Then and Now

What are you waiting for?  A question I've asked myself many times over the years.  I sit in a coffee shop, intent on writing but feeling blocked and unsure of what to say.   At this moment, I feel as I felt in January, that it is time to move forward, to keep breaking old habits and to continue building myself into the person I must be.  I feel a deep desire to lead by example, to go out into the world and be a prime specimen of what one can achieve in the face of life's obstacles.  At the sametime, I am still accustomed to the space I have occupied for years, a place where in most circumstances I've been a reluctant example of human will-power.  I am hesitant, hiding in the background, only taking the spotlight when urged too.  Yet, there are things I know to be certain, and a level of confidence I have in myself, that cannot be challenged by anything, because I know exactly what I am capable of.  I know these things to be true because of where I am at this very moment, in comparison to the places I've been in the past.

In the fall of 2009 my grandmother passed away.  I was living by myself for the first time in my life.  And I was beginning one of my last semesters of college.  I don't remember feeling particularly depressed at the time, but before I knew it the wheels of my life had shot off the wagon.   I dropped out of college, sat in my apartment by myself, stayed up half the night, slept half the day and had no strength to open my door and face the world.  Yet, I wasn't afraid, death had already come for me once and I had beaten it back.  I can see now, that that is what this rock bottom moment was about, if I had already beaten death, what was the point of life?  If death could come so close to me for no reason and I could beat it back just like that, what logic was there left to stand on while I was still alive?  In that moment I had no fear of death, and I still don't, I could die today, I really hope I don't, but if I did I wouldn't be afraid and I would die knowing that I did all I could to leave a positive mark on the world while living life on my terms.  In that moment, I was afraid of the freedom I had lost and then regained through winning my battle with cancer.  

I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night, feeling my senses dull, not knowing what I stood for and just wanting to feel something.  I left the house and walked to James Madison park.  I sat there, alone, in the dark, watching the waves of lake Mendota crashing against the shore.  And nothing happend, the world kept spinning and I kept breathing.  I was searching for an external spark, I didn't find it, that's not how it works.

I wasn't answering the door or the phone for an extended period of time.  My younger sister had called multiple times and told my older sister she couldn't get a hold of me.  Corinna came over and pounded on the door, I didn't want to answer it and at first I didn't.  I slunk to the floor, completely ashamed and wondering why I couldn't just open it.  She went to a window... finally I flipped the lock and let her in.  She asked me what I was doing, I had no idea.  I needed help but I didn't want it; I took it reluctantly.  Another moment where I am incredibly grateful for the strong and persistent family that I have.  

That was my rock bottom.  I wasn't doing hard drugs, or anything like that, I was just lost and overwhelmed by my own mind.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and put my life back together.  I am saying this now because I refuse to put my story out there without being brutally honest about it.  I am not a super human who beat cancer and never lost a step.  I lost way more than a step...  I spent years floundering, and feeling meaningless.  Recovery from any trauma is a life long process and the only way to be at peace with that is to accept it.  I put my story out there for one reason; I want to give people faith and belief that they can overcome/accept whatever life gives and takes from them and still live joyfully.

So now here I am, married for two months.  Living in Canada for one month.  The reality of the last half year finally starting to sink in.  Being with Millissa is incredible and unlike anything I've ever experienced.  We make each other happy, make each laugh, drive each other nuts and on occasion make each other mad.  We're really good at pointing out, to each other, all the random mannerisms we've developed over years, to the point that we aren't even aware of them.  Apparently, whenever I don't hear something, I don't say "excuse me, pardon me," or simply "what".  All I say is "huh?"  Which Millissa loves to throw back at me in an extremely amplified hill billyish voice.  I'll be nice and just say that Millissa is the only perfect being I've ever met.

For the last month Millissa and I have been helping coworkers/friends/family get their new yoga studio ready to open.  This is the studio Millissa is now managing.  During this time I've been able to witness Millissa doing what she does, namely working very hard and making things happen.  There have been multiple moments where I see her from across the room, see her in action and I am in awe.  I am so humbled and thankful to have this wonderful, present, strong and intense woman in my life.  As each day passes, our relationship grows and changes without losing any of its edge or excitement.  I am so glad I trusted my gut and rushed head-on into life with Millissa, it is the greatest and most worthwhile compulsion I have ever indulged.  

