Hulk Smash!

Again, I've been absent for some time.  I asked Millissa to marry me a month ago and everything since then has been a blur.  There have been ups and downs.  I've ridden the highs and savored the days of having a constant dance party in my heart.  The lows are not very low.  I cherish them for what they are, and use them as an opportunity to get as in touch with myself as possible.  Those are the moments where I stop and think, "okay this is the time where I should be saying wait, what am I doing? How can I marry this woman so quickly?"  But that's not what goes through my mind, I can't make those thoughts appear even if I try.  What my mind/heart says is, "she's not this woman, she's Millissa and she's everything you could dream of and more, which is why you are marrying her".  

The conversations Millissa and I have are what keeps me sane while I deal with the logistics of planning a wedding in a single month.  I've spent more time shopping for clothes in the last two weeks, than I generally do in a single year, not to mention figuring out what size ring I wear.  I wear an 8.5 if anyone wants to send me a wedding ring, just kidding, the ring is ordered and at this point at least half the outfit is purchased.  

I only started trying clothes on before I bought them a couple of years ago, so the time it is taking me to figure out what to wear feels like an eternity.  I’ve been to H&M four times in the past week...AHHHHHHHHHH!  I don't know which time I was there but at one point this song came on and my approximation of the lyrics are "I don’t remember falling asleep, I woke up in my car with my clothes on, I've got to be with you! You're so crazy!"  I walked out, can't be near that nonsense music, got to keep all these Bruno’s Mars and Maroon’s Fives jams out of my life.  

I ended up at Men’s Wearhouse.  Which is perfect because I’ve been hijacking their slogan for years and telling people, “I like the way I look, I guarantee it”.  The salesman didn’t know what to do with me and thought it was completely ridiculous that I was shopping for clothes two weeks before getting married.  He proceeded to suggest multiple styles that I would not be caught dead wearing and also managed to prick his finger on the pins holding dress shirts together repeatedly.  

Logistically, the wedding preparations are going smoother than I could imagine thanks to many amazing individuals.  This event went from four people at a courthouse, to 25 people standing in a field overlooking the Columbia River Gorge in the blink of an eye.  I am floored by the love and support Millissa and I have received.  Never in my life could I have imagined things happening the way they are right now.  

I am doing my best to appreciate this moment in life and savor the beauty of it.  At times it is hard to stay grounded, but one thing that has kept me grounded throughout life is seeing people do ridiculous things while driving.  I mean really you are driving a car, why/how are you doing anything else with your hands?  I have one very distinct story of this situation that gave me an incredible amount of peace at the time it occurred.  

Back when I was in the midst of treatment my family and I tried to take some form of a vacation.  Friends generously gave us access to their cabin and we all drove up to spend a couple days there.  I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and noticed a vein bulging out of my neck when I looked in the mirror.  I was freaked out, but tired and also tired of scaring my family with my medical issues, somehow I managed to got back to sleep.  I woke up early and showed my parents immediately.  They called the hospital and vacation ended after one night and half a day.  We flew down the interstate from the Wisconsin Dells area back to Madison.  I remember riding in the back of the car, headphones blaring, thinking and refusing to believe anything but whatever the current health issue was I could handle it.  I can’t imagine being my parents, having watched me go through chemo and surgery multiple times and now being told “yes, get here as soon as possible, we don’t know what is going on with your son now”.  At the time I couldn’t see that, and it is still hard to see what my family went through while I battled cancer.  What I do know is that they were there every step of the way and supported me however they could.  Watching a friend or family member suffer and fight through an illness is emotionally indescribable because in its purest form, you are watching someone you love carry an immense weight that you can only watch them carry.  You can be there but you can’t lift a single finger to alleviate the suffering itself.  You cannot go through chemo, surgery or doctors appointments for someone else.  Still, all the visits and nights my family spent in the hospital  were exactly what I needed.  A bit of a tangent there...

Back to the point.  I was sitting in the back of the van thinking “what now?”  When I looked out the window and saw the man driving the car next to ours had one hand on the steering wheel.  I didn’t think anything of this until he lifted his other hand into view and he was wearing a green hulk fist.  Somehow, some way, seeing this ridiculous example of human freedom gave me peace and absolute confidence that I would survive.  If this was an ACT analogy it would go like this: A man driving with one hand and wearing a hulk glove on the other hand is to Peter Greenwood beating cancer.  

To bring it full circle I was walking home Friday when I noticed a man driving his car and playing a trumpet at the same time.  He was clearly playing along to his stereo and having a blast.  I laughed and smiled.  I cherish the moments when I actually see a human being utilizing the freedom we all posses.  The freedom to play a trumpet and drive, to wear hulk gloves at a time that puts your life in jeopardy, the freedom to be yourself and express who you are.  That is what being human is.  Alright, I’m getting all preachy, but the point is be yourself, don’t ever compromise that and find what makes you happy, what lights you up and do it!  One of my current favorite quotes is from the novel “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay”.  Michael Chabon writes “ Don't waste your life. Don’t allow your body’s weakness to be a weakness in spirit, repay your doubt of freedom, you have the key.”  When I read that it went straight to my heart and made me realize that no matter what I’ve been through, no matter what I’ve lost, I still have the freedom to choose to be good to myself and others.  So whatever comes your way, eat it up, spit it out, make yourself you without a doubt.

Also, thank you to everyone who has read my blog, and given me positive feedback.  I’ve always been the heart on the sleeve type, yet bearing my soul to the internet feels weird at times.  Getting the feedback I’ve gotten has made it clear to me that writing this is the right thing to do.  Again, THANK YOU for reading.     

