Done, Done and DONE!

Where to start, what to say?  Well, 2012 broke me down but it's almost over and I'm putting myself back together.  Maybe it wasn't even 2012 though.  It wasn't, it was the last ten years of my life.  Which by no means were all bad but wore me down more than I ever realized.  Made me bitter, angry, judgmental and worst of all I built some pretty thick walls around myself.

Almost ten years ago I was diagnosed with cancer.  I fought it for three years, had chemotherapy, surgery, surgery and more surgery.  Lost my left leg above the knee.  Went from a five minute mile to crutches.  Lost my mind, my faith, my hope, my independence, my confidence... Went to some really dark places and beat the odds.

That makes it all sound bad, which it hasn't been, but the ups and downs have been very extreme.  Anyways, the point is I'm done, done waiting for a stroke of good fortune equivalent to what I've lost to come along and heal me.  Done trying to replace what I've lost, done denying how much this has broken me down, done waiting for healing to take place on its own.  Which begs the question what do I do if I am done with all that?  How do I put all the trauma behind me and move forward with healing?  There is no definitive answer, if there was I wouldn't be writing this.

Survivorship, that's the term applied to those lucky enough to beat cancer.  I guess it works but I'm not sure it is the right term.  I mean do you beat death and then just survive the rest of your life?  No!  I've been thinking long and hard and trying to figure out what I need to do to take my life back and thrive as a survivor.  There is no going back to who you were before, no holding onto what you've lost, the more you try this the more you suffer.  And most significantly once death comes for you, you are forever changed in a way that I don't completely understand, nor can even attempt to put into words.  So again,  WHAT DO I DO?

It comes down to this; cancer has made my life much harder but it has also laid the foundation for me to live a very meaningful life.  And to go beyond simply surviving, which I'm clearly not content with, I have to build off that foundation.  I have to bring my experience full circle, I have to use what I've learned through losing so much to help others, to make the world a better place.  So here comes 2013, the year of doing every random crazy thing I can think of in an attempt to let the goodness I buried deep within me out and build a life I want to live.   So welcome to my blog where I will chronicle this grand life experiment.

Happy New Year!