The Wait Is ON!

The Grad School application has been completed, and turned in
for just over a week. I'm trying not to think about it, but its sitting there, like a
pesky polka-dot elephant, in the back of my mind. If I get this, I know what I'm
doing for the next three years of my life, if I don't get it, the polka-dot elephant
turns into a scary purple people eater elephant. I know whatever happens, I
will be fine and the right opportunity will present itself. On some level though,
I really want this, it feels right, like now is the time to take my education a step
further and continue growing as a person.

On one hand, I feel like I'm a shoe in, I have the life experience and work
experience, that make me the ideal candidate for the program I applied to. On
the other hand, I'm worried my inconsistent undergraduate career will stop me
from getting in. There were 4.0 semesters, 2.0 semesters and the one semester
where I dropped everything. This wasn't for lack of caring or trying, this was
because of the life I've had no choice, but to live.

The other day, I realized that I started college five months after losing my leg,
and I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those moments, where it really hit
me how stubbornly determined I am, in the face of anything that is going to try
and stop me from doing what I want. The laughter was due to the joy I feel at
knowing I did make it through college, even if it wasn't always pretty. It's been a
delayed pay-off, but I'm glad I can uncontrollably laugh about it now.

Still, this was an incredibly difficult time. The amount of energy I had to put into
school, left me with little time to focus on healing. I was angry, depressed, and
wanted to blame something for what I had lost. The longer I was in school the
harder it got. As my physical health returned, my mental health plummeted.
I was lashing out at anything I could, channelling the anger at my body for
betraying me, at any and all targets. Eating myself up from the inside. Then
somehow, despite the dysfunctional state I was in, I managed to graduate.

And there I was, all the time in the world on my hands, facing the most important
and hardest part of dealing with cancer yet; mental healing, acceptance, and
forgiveness. So what was the first thing I did? Read Moby Dick of course! Well,
not exactly. I moved all my stuff into storage, and proceeded to couch surf for
a few months while I figured out what to do with my life. I started going to the
gym regularly, was finally able to read for pleasure again, or torture... Moby Dick.
And then I got a job helping people. We've all heard it before, but it really is
true; helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself. After going through
what I did, and having so many people support me along the way, it is deeply
engrained within me to help others. I know helping is not only what I want to
do, it is what I have to do and it is the obvious thing to do because it brings me
so much joy. The best part is there are so many ways to do this, and I have a
lifetime to discover them!

Healing didn't happen over night, it's still going on and will continue forever. The
hardest thing was finding a way for my mind, and my heart, to forgive my body
for revolting against them. My mind was angry, my heart was broken, and it was all because my body had turned against them. I was broken into different pieces
of a single entity. Before I could put myself back together, I had to make peace
between these pieces, and stop the war going on within me. Not an easy task.
It is only natural, only human, to want to blame something, or someone when
something bad happens to you, but there is no place for blame in healing. In
healing, there is only forgiveness and acceptance, that's it! It's not simple, easy
or quick, but when you bring all that pain into your heart, when you love yourself
despite all your faults and past mistakes, that is the moment when acceptance
and forgiveness is possible. The moment when you can look to the future, and
see the joy in all the possibility it holds!

So Grad School, bring it on! Deny me if you dare! I'll know within a couple
weeks if I get an interview, which would be on March 14th. From there, it will be
another couple weeks till the finally word, and then potentially starting school in
June. Part of me is operating under the assumption that this is done, I'm in. Even
so, if that turns out not to be the case, fine, I'll only use it as motivation to work
even harder towards building the life I want to live!

Cheers and have an amazing week!

P.S. I did actually read Moby Dick, possibly the first book I read after graduating,
another thing that makes me laugh in retrospect.