Can Crushes Can't!

I've been absent on here for a few weeks and some things in my life have changed...

My Friday went like this; got up early to talk to my Canadian fiancé and an immigration lawyer, raced to work and walked in the door with minutes to spare, and then in the afternoon got invited to interview for Grad School.  Think of going down the plunge, at Noah's Ark, repeatedly, as fast as you can and you'll understand the emotional state I was in by the end of the day.  

I know I've talked about Grad School quite a bit in the past month, and even though I think my chances of making it through the interview process are good...I'm not going, at least not right now.  So what am I doing?  Well, I'm getting married and moving to Canada!  Saskatoon to be exact, cold and flat, and I can't wait, as beautiful as Portland is its never cold and call me crazy, but I can't wait for some good below zero temps!

I began this blog, and this year by saying I'm done thinking in terms of what I can't do and closing my heart and my mind to the experiences and opportunities that come my way.  I told myself that not only was I going to let things happen and be open to whatever happened, but that I was also going to make things happen.  There is a power in belief, in the words you use and the actions you take, it is all connected.  Since I made this commitment to myself amazing things have happened.  For example, this weekend I went rock climbing.   I had wanted to try this for a long time, but my brain said "you can't do that you're afraid of heights and how will you do it with your prosthesis?".  I kicked that thought out of my head and just said, "no matter your fears or worries you can go rock climbing, you can do whatever you want because you are strong and your belief in yourself is absolute."  I climbed the forty feet to the top of the wall three times and tried for a fourth, but only made it halfway as my arms were burning and it was the trickiest climb I attempted all day.  Still, not bad for the first time and I can't wait to do it again.  

Well, it's time to spill the beans, I think I've been feeding you the broth and avoiding the meat and potatoes long enough.   Her name is Millissa and she's incredible!  Back in the summer of 2009 I went to First Descents (Kayaking camp for young adult survivors) in northern Wisconsin and the camp director was this wild Canadian woman.  I spent the week thinking I feel something with this person that I can't put my finger on.  It felt like there was some kind of unsaid understanding between us.  Still, it was camp and there was no time to address any of that stuff.  I remember the last day, saying goodbye to her, it was simple, just a hug and a goodbye.  Yet, walking away I felt confused, felt like we should have more to do with each other and that it shouldn't end that simply.

I went to camp in Colorado the next summer and who was there to pick the campers up at the airport...Millissa!  We stopped at a grocery store on the way to camp and she made some comment about blueberries.  I found the blueberries, they were on sale woooo!, but then I paid for them and I didn't have a club card or some nonsense so I spent eight dollars on blueberries.  I felt dumb, but I was like "hey lady, I bought you some blueberries and they cost all my money."  We spent the week trying to hangout with each other, as much as we could,  without giving anything away.

This whole time, we were both thinking that neither of us would have those kinds of feelings for each other, little did we know.

Millissa has worked in the young adult survivor world for years, starting with First Descents and then moving to Athletes 4 Cancer, which puts on surfing camps in Maui.  I have seen her have an amazing impact on countless survivors' lives including my own.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but she has an amazing presence and way of communicating with people.  Along with all that, she understands the cancer side of me incredibly well.  I don't have to hold anything back, about why I am who I am, and neither does she.  I feel truly myself with her and she only encourages me to be more myself and I do the same for her.  I believe it's called love!

Anyway, we reconnected in the beginning of January, through a mutual friend/survivor who attended Athletes 4 Cancer.  It started innocently enough, chatting on the FB here and there, then every night, then onto Skype, to hey come see me, you can't get off work?  Ok, I'll come see you...

I don't know how it happened, but the next thing we knew we were talking about getting married and having kids as if that was the completely normal thing to do.  It didn't scare either of us, we just laughed and enjoyed it.  Then she came here for five days.  I was nervous, the second night I went on this tangent about just give me time and blahblahblah and then she was nervous.  But, the weekend kept on going and everything just felt right.  We went to dinner with friends, went dancing, cooked food, and talked and talked and talked.  

The topic of marriage and how we were going to do this and be together kept coming up, and it became pretty clear to me we both want the same thing.  It was her birthday on Monday the 25th, we were laying in bed after midnight discussing the future.  My heart and my mind were in complete agreement, I was thinking " you know you're going to ask her to marry you and you know she's going to say yes, so just do it, why wait?".  So I asked and she said yes.  That was a week ago.  As the days have gone by I have only felt more and more confident that marrying Millissa is the absolute right thing to do.  

I've been laughing, jumping for joy, fist pumping and everything in-between all week.  It is truly amazing, we are flying by the seat of our pants, but I don't care because I fully believe I CAN and will love Millissa with my entire heart for the rest of our lives.  I know it won't always be easy and things will change over time, but I also know no matter what happens I always get back up and keep moving forward.  Millissa I love you and I am so excited about the future we are going to have together!  

We are getting married April 6th, in Hood River, Oregon.   Then depending on immigration paperwork and what not, I am moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan in May or June.  Millissa has started preliminary work on starting a non-profit for Canadian young adult survivors, which I will pour myself into as soon as I get there.  I am incredibly excited for this next chapter in life and whatever it holds.  No matter what happens I know I CAN carry on and continue to grow!

P.S.  Yes, her name is spelled Millissa, there's a story behind that.  Also, call me crazy all you want, my mind is made up and all I am saying is YES and CAN!