always willing to atleast attempt to take another commitment on, sometimes to the detriment of my own well-being.  Which brings me to the present moment, turning 30 eve (is that a thing?), Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers' "Damn the Torpedos" blaring from my record player (this is definitely my turning 30 album, and it sounds so good on vinyl..) and all I can think about is change.  More specifically the lifelong, fundamentally human experiential question of "do people change?"  Which seems to creep up more and more the older we get, the more we get to know ourselves and the more we see others get to know us.  

I do believe people change, I know I've changed, but I also know it takes a massive amount of discipline and heart to move beyond what are sometimes naturally inconvenient bad habits.  I've wondered why I haven't continued to write atleast monthly and then I think "how many times can I write and rewrite the fact that my life has been hard".  I know that the thing I know better than anything else in life is suffering.  There is a flipside to that, namely triumph, perserverence and joy, so that is a part of my reality as well.  But now as I grow older, and as mine and Millissa's relationship progresses, I am realizing how much my focus has been on the fact that I know what it means and feels like to suffer and lose things very near and dear to one's heart.  Being so close to another, I am begining to see how this focus on suffering has shaped me and how it can shape my interactions with others.  I swore off proclamations to the internet a few blog posts ago (that is ridiculous I'm even saying that).  That beings said all I can think about right now is how do I bring more joy back into my life?  How do I shift my focus, how do I move from sad inspirational figure, to joyful whatever the hell I want to be?  Millissa has brought a ton of joy back into my life but I absolutely cannot rely on her to do that, so how do I do it myself?  So how do I change!  Not fundamentally change who I am, because I don't know if that is possible, but change my focus on what makes me who I am.  I mean who wants to be made of suffering when there is real and palpable joy to be had?  So maybe that is what this next chapter of my life has instore, I'm going to do my best to make sure it is.  

I was chatting with a close/lifelong friend shortly before I got married, he said to me "it's like the old Peter is back".  This struck a chord in so many ways, I had just taken a massive leap of faith and was full of nervous joyful energy so I understand it.  Still, this idea that there was a new me and an old me, a happy me and a sad me and so on, it stung a bit to realize this wasn't so much an idea as a reality.  Of course there is no going back and that isn't what I want.  Again, shifting my focus, changing thought patterns moving from rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and grumbling while strapping on my prosthesis in the morning, to realizing how amazing it is that I am still alive and have access to the prosthetics I do.  Stopping judging people who have not, in my eyes, lived through much and thinking "well you haven't lost so it is still easy to be inspired by life", how unfair is that?  Not only to others but to myself for cutting off chances to interact and relate to people.  I have things to share, perspectives, insight, experience and so on but so much to learn from others, and I have to start making more space for that to happen.

Alright I'm rambling now and this is getting too heavy for a birthday post.  Listening to a song I wrote probably almost ten years ago now,

"I had no idea it would take this much to get here, I'm still heart broke about nothing, you're too good to be good, if it's worth it it's you know not always gonna be perfect, don't wait it's too late!"

Those lines pretty much sum it up, how much I didn't know then and still don't now, how heartbreak is just a part of life and even as it hurts it is a necessity, how striving for perfection is a waste of time and the things that are most important will never be perfect or ...nothing will, and how you can wait forever of you're trying to wait for the right moment or inspiration to change or take action.  The bottom line, it's always too late to wait, but never too late to take action.  

As always thanks for reading, thanks for the birthday wishes and thanks for all the support in the last decade!

   Onward and Upward to a New Decade of Joy!

    

      

   

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, Two More Steps Forward

Way back in February or beyond that, I'm not sure anymore, I wrote and made some bold declarations of where I was going with my writing, the new year etc. and then I quit writing.  I've made many declarations over the years mostly about things I would do or become and in most cases they have not happened.  Understandably so I've become wary of making bold claims; most of us know words are much easier to speak than actions are to take.  So what happend?  I'm not exactly sure, two steps forward, one step back?

