Healing Continues

I've begun to settle into life in Saskatoon and have had an easier time than expected keeping busy.  I still have a significant wait until the immigration process is complete, in which time I cannot work. I plan on staying busy that entire time, but when winter hits it may not be as easy.  Currently I've been filling my time with biking, reading, yoga and hanging out with Millissa, all pretty enjoyable and easy things to do.

I've had a number of these periods of time in life, where I am not able to work and am left with a pretty wide open schedule.  In the past they were filled with tv show binges and all kinds of time wasters.  I'm very determined not to fall into that situation again.  Yet, I find myself struggling at times because I don't have a set routine or a paycheck coming in.  The lack of paycheck is the hardest part.  It doesn't bother me that I am not making money, but it is hard not being able to help support Millissa and I, still I know this is only temporary.  And as much as it feels like it at times, I know a paycheck does little to define the contribution I am making to the world.  So I write...

My parents were in town for four days recently.  It was great to see them and show them around Saskatoon.  I will admit I was a bit worried having not played the host role for my parents before and knowing there is not an endless amount of entertainment available in Saskatoon.  For example, one of the local tourism websites suggest visiting the local landfill if you have ever wondered what happens to your garbage.  Now that sounds like a scenic vacation. We all survived the trip and had a good time even when I broke the cardinal rule of don't take Susan to actions movies.  Sorry mom, that will never happen again.  

It is interesting how roles change as life goes on.  A part of me is definitely used to being the one taken care of, which happens when you're sick and have to be taken care.  I'm trying to grow out of that, especially as I do my best to take care of Millissa.  Having my parents here, entertaining them and watching out for Millissa all at the sametime left me fairly baffled at times.  Millissa has led many group trips so she is very schedule oriented; we didn't have a schedule.  As far as I'm concerned it was a good exercise in patience for everyone, thanks for visiting mom and dad!

It's been almost two months in Saskatoon and the novelty has worn off.  I like it here, there are good people doing good things, I can't ask for more than that.  It is also nearing two years since I left Wisconsin.  I still find myself homesick at times and wondering what my siblings/best friends are doing.  And then you come back and everything has continued on without you.  Social circles have changed and nobody knows who you are etc.  It is strange to feel homesick for a place that was home for so long, while knowing you don't have a place there anymore.  It's easy to be homesick as well when you've been on the go for almost two years, and haven't spent enough time in any single space, for it to start to feel like home.  I write all this now knowing there is a good chance Millissa and I will move and start over again in the coming year.  I really look forward to the day that I know I've found my home.  Then again, "home is wherever I'm with you"-->Millissa!

The hardest thing with all the downtime is resisting the urge to shut down.  I've done my best to explain the complexities of what being a cancer survivor and amputee means to me.  And I'm beginning to realize in its simplest form cancer and losing my leg caused me to shut down, it took a significant part of my identity and I shut down.  I'm repeating myself but for the sake of continuity, before cancer and losing my leg three of the greatest joys in my life were running, soccer and basketball.  Up until recently I never wanted to acknowledge how much losing those three things hurt, but there is a deep deep feeling of sadness in me that I don't believe will ever completely go away.  I feel that sadness more when I am not busy and it tries to pull me down and shut me down socially, physically and emotionally.  I fought this feeling for a long time, refused to acknowledge the hurt in my heart and sabotaged healing by denying what losing everything I lost really means to me.  Now I stop; I cradle this feeling, let it in and man does it hurt, but then it softens and I can start opening back up and living again.  

I've made it my mission in life to continue to heal and grow beyond loss and cancer and help others due the same.  Which is why, starting Sunday, I am participating in a week long yoga teacher training.  I've been practicing yoga more regularly than at any other point in my life and generally feeling pretty good.  I don't know what this week is going to look like and I have no idea the effect it is going to have on me.  What I do know is that I am going to be spending a lot of time focusing on everything that is inside me.  So let the healing journey continuing and I will see you on the otherside!

Then and Now

What are you waiting for?  A question I've asked myself many times over the years.  I sit in a coffee shop, intent on writing but feeling blocked and unsure of what to say.   At this moment, I feel as I felt in January, that it is time to move forward, to keep breaking old habits and to continue building myself into the person I must be.  I feel a deep desire to lead by example, to go out into the world and be a prime specimen of what one can achieve in the face of life's obstacles.  At the sametime, I am still accustomed to the space I have occupied for years, a place where in most circumstances I've been a reluctant example of human will-power.  I am hesitant, hiding in the background, only taking the spotlight when urged too.  Yet, there are things I know to be certain, and a level of confidence I have in myself, that cannot be challenged by anything, because I know exactly what I am capable of.  I know these things to be true because of where I am at this very moment, in comparison to the places I've been in the past.

