Hulk Smash!

Again, I've been absent for some time.  I asked Millissa to marry me a month ago and everything since then has been a blur.  There have been ups and downs.  I've ridden the highs and savored the days of having a constant dance party in my heart.  The lows are not very low.  I cherish them for what they are, and use them as an opportunity to get as in touch with myself as possible.  Those are the moments where I stop and think, "okay this is the time where I should be saying wait, what am I doing? How can I marry this woman so quickly?"  But that's not what goes through my mind, I can't make those thoughts appear even if I try.  What my mind/heart says is, "she's not this woman, she's Millissa and she's everything you could dream of and more, which is why you are marrying her".  

The conversations Millissa and I have are what keeps me sane while I deal with the logistics of planning a wedding in a single month.  I've spent more time shopping for clothes in the last two weeks, than I generally do in a single year, not to mention figuring out what size ring I wear.  I wear an 8.5 if anyone wants to send me a wedding ring, just kidding, the ring is ordered and at this point at least half the outfit is purchased.  

I only started trying clothes on before I bought them a couple of years ago, so the time it is taking me to figure out what to wear feels like an eternity.  I’ve been to H&M four times in the past week...AHHHHHHHHHH!  I don't know which time I was there but at one point this song came on and my approximation of the lyrics are "I don’t remember falling asleep, I woke up in my car with my clothes on, I've got to be with you! You're so crazy!"  I walked out, can't be near that nonsense music, got to keep all these Bruno’s Mars and Maroon’s Fives jams out of my life.  

I ended up at Men’s Wearhouse.  Which is perfect because I’ve been hijacking their slogan for years and telling people, “I like the way I look, I guarantee it”.  The salesman didn’t know what to do with me and thought it was completely ridiculous that I was shopping for clothes two weeks before getting married.  He proceeded to suggest multiple styles that I would not be caught dead wearing and also managed to prick his finger on the pins holding dress shirts together repeatedly.  

Logistically, the wedding preparations are going smoother than I could imagine thanks to many amazing individuals.  This event went from four people at a courthouse, to 25 people standing in a field overlooking the Columbia River Gorge in the blink of an eye.  I am floored by the love and support Millissa and I have received.  Never in my life could I have imagined things happening the way they are right now.  

I am doing my best to appreciate this moment in life and savor the beauty of it.  At times it is hard to stay grounded, but one thing that has kept me grounded throughout life is seeing people do ridiculous things while driving.  I mean really you are driving a car, why/how are you doing anything else with your hands?  I have one very distinct story of this situation that gave me an incredible amount of peace at the time it occurred.  

Back when I was in the midst of treatment my family and I tried to take some form of a vacation.  Friends generously gave us access to their cabin and we all drove up to spend a couple days there.  I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and noticed a vein bulging out of my neck when I looked in the mirror.  I was freaked out, but tired and also tired of scaring my family with my medical issues, somehow I managed to got back to sleep.  I woke up early and showed my parents immediately.  They called the hospital and vacation ended after one night and half a day.  We flew down the interstate from the Wisconsin Dells area back to Madison.  I remember riding in the back of the car, headphones blaring, thinking and refusing to believe anything but whatever the current health issue was I could handle it.  I can’t imagine being my parents, having watched me go through chemo and surgery multiple times and now being told “yes, get here as soon as possible, we don’t know what is going on with your son now”.  At the time I couldn’t see that, and it is still hard to see what my family went through while I battled cancer.  What I do know is that they were there every step of the way and supported me however they could.  Watching a friend or family member suffer and fight through an illness is emotionally indescribable because in its purest form, you are watching someone you love carry an immense weight that you can only watch them carry.  You can be there but you can’t lift a single finger to alleviate the suffering itself.  You cannot go through chemo, surgery or doctors appointments for someone else.  Still, all the visits and nights my family spent in the hospital  were exactly what I needed.  A bit of a tangent there...

Back to the point.  I was sitting in the back of the van thinking “what now?”  When I looked out the window and saw the man driving the car next to ours had one hand on the steering wheel.  I didn’t think anything of this until he lifted his other hand into view and he was wearing a green hulk fist.  Somehow, some way, seeing this ridiculous example of human freedom gave me peace and absolute confidence that I would survive.  If this was an ACT analogy it would go like this: A man driving with one hand and wearing a hulk glove on the other hand is to Peter Greenwood beating cancer.  

To bring it full circle I was walking home Friday when I noticed a man driving his car and playing a trumpet at the same time.  He was clearly playing along to his stereo and having a blast.  I laughed and smiled.  I cherish the moments when I actually see a human being utilizing the freedom we all posses.  The freedom to play a trumpet and drive, to wear hulk gloves at a time that puts your life in jeopardy, the freedom to be yourself and express who you are.  That is what being human is.  Alright, I’m getting all preachy, but the point is be yourself, don’t ever compromise that and find what makes you happy, what lights you up and do it!  One of my current favorite quotes is from the novel “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay”.  Michael Chabon writes “ Don't waste your life. Don’t allow your body’s weakness to be a weakness in spirit, repay your doubt of freedom, you have the key.”  When I read that it went straight to my heart and made me realize that no matter what I’ve been through, no matter what I’ve lost, I still have the freedom to choose to be good to myself and others.  So whatever comes your way, eat it up, spit it out, make yourself you without a doubt.

Also, thank you to everyone who has read my blog, and given me positive feedback.  I’ve always been the heart on the sleeve type, yet bearing my soul to the internet feels weird at times.  Getting the feedback I’ve gotten has made it clear to me that writing this is the right thing to do.  Again, THANK YOU for reading.