It is only human nature to relapse or regress at some point, it happens to all of us throughout life multiple times.  One moment we are on top of the world thinking, "I've really made progress in the last few months" and in the next moment we are right back where we started, wondering how we got to a place we thought we had finally left far behind.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a sob story, this is just my usual attempt to be honest.

For a couple of months I found myself back in the place I set out to leave behind when I started this writing project.  The place I had occupied for years, that in its purest essence is simply a lack of faith in myself and the world around me.  A place I never occupied in my younger years and a place, that overtime, I grew all to familiar with as I tried to muscle my way over the hump of Cancer, Amputation, Post-Traumatic Stress and Depression.  Alright enough, you all know that already. 

Maybe it was the eight months of winter with more than 30 days of temps in the -20's (I'm not exaggerating people, I always said Portland wasn't cold enough but get it together Saskatoon!).  Or maybe it was the 10 month wait for immigration, that didn't seem like much for the first few, but the weight of not working and simultaneously building a new relationship definitely grew heavier as the months carried on.  It really doesn't matter though, the only thing to do is say "alright, I made it through that, I'm ready to get up and face whatever is next" while knowing I am a bit stronger thanks to what I am now moving beyond. 

Onto the good.  As of April 6th I am officially a permanent resident of Canada!  What does this mean, I can now legally work in Canada and I have a health card.  Yes, I do have this whole free health insurance thing.  

I'm not sure the system here is the solution, well... I'm sure it's not.  In most cases it is good but with access to all comes long long long waits, which can mean getting your final diagnosis of various diseases a couple months after the fact, which may also be a matter of life and death (don't take that the wrong way, as far as I'm concerned health care is a right everyone should have).  This is a topic for another time though, hopefully someday health care will get sorted.  The biggest thing I've noticed is how much I am used to the American system and getting whatever tests, prosthetic maintenance etc. I need ASAP, that is not the case here.  Again, with access to all most docs want to make sure you really need what you are asking for so that everyone gets the care they need.  My prosthesis is covered, but I'm still navigating the waters and figuring out how to get the service it requires, appointments have been made though.  

Something I haven't mentioned, is that for the last six months I have been teaching Yoga to kids and youth of all ages, from kindergarteners all the way up to youth in their early 20's.  For the young ones I have to give a full story of my leg before we can do anything Yoga related.  This has been fun as kids will ask me anything and their innocence can bring me to laughter just as well as tears.  One question where I had to swallow a few back was, "how sad did losing your leg make you?" This from a sixth grader, my answer, "it made me sad for years".  And then I show them pictures of me surfing, climbing and completing marathons and tell them that whatever happens in life they are strong enough to continue on and live amazing lives.  And then we do Yoga, and they see with their own eyes how I can still move, stand on my head, crack jokes and share the things I've learned.  Not many things bring me more joy than this, it seems to be an amazing use of my life experience.  

I've learned many things from this experience; one of them being the age at which it is too young to give kids the chance to ask questions.  While teaching a quick 20 minute session with a group of kindergarteners, I gave time for questions and one child mumbled something, I asked her to repeat it and very loudly she said "there must have been a lot of blood" in reference to me losing my leg.  I stifled a laugh and quickly closed the floor for questions.  

I did mention that I can now legally work, which means I'm back in human services.  I'll be the first to admit it is not my dream job, but luckily it is a job I do find joy in doing.  I'm currently working in a house where I support two individuals with mental disabilities and even though I have a couple years experience they are teaching me many things.  Millissa sure appreciates the fact that I'm making some bread now too.

Which brings me to the other thing that has been progressing, Millissa and I have now been married over a year.  I can't really believe the first year of marriage has already come and gone.  Many things have happened and in all honesty it feels like the last year took place in about five minutes.  

What have I learned? Well first to state the obvious to anyone that has been in a longterm committed relationship; one of the best ways to get to know yourself is to be dedicated to someone, spend time with them on a daily basis and see them get to know you.  As much as I am getting to know Millissa, I am getting to know myself.  Seeing Millissa try and decipher the 15 different meanings of my 15 different inflections of "mmm hmm" has been as informative to me as it is frustrating to her.

