Upside

I want to turn that last post completely upside down, so here goes.

The first thing I mentioned was how spending so much time with death made me feel old and hard.  The flip side of this is that, through knowing death, I have a much deeper appreciation for life.  Maybe it has made me hard, but it has also made me soft.  Simple things, like a bird flying by the window while I'm on the train, give me so much peace and faith in life even while I am surrounded by the chaos and abandon of a busy city.  

Then came cancer and its ability to crush an individual's independence.  This is a hard one, as I am to this day, working towards gaining my independence.  Yet, the positive here is obvious.  Even as I couldn't take care of myself the systems were in place to take care of me.  I carried a heavy burden, but it was lessened by the amazing family and friends I am so lucky to have.  

The lack of reason or cause for me getting cancer is a tricky one to turn into a positive.  If anything it has prepared me for the fact that the unexpected can always happen.  It has also shown me that even when you lose faith in life and your actions; if you are patient and work hard your faith in life will return and be even stronger.

Grief, there is no way around this one, the pain of losing my leg and a part of myself is very real.  On the other hand prosthetic technology is amazing and is advancing at an incredible pace.  The prosthetic I currently have allows me to live fairly unhindered by my disability and I can't wait to get an amazing robot leg in the future.

I don't see my struggles with connecting to people going away anytime soon or probably ever.  The pool maybe smaller, but I've found that anyone who is genuine and or has been through their own ordeal is someone I can form an immediate and significant connection with.  This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it is incredibly satisfying.

So here I am in Portland, Oregon, a whole city and the rest of my life sitting there in front of me.  This is the first time in my life I've truly been on my own and at first it floored me.  I came here for love and that didn't work out.  I was left going through a breakup in a city I didn't know with no support around me.  It was hard, very hard.  I looked at my options; stay in Portland or move back to Wisconsin.  In some sense moving back to Wisconsin would have been easy, but I would have felt completely defeated and I didn't want to go through trying to live that down.  I stayed, I said to myself "no matter how hard this is, no matter what it takes you are staying here because you have to grow and you have to find yourself".  

Portland is starting to feel like home and I'm making some connections with really good people.  Last night I had the privilege of attending a new friends' birthday dinner.  It was a Georgian Supra.  Basically there was a toastmaster who gave a toast on a specific theme 
and then who ever wanted to could give their own toast on the theme.  The themes were mothers, leaving, community, and cycles of life.  I toasted to every one...

Mothers.  I have an immense amount of respect for my mother.  She raised seven, that's right seven, amazing and unique individuals.  And continues to spread her love of music to children through teaching music at two elementary schools and teaching piano lessons at home.  Mom, you're amazing, I love you.

Leaving.  When I graduated from college in Madison, Wisconsin I knew I had to get out.  I left many people behind and I miss them on a daily basis, but I also left behind a place where I went through a long and painful ordeal.  It was hard to gain perspective on my battle with cancer when I was constantly surrounded by physical reminders of it.  In a sense I not only physically left Wisconsin, but I also left behind a mind that was beaten down and lost.  Leaving has been incredibly cleansing for me.  I'll always love Wisconsin, but right now I need to not be there.

Cycles of life.  28 seems to be the year many people point to as the time you start growing into yourself.  This seems true, as I feel I am at a crossroads and am ready to start whatever is next in life.  I'm coming up on ten years since I was diagnosed with cancer and eight years as an amputee.  I think these are significant milestones in that I am finally able to move from pain and grief to healing and growth.  I'm very excited for this next cycle and whatever it holds.

Community.  This was an easy one.  When I was sick I was forced to go on Medicare, in order to pay my medical bills, as I was about to be booted off my parents' insurance.  When I lost my leg Medicare would only provide me with the most basic and barely functional prosthesis.  They claimed I had to prove I would actually use a prosthesis.  At the time I was 20 years old and a former fierce competitor in whatever sport I happened to be playing.  Luckily I come from an amazing community.  People got together and started talking and wanted to find a way to provide me with the prosthesis I needed.  Within nine months over 90,000 dollars was raised and an organization called "4PeteSake" was born.  They bought me a leg and to this day continue to raise money and help individual's who can't afford their medical bills.  I am forever grateful  to this organization.  There is a big fundraiser once every summer, it is a day I look forward to like no other.   To know that everything I have been through has produced something so good and helpful to others is incredibly humbling and satisfying.  Spring Green, I love you like no other small town in the world!  

That's all for this week.  

Cheers!