Last week I rode a bike for the first time in over eight years; for the first time since losing my leg.  Again my mind wants to ask "what were you waiting for ?"  I'll answer one more time, but then I am never asking myself "what am I waiting for?" again.  I wasn't waiting to ride a bike, I simply wasn't ready.  My mind was in a million different places and was more often beating me down, than letting me be present and kind to myself.  Physically, I could of started riding again years ago, but mentally I wasn't ready.  The one thing I was really waiting for, and I don't know if waiting is the right term, was peace.  I was holding on and pushing and pulling, looking for anyway to stop fighting myself, looking for a way to let go of the athlete I used to be and be the strong person I currently am.  So waiting is over, I am where I am, I will continue to heal however I heal and I will be present in the moment. 

The yoga studio openned over the weekend and I took part in my most intense class since coming to Canada.  I had prepared myself, before hand, to be ok with whatever I could and couldn't do in this class.  In the beginning the teacher asked everyone to set an intention.  I set an intention for the class and repeated the intention I have now set for my life, namely to never stop growing and healing.

I told myself I would not be overwhelmed and I would not spiral downward in my mind when I could not do a pose.  I told myself this is for your heart and mind to continue healing, this is for the leg you lost, the stump you rely on, the years you spent depressed and confused, and the truama you suffered through.  This is for healing and growth.  This is for Millissa so you can love her with all your heart.  This is for my parents and my siblings because even in my darkest moments they never stopped believing in me.  And this is for my community far and wide for always having my back.  THIS IS FOR LIFE BECUASE EVEN WHEN IT ISN'T FAIR, EVEN WHEN IT BREAKS YOU AND TAKES FROM YOU WITHOUT REASON, IT IS STILL BEATIFUL TO BE ALIVE!  

That was then, this is now.  Accept who you are, where you are.  

 

Regroup

I've made it through my first couple of yoga classes.  I want to run, to hide, but I won't.  In practice you are often told not to over-exert yourself, as far as I understand straining yourself is not the point of yoga.  When you can't keep up, when doing a pose hurts, you stop, go to child's pose or just lie on your back.  This is contrary to everything I've ever done physically.  My old philosophy was That I never stop playing as hard as I can, I don't care if you are bigger than me, faster than me or stronger than me because my will is stronger than yours.  Poof, gone, I can't live by that stance, not that that is necessarily a healthy or positive way to compete in anything. But, I know it is deeply ingrained within me in some form or another, if it wasn't I wouldn't still be dealing with losing my ability to compete the way I want to after all this years.

So I stop and lay down multiple times, at a yoga class in the park, surrounded by over a hundred people.  And everytime I stop, the same thoughts that have been haunting me for years stream though my mind can't, can't, can't, can't...  Again, that's not what yoga is about.  Still, this is painful and I can see that I am going to have be ok with stepping back and mental regrouping often.

I was having a conversation with Millissa recently, trying to explain how much of a process dealing with the mental side of my physical loss has been.  In those moments, where I am still talking about this, still hung up on this years later, I start to wonder, am I holding myself back?  Is this painful simply because I am saying it is or because it is has been a huge part of who I am?  Am I throwing pity parties for myself and basking in their glow.  Can I simply say it is time to let this go and move on with life and that is that?  I don't think there is a definite answer to that question.  What I do know, is that I do my best to put my story out there in way that doesn't lead people to feel sorry for me.

So that is what it is, what I've said repeatedly of late and what I keep coming back to.  By pushing myself anew, doing something I am not accustomed to, I am going to be spending time with the part of me that has said can't for years.  Legs gone, can't do that, can't do this, can't can't can't.  Probably my least favorite word.  At the same time, the only reason I am in this position to deal with all the can'ts is that I've made a conscious effort to say yes and can more and more often in my life.  Do I really want to sit with this hurt, let it seep into every inch of my body and bring me to the edge over and over again, not necessarily.  But, I know if I don't, I will live with it clawing at my conscious, trying to get out any way it can and that is not healthy.

And now, through marriage, I have another person I need to take into account all the time.  Something I am going to have continually improve on.  Everything I have been through has caused me to think pretty extensively on myself, when you're sick you can do that.  Which means I have to go.  She's is in the park doing yoga again, I've mentally regrouped.  Guess what body/mind?  You can do this!