The biggest challenge over the first year has been establishing the foundation of our relationship.  I assume that is the first and often most challenging step of all intimate relationships, it has been tedious for us at times but I know we are making progress.  What we do have and what is constant, is a deep seeded love for each other.  This doesn't mean we haven't come to the trivial place of wondering if we have either taken the greatest leap of faith, or made a large mistake by getting together so rapidly.  That's just it though, the love we feel is an unavoidable pull towards each other, it doesn't mean once the pull brings us close we know how to fit together.  This is any relationship's challenge in its purest form; how two people fit together.  

Dealing with finances, new jobs, lack of jobs and on and on, are all things that make it that much harder to meld our lives into one.  So we're married but we're dating.  Dealing with the hard stuff after doing the easy part and tying the knot.  With each day it gets easier and we still make each other laugh uncontrollably often so I'm pretty sure we got this.  Love you Millissa, looking forward to what the rest of year two has in store.

One thing it does have in store is a trip to Wisconsin in the coming days.  Millissa and I will be making the 18 hour drive from Saskatoon to Spring Green next week.  I haven't been home for the last two summers and Millissa has never seen the beauty of the Driftless Region in summer so I'm really excited for this coming trip.  As usual we'll be around for about a week, which won't seem near long enough but we'll take what we can get.  

One of many highlights of this trip will be attending the 10th year of 4PeteSake's Day in the Park.  For those of you who don't know, 4PeteSake is an organization started by some amazing individuals in the Spring Green community that supports people facing medical emergencies in their life.  It was originally founded in 2004 to provide the funds needed to purchase myself a state of the art prosthesis.  Needless to say I am humbled and honored to see how 4PeteSake has grown and continues to serve people in need.  I never could have imagined anything so incredibly positive coming out of the battles I faced.  If you are in Wisconsin get yourself to Spring Green on August 17th for a fundraiser like no other.  I'll be playing some songs and giving a brief speech around 5 in the evening.  For more info checkout 4petesake.com.  

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Freedom is an Oxymoron

Freedom as defined in the dictionary is "being unrestrained, or the power to determine action without restraint".  This is not freedom.  If you forgo all restraint and take whatever actions you like, say eat ten pounds of ice cream a day and start running red lights because you don't feel like waiting, where will that take you?  Will you be free?  No!  You'll be dead.  If you verbalized every random obscene thought that entered your head, you would end up with no friends and a slew of people who found you completely offensive, unless of course you are perfect.  That is not freedom.  Freedom is not impatience.  Freedom is not turning every hopeful compulsion into action, with the desire of finding pleasure.  

How do I know freedom is not all of the above?  Well, there was a time when I was searching for meaning and I wanted it fast and easy.  I thought maybe I could find it in ice cream and beer, or other things that temporarily took the angst of life out of my vains.  You can guess how that worked out.  I had some fun, but I didn't find any meaning.  The ice cream melts, the beer runs out and you wake up with a headache and an even stronger longing for meaning.  Freedom is meaning.  Freedom is waking up in the morning and being excited for what you're going to accomplish in the day.  

And how do you find meaning in life?  You don't just say, "hey, I want more meaning," and the sky opens up and says "here is your path to meaning, it's is bright and clear, just keep walking, piece of cake."  If only it was that simple, well actually no, nothing worth it comes easy.  Many of us are frantically searching for that thing we are going to do to make the world better and make our hearts swell with joy.  You won't find meaning if you don't stop searching for it.  You inherently know what gives you meaning, but if you don't stop trying to figure it out, you'll never get quiet enough to hear what you're telling yourself.  The world is chaotic, your mind is chaotic, your heart is full of things you need to know, and to hear those things you must have discipline.  Discipline will give you meaning, meaning will give you freedom; freedom is discipline, discipline is freedom.

