Can Crushes Can't!

I've been absent on here for a few weeks and some things in my life have changed...

My Friday went like this; got up early to talk to my Canadian fiancé and an immigration lawyer, raced to work and walked in the door with minutes to spare, and then in the afternoon got invited to interview for Grad School.  Think of going down the plunge, at Noah's Ark, repeatedly, as fast as you can and you'll understand the emotional state I was in by the end of the day.  

I know I've talked about Grad School quite a bit in the past month, and even though I think my chances of making it through the interview process are good...I'm not going, at least not right now.  So what am I doing?  Well, I'm getting married and moving to Canada!  Saskatoon to be exact, cold and flat, and I can't wait, as beautiful as Portland is its never cold and call me crazy, but I can't wait for some good below zero temps!

I began this blog, and this year by saying I'm done thinking in terms of what I can't do and closing my heart and my mind to the experiences and opportunities that come my way.  I told myself that not only was I going to let things happen and be open to whatever happened, but that I was also going to make things happen.  There is a power in belief, in the words you use and the actions you take, it is all connected.  Since I made this commitment to myself amazing things have happened.  For example, this weekend I went rock climbing.   I had wanted to try this for a long time, but my brain said "you can't do that you're afraid of heights and how will you do it with your prosthesis?".  I kicked that thought out of my head and just said, "no matter your fears or worries you can go rock climbing, you can do whatever you want because you are strong and your belief in yourself is absolute."  I climbed the forty feet to the top of the wall three times and tried for a fourth, but only made it halfway as my arms were burning and it was the trickiest climb I attempted all day.  Still, not bad for the first time and I can't wait to do it again.  

Well, it's time to spill the beans, I think I've been feeding you the broth and avoiding the meat and potatoes long enough.   Her name is Millissa and she's incredible!  Back in the summer of 2009 I went to First Descents (Kayaking camp for young adult survivors) in northern Wisconsin and the camp director was this wild Canadian woman.  I spent the week thinking I feel something with this person that I can't put my finger on.  It felt like there was some kind of unsaid understanding between us.  Still, it was camp and there was no time to address any of that stuff.  I remember the last day, saying goodbye to her, it was simple, just a hug and a goodbye.  Yet, walking away I felt confused, felt like we should have more to do with each other and that it shouldn't end that simply.

I went to camp in Colorado the next summer and who was there to pick the campers up at the airport...Millissa!  We stopped at a grocery store on the way to camp and she made some comment about blueberries.  I found the blueberries, they were on sale woooo!, but then I paid for them and I didn't have a club card or some nonsense so I spent eight dollars on blueberries.  I felt dumb, but I was like "hey lady, I bought you some blueberries and they cost all my money."  We spent the week trying to hangout with each other, as much as we could,  without giving anything away.

This whole time, we were both thinking that neither of us would have those kinds of feelings for each other, little did we know.

Millissa has worked in the young adult survivor world for years, starting with First Descents and then moving to Athletes 4 Cancer, which puts on surfing camps in Maui.  I have seen her have an amazing impact on countless survivors' lives including my own.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but she has an amazing presence and way of communicating with people.  Along with all that, she understands the cancer side of me incredibly well.  I don't have to hold anything back, about why I am who I am, and neither does she.  I feel truly myself with her and she only encourages me to be more myself and I do the same for her.  I believe it's called love!

Anyway, we reconnected in the beginning of January, through a mutual friend/survivor who attended Athletes 4 Cancer.  It started innocently enough, chatting on the FB here and there, then every night, then onto Skype, to hey come see me, you can't get off work?  Ok, I'll come see you...

I don't know how it happened, but the next thing we knew we were talking about getting married and having kids as if that was the completely normal thing to do.  It didn't scare either of us, we just laughed and enjoyed it.  Then she came here for five days.  I was nervous, the second night I went on this tangent about just give me time and blahblahblah and then she was nervous.  But, the weekend kept on going and everything just felt right.  We went to dinner with friends, went dancing, cooked food, and talked and talked and talked.  

The topic of marriage and how we were going to do this and be together kept coming up, and it became pretty clear to me we both want the same thing.  It was her birthday on Monday the 25th, we were laying in bed after midnight discussing the future.  My heart and my mind were in complete agreement, I was thinking " you know you're going to ask her to marry you and you know she's going to say yes, so just do it, why wait?".  So I asked and she said yes.  That was a week ago.  As the days have gone by I have only felt more and more confident that marrying Millissa is the absolute right thing to do.  

I've been laughing, jumping for joy, fist pumping and everything in-between all week.  It is truly amazing, we are flying by the seat of our pants, but I don't care because I fully believe I CAN and will love Millissa with my entire heart for the rest of our lives.  I know it won't always be easy and things will change over time, but I also know no matter what happens I always get back up and keep moving forward.  Millissa I love you and I am so excited about the future we are going to have together!  

We are getting married April 6th, in Hood River, Oregon.   Then depending on immigration paperwork and what not, I am moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan in May or June.  Millissa has started preliminary work on starting a non-profit for Canadian young adult survivors, which I will pour myself into as soon as I get there.  I am incredibly excited for this next chapter in life and whatever it holds.  No matter what happens I know I CAN carry on and continue to grow!

P.S.  Yes, her name is spelled Millissa, there's a story behind that.  Also, call me crazy all you want, my mind is made up and all I am saying is YES and CAN!