The Wait Is ON!

The Grad School application has been completed, and turned in
for just over a week. I'm trying not to think about it, but its sitting there, like a
pesky polka-dot elephant, in the back of my mind. If I get this, I know what I'm
doing for the next three years of my life, if I don't get it, the polka-dot elephant
turns into a scary purple people eater elephant. I know whatever happens, I
will be fine and the right opportunity will present itself. On some level though,
I really want this, it feels right, like now is the time to take my education a step
further and continue growing as a person.

On one hand, I feel like I'm a shoe in, I have the life experience and work
experience, that make me the ideal candidate for the program I applied to. On
the other hand, I'm worried my inconsistent undergraduate career will stop me
from getting in. There were 4.0 semesters, 2.0 semesters and the one semester
where I dropped everything. This wasn't for lack of caring or trying, this was
because of the life I've had no choice, but to live.

The other day, I realized that I started college five months after losing my leg,
and I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those moments, where it really hit
me how stubbornly determined I am, in the face of anything that is going to try
and stop me from doing what I want. The laughter was due to the joy I feel at
knowing I did make it through college, even if it wasn't always pretty. It's been a
delayed pay-off, but I'm glad I can uncontrollably laugh about it now.

Still, this was an incredibly difficult time. The amount of energy I had to put into
school, left me with little time to focus on healing. I was angry, depressed, and
wanted to blame something for what I had lost. The longer I was in school the
harder it got. As my physical health returned, my mental health plummeted.
I was lashing out at anything I could, channelling the anger at my body for
betraying me, at any and all targets. Eating myself up from the inside. Then
somehow, despite the dysfunctional state I was in, I managed to graduate.

And there I was, all the time in the world on my hands, facing the most important
and hardest part of dealing with cancer yet; mental healing, acceptance, and
forgiveness. So what was the first thing I did? Read Moby Dick of course! Well,
not exactly. I moved all my stuff into storage, and proceeded to couch surf for
a few months while I figured out what to do with my life. I started going to the
gym regularly, was finally able to read for pleasure again, or torture... Moby Dick.
And then I got a job helping people. We've all heard it before, but it really is
true; helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself. After going through
what I did, and having so many people support me along the way, it is deeply
engrained within me to help others. I know helping is not only what I want to
do, it is what I have to do and it is the obvious thing to do because it brings me
so much joy. The best part is there are so many ways to do this, and I have a
lifetime to discover them!

Healing didn't happen over night, it's still going on and will continue forever. The
hardest thing was finding a way for my mind, and my heart, to forgive my body
for revolting against them. My mind was angry, my heart was broken, and it was all because my body had turned against them. I was broken into different pieces
of a single entity. Before I could put myself back together, I had to make peace
between these pieces, and stop the war going on within me. Not an easy task.
It is only natural, only human, to want to blame something, or someone when
something bad happens to you, but there is no place for blame in healing. In
healing, there is only forgiveness and acceptance, that's it! It's not simple, easy
or quick, but when you bring all that pain into your heart, when you love yourself
despite all your faults and past mistakes, that is the moment when acceptance
and forgiveness is possible. The moment when you can look to the future, and
see the joy in all the possibility it holds!

So Grad School, bring it on! Deny me if you dare! I'll know within a couple
weeks if I get an interview, which would be on March 14th. From there, it will be
another couple weeks till the finally word, and then potentially starting school in
June. Part of me is operating under the assumption that this is done, I'm in. Even
so, if that turns out not to be the case, fine, I'll only use it as motivation to work
even harder towards building the life I want to live!

Cheers and have an amazing week!

P.S. I did actually read Moby Dick, possibly the first book I read after graduating,
another thing that makes me laugh in retrospect.

Smorgasbord

For the first time since starting this writing project, what to write wasn't clear to me.  Maybe it's a product of overworking myself, having visitors, and finishing an application for grad school all at once.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, I am resolved to write about something.  

On Friday, after months of agonizing over a five-hundred word essay, gathering duplicates of four transcripts and  multiple letters of recommendation, I turned in my grad school application to Portland State University.  The program I am applying to is a Masters in Rehab Counseling, which could lead to working with individuals with disabilities and or chronic illness.  I could see doing some really amazing things through completing this program, what exactly, I'm not sure.  When I handed-in my transcripts I felt relief, expectation, anxiety and pride.  I walked down the halls of the PSU campus, wondering am I going to spend three years of my life here?  Do I want to spend three years of my life here?  Whether I get in or not, I did what I could and put myself in position to do something good for myself and others, as long as I keep doing that I'll be happy with life.

As I mentioned before I had visitors, first visitors of the year.  It was a great few days full of ice cream, food, cocktails and a six hour stay at Powell's City of Books.  Not to mention the perfect excuse to take a day off work, which I desperately needed.  It's pretty remarkable how comfortable I've become in Portland in less than a year.  Having visitors jolted me out of this a bit and reminded me how much of this amazing city, not to mention state, I have yet to explore.  At the same time, I realized how much of the city I already know, as everywhere we went, I would think "oh we have to try this place or go here." The experience of hosting, put into perspective how much Portland already feels like home.  

The weekend was punctuated by a Saturday drive to the coast.  I hadn't been to the coast in far too long, a product of being car less.  We drove out to a spot I had been to previously, and wondered the beach until the sun went down.  It reminded me that I need to find more time to be with nature, it is such a grounding experience, whether it is hiking, or just sitting on the beach watching the waves crash.  At one point, I hiked to the far end of the beach, and found a nice rock to park on.  I sat watching the tide come in until a particularly large wave washed up and completely surrounded the rock, leaving me about six inches above water on four square feet of rock.  The ocean was churning all around me, I felt a bit anxious, but completely free at the same time.  Nature, the ocean, had surrounded me and for that moment I was completely cut off from all the worries of city life.  I think that is why we seek out solitude in nature, it is so hard to feel our true connection to the environment when we are constantly hustling to and from work, the grocery store, paying bills, going to the bar and so on.  We are chronically caught up in something that isn't necessarily natural.  Go find a rock and wait for the the ocean to surround you, then you will be free. 

One of the goals I set for the year was to start volunteering.  I've found the busier I am and the more quantifiable good things I'm doing, the happier I am.  I wasn't sure where to start with volunteering, so I started with something easy. Free Geek is a Portland nonprofit that salvages donated computers and breaks down outdated ones for proper recycling.  They have a number of programs, you can learn how to build computers, or simply take apart the outdated models for recycling.  I've spent the last few Saturdays breaking down all sorts of computers.  In order to properly recycle them, the plastic, metal, and electronics must all be separated.  I've found this to be an immensely satisfying and cathartic process.  Maybe it is because we spend so much of our lives trying to build things, that as I take these computers apart, I feel like I am gleefully breaking a sacred law, all in the name of Mother Nature.  Or maybe as I pry the Dell logo off of every Dell that comes threw and drop it into the non-magnetic metal bin, I feel I'm finally getting Dell back for all their terrible commercials.  Regardless, I'm going to stick with this one for now, it gives me time to decompress from the work week, and be productive congruently.

Next week I start a two hour shift, every Monday evening, helping the local coop close for the evening.  I'm not sure if I'll enjoy this as much, but there is free food and cheaper groceries involved so I'll give it a shot.  

That's all for this week.  A bit of a smorgasbord!