Does your brain hurt now?  Why am I going off on this tangent?  Well over the last 40 days I have been partaking in a 40 Days of Yoga habit forming practice.  This means yoga and five minutes of meditation everyday.  It also means taking something out of my life and adding something in, i.e. discpline.  I toke out alcohol and added in an attempt to talk to people more.  I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 40 days, the longest span in close to ten years for me.  Alcohol is something I have used in excess at moments in my life, I have gotten a better handle on that over the last few years, but it still seemed and feels like a good idea to give it a rest.  I don't think the day will ever come that I don't like beer, just being honest.  Regardless, this has been a really good exercise in discipline.  

The first ten days were easy.  That isn't an incredibly unusual time for me to go without having a drink.  As I hit the halfway point I could feel the challenge getting to me.  While having discipline in part of my life I don't normally have, I found myself lacking discipline in places where I normally have it.  Suddenly, I found my diet going off the rails.  Every time I was out I wanted to buy a candy bar and a bag of chips.  Or steak, summer sausage and ribs.  I wanted salt, sugar and meat, that's it.  While my diet is random, I try to eat healthy and balanced, but am not hyper aware of everything I eat.  Still, this was not normal.  

It is kind of like the Whack-a-Mole game.  I smashed the alcohol mole, but the gorging, salty, sweet, meat-tooth mole came up.  At first it caught me off guard and I just went with it, twix, kitkats, sausage, pork, chips, ice cream, put it in a blender and pour some beer on top.  Mmmm heaven!  That didn't happen.  I've begun to push this mole back in his hole and am doing my best to keep him there.  This time has taught me much about discipline and how much balance and focus it takes to live a healthy yet enjoyable life.  If you ask me, the answer is not in disciplining yourself constantly in regards to everything.  You can't eat only the über healthiest foods, workout four hours a day etc. and be happy.  Likewise you can't do the reverse.

As far as talking to people more, it is another step in getting back to life.  I remember around my junior or sophomore year of high school talking to pretty much everyone, not really having a care and then something switched and I don't think I have communicated as openly ever since.  That something switching was the beginnings of worldview that was not very optimistic and left me prone to depression, among other things, for a long period of time.  This lack of communication was exacerbated by cancer and losing my leg.  I am open with what I have been through, but I know at times, more so in the past, I shied away from casual conversation because I got tired of telling my life story.  Which can be hard for me to avoid, you don't get far in knowing anything about me without hearing about cancer and the loss of my leg.  It permeates every part of my being, every belief I have, and most actions I take.  

Making communication a goal wasn't a thought that would have entered my head until recently.  I am realizing how much I packed all the intensity of cancer and losing my leg into a solid rock and put it on my back.  No wonder my communication was stunted, it is hard to have casual conversation carrying that weight around.  I'm still not much for casual conversation, facing your own end will do that.  As I've finally bowed enough to this weight for it to roll off my back things have shifted.  Notice I said bow, not throw, push, stand or anything that connoted fighting.  It took a long time to realize I couldn't push this away with aggression, I could only bring it close, let it in and let it break me.  So bowing, bending and throwing myself wide open was the only option I had to move the weight off my back.  And even as I did that, I first imagined that this rock was now underneath my feet and I could stomp and jump and it would break.  Nope.  Again, aggression serves no purpose.  

I've wondered for a time now, if I make my life heavier than it needs to be with what I've lived through.  Wondered if the weight is really as heavy and daunting to carry as I've made it out to be, or if that is my own mind.  I've wondered if the way I've lived in response to cancer and losing my leg is right, or if I really should just be happy to be alive.  In the past I've shied away from answering this question, but the other day without meaning to, I answered the question.  I've coped and done my best to live well during some difficult times.  Am I proud of everything I've done? No.  Are there things I wish I could do over?  Yes.  But I refuse to live in the past.  So the answer to this question is of course, yes and no.  But the real point is that it is all on me.  This weight, what I've lived through, no one but me can determine if I fall or stand.  I determine how heavy or light the burden is.  I determine if I say "look at how hard my life has been" and then give up.  Or if I say "wow, what a lot to live through in less than 30 years" and then get up and run with the opportunity I have to demonstrate the strength of the human spirit.  I feel more lightness than I've felt in years, now that I have admitted to myself that no matter what happens to me, it is 100 percent my responsibility to make my life awesome!

So freedom isn't Ford trucks, something someone can take from you, or French fries.  Freedom is the ability to choose the way you discipline yourself, it is the ability to have a dream and then hunker down and do the hardwork to achieve it.  It is having balance, holding yourself accountable and also saying forget it, doing something completely contrary to your dream, being ok with that, and regrouping and getting back to it in the morning.  More than anything it is taking FULL responsibility for YOUR life.  That is where it all starts.  

Looking back, Looking Forward

I started last year by setting an overall resolution to be kinder to myself, and to love myself, no matter how often I fell victim to the human condition of feeling less than adequate.  Another goal I set for myself, was to do everything I could to get out from under the omnipresent, and menacing storm clouds cancer had left dangling over my entire adult life.  These are too pretty broad resolutions, and honestly the first one plays a large part in achieving the second one.  So where did these goals lead me and leave me as 2014 plows ahead in disregard of all that was 2013?

Well first off, I would say I did an admirable job of pushing beyond my comfort zone, to get back to life, while also significantly reducing my habitual and self-defeating thought patterns.  I still have moments in my head where I am wondering what caused me to take the actions I have, that led me to an either uncomfortable, or unwanted place.  In past situations like this I would have compounded the occasion with further thoughts of "Peter, you're not good enough etc.", but now I find myself almost amused more than anything, at the endless capacity humans have to make mistakes.  Recently Millissa and I had an amazing grocery shopping experience ...while arguing with each other.  A few days later when the dust had settled we realized without talking to each other we had bought four boxes of crackers and about three pounds of olives, now that's a diet that will sustain you!  I'm laughing about this as I write it, mistakes are part of the spice of life and they are great learning tools, hopefully you don't have to make them repeatedly.  I can tell you I will not be doing any disgruntled grocery shopping in the near future.

There are a number of concrete things I can point to, in regards to blowing those storm clouds away.  First, the big one, getting married and moving to Canada to be with Millissa and start building a partnership for life.  This never would have happened if I hadn't set my intention in the beginning of 2013 to say yes to the opportunities life gave me to grow and again, move out from under those storm clouds.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, marrying Millissa is the greatest compulsion I have ever indulged.  That being said, my dad put it this way, "you guys have an arranged marriage, but you arranged it yourselves".  As the months have gone on we have found ourselves searching for a groove and adjusting to each other's constant presence.  I'm not going to lie and say things are all rainbows and butterflies, there have been all sorts of challenges and the preceding months have been the most challenging.  I am not shocked by anything that has come up, especially with the order in which we did things, most people don't get married and then build their relationship.  But we are not most people, and my heart and intuition still burn brightly with the same intense love I felt the moment I asked Millissa to marry me.  Which brings me to my first goal for 2014, to continue putting my best foot forward in building a relationship Millissa and I can rely on for the rest of our lives.  

The other thing I new I had to face if I was really going to get back to living, and which I have written about fairly extensively, was being active despite the parts of my body I have lost.  This is something I have avoided for years as the pain associated with the loss of my leg runs deep and had a tight grip on my soul.  Before this year I had completed seven marathons on a handcycle and achieved moderate skills in whitewater kayaking, but these were both sports that in no way, shape, or form made me look the loss of my leg square in the eye.  It took time and multiple efforts, but in 2013 I quit turning my back on myself and the reality that living as an amputee is.  I started biking again for the first time in eight years, I cannot put the joy that brings me into words.  I spent an incredible three weeks on Maui defying gravity and altering my own perception of what I am capable of by surfing on one leg.  The thing that really did it though, that made me spend the most time with all the emotion and pain associated with my amputation and that still makes me look at the parts of me I uncontrollably want to avoid was and is yoga. 

When I first started practicing yoga it was a challenge just to walk into a class, fairly quickly I got over that and have been practicing at home or at the studio more days than not since June.  As my practice evolved more specific poses became challenging.  And then as I found a bit more stability over time other poses challenged me because, in order to do them I have to engage what is left of my left leg.  I can feel parts of my left hip that have been in little use for years now, I can feel the emotional trauma present in these muscles that have been dormant.  I can feel such a release at times that my body shakes uncontrollably even as I want to be still.  And all this opening of my body and mind really just makes me want to run, but the stronger my desire to run is, the strong my will and discipline to go back becomes.  I'm sticking with the philosophy, that some of the most important things you have to do in life in order to grow, are the things you least want to do.  

I have also been taking a climbing class for the last couple of months.  It is a love hate relationship, as I still don't like being more than a few feet off the ground, but it is sinking its grip further and further into my skin the more times I climb.  What can I say, you have to stay active when it is negative 50 and colder than Mars for half the winter.

So those are the concrete external things I've done in the last year, which brings me back to the internal and psychological.  The understanding I have of my psyche post cancer/amputation is greater than at any point in my life.  Cancer and losing my leg made me feel weak.  Beating cancer and falling victim to depression and self-defeating behaviors made me feel weak.  All the weakness I felt caused me to spend a significant time avoiding anything that would heighten my awareness to my perceived weakness.  Was this wrong, was it right, it doesn't matter.  I still want to go there fairly often, I get six feet up the wall at the climbing gym, and I want to quit.  I don't want to get on my yoga mat ALL the time, due to the intensity it puts in my face.  But I won't stop and the better I know and the more often I confront my weaknesses, the more I will dissolve them because the truth is my strength is as infinite as I want it to be.  

Which brings me to the present and what I am shooting for in 2014.  After spending a year focusing on loving myself and putting little to no pressure on myself no matter the mistakes I made, I find myself seeking something more.  I am beginning to think that loving myself also means holding myself accountable and making sure my productivity and creativity are opporating at a high level.  And then the other day I stumbled across this qoute.

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

        ― E.B. White

You're right, that is the author of "Charlette's Web", maybe I need to go back and read that book.  This qoute basically sums up my daily life and my struggle "to plan the day".  Among the many things cancer, losing a limb and spending extended time in a hospital taught me is that it is never too early to cherish and enjoy everything in life, the small, medium, big and huge things all included.  Yet, I am 29, and am supposed to have no aversion to working myself silly to achieve the career of my dreams.  While in reality, I have no trouble taking 20 minutes in the middle of any given day to read a chapter in whatever fiction has a grip on me, work emails, and future plans be damned.  Is this right? I don't know, and to be honest I don't care because I will never feel guilty about reading a good book, if I did, I wouldn't be a writer.

So here is what I am looking for in 2014, balance, consistancy, and discipline.  I don't want to continue putting zero pressure on myself and being ok with what I do and don't achieve.  That is where the balance comes in; as much as I don't want to put zero pressure on myself, I also don't want to put too much pressure on myself.  I think this will come down to looking at what is realistic and making sure it is achieved.  

Consistency is something I have struggled with for a while.  It ties directly into the pressure issue, I want to apply the right amount of pressure on a consistent basis to achieve maximum productivity and efficiency.  Not to sound too business like...

The bottom line is that to achieve both of these previous goals is going to take discipline, another thing I have lacked over the years.  Realistically, balance, consistency and discipline all tie into the bigger issue of productivity.  That is why I am currently more or less unemployed and you only hear from me once month or so.  I want this to change, and I will change it.  Just watch, you'll be reading this in the "New Yorker" by the end of the year, ok that is a big jump, but the point is, I'm holding myself more accountable in 2014 order to get where I need to go.  Where that is, I'm still not certain, but know it is worth putting in the work to get there.

Last, I hope you guys are readers cause these posts are getting longer and longer, maybe it is time for that book?  I want to thank you for reading this over the year and for all the positive feedback I've gotten, I wouldn't be where I am and writing/sharing what I am without your support.  It means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep on writing.  I hope you all had amazing, inspiring and beautifully holidays!  And if you're still looking for some New Years resolutions/goals then balance, consistency and discipline are pretty broad concepts that I am sure you can apply to your life.  

Onward and Upward into 2014 We Go!