In the fall of 2009 my grandmother passed away.  I was living by myself for the first time in my life.  And I was beginning one of my last semesters of college.  I don't remember feeling particularly depressed at the time, but before I knew it the wheels of my life had shot off the wagon.   I dropped out of college, sat in my apartment by myself, stayed up half the night, slept half the day and had no strength to open my door and face the world.  Yet, I wasn't afraid, death had already come for me once and I had beaten it back.  I can see now, that that is what this rock bottom moment was about, if I had already beaten death, what was the point of life?  If death could come so close to me for no reason and I could beat it back just like that, what logic was there left to stand on while I was still alive?  In that moment I had no fear of death, and I still don't, I could die today, I really hope I don't, but if I did I wouldn't be afraid and I would die knowing that I did all I could to leave a positive mark on the world while living life on my terms.  In that moment, I was afraid of the freedom I had lost and then regained through winning my battle with cancer.  

I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night, feeling my senses dull, not knowing what I stood for and just wanting to feel something.  I left the house and walked to James Madison park.  I sat there, alone, in the dark, watching the waves of lake Mendota crashing against the shore.  And nothing happend, the world kept spinning and I kept breathing.  I was searching for an external spark, I didn't find it, that's not how it works.

I wasn't answering the door or the phone for an extended period of time.  My younger sister had called multiple times and told my older sister she couldn't get a hold of me.  Corinna came over and pounded on the door, I didn't want to answer it and at first I didn't.  I slunk to the floor, completely ashamed and wondering why I couldn't just open it.  She went to a window... finally I flipped the lock and let her in.  She asked me what I was doing, I had no idea.  I needed help but I didn't want it; I took it reluctantly.  Another moment where I am incredibly grateful for the strong and persistent family that I have.  

That was my rock bottom.  I wasn't doing hard drugs, or anything like that, I was just lost and overwhelmed by my own mind.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and put my life back together.  I am saying this now because I refuse to put my story out there without being brutally honest about it.  I am not a super human who beat cancer and never lost a step.  I lost way more than a step...  I spent years floundering, and feeling meaningless.  Recovery from any trauma is a life long process and the only way to be at peace with that is to accept it.  I put my story out there for one reason; I want to give people faith and belief that they can overcome/accept whatever life gives and takes from them and still live joyfully.

So now here I am, married for two months.  Living in Canada for one month.  The reality of the last half year finally starting to sink in.  Being with Millissa is incredible and unlike anything I've ever experienced.  We make each other happy, make each laugh, drive each other nuts and on occasion make each other mad.  We're really good at pointing out, to each other, all the random mannerisms we've developed over years, to the point that we aren't even aware of them.  Apparently, whenever I don't hear something, I don't say "excuse me, pardon me," or simply "what".  All I say is "huh?"  Which Millissa loves to throw back at me in an extremely amplified hill billyish voice.  I'll be nice and just say that Millissa is the only perfect being I've ever met.

For the last month Millissa and I have been helping coworkers/friends/family get their new yoga studio ready to open.  This is the studio Millissa is now managing.  During this time I've been able to witness Millissa doing what she does, namely working very hard and making things happen.  There have been multiple moments where I see her from across the room, see her in action and I am in awe.  I am so humbled and thankful to have this wonderful, present, strong and intense woman in my life.  As each day passes, our relationship grows and changes without losing any of its edge or excitement.  I am so glad I trusted my gut and rushed head-on into life with Millissa, it is the greatest and most worthwhile compulsion I have ever indulged.  

Last week I rode a bike for the first time in over eight years; for the first time since losing my leg.  Again my mind wants to ask "what were you waiting for ?"  I'll answer one more time, but then I am never asking myself "what am I waiting for?" again.  I wasn't waiting to ride a bike, I simply wasn't ready.  My mind was in a million different places and was more often beating me down, than letting me be present and kind to myself.  Physically, I could of started riding again years ago, but mentally I wasn't ready.  The one thing I was really waiting for, and I don't know if waiting is the right term, was peace.  I was holding on and pushing and pulling, looking for anyway to stop fighting myself, looking for a way to let go of the athlete I used to be and be the strong person I currently am.  So waiting is over, I am where I am, I will continue to heal however I heal and I will be present in the moment. 

The yoga studio openned over the weekend and I took part in my most intense class since coming to Canada.  I had prepared myself, before hand, to be ok with whatever I could and couldn't do in this class.  In the beginning the teacher asked everyone to set an intention.  I set an intention for the class and repeated the intention I have now set for my life, namely to never stop growing and healing.

I told myself I would not be overwhelmed and I would not spiral downward in my mind when I could not do a pose.  I told myself this is for your heart and mind to continue healing, this is for the leg you lost, the stump you rely on, the years you spent depressed and confused, and the truama you suffered through.  This is for healing and growth.  This is for Millissa so you can love her with all your heart.  This is for my parents and my siblings because even in my darkest moments they never stopped believing in me.  And this is for my community far and wide for always having my back.  THIS IS FOR LIFE BECUASE EVEN WHEN IT ISN'T FAIR, EVEN WHEN IT BREAKS YOU AND TAKES FROM YOU WITHOUT REASON, IT IS STILL BEATIFUL TO BE ALIVE!  

That was then, this is now.  Accept who you are, where you are.  

 

Regroup

I've made it through my first couple of yoga classes.  I want to run, to hide, but I won't.  In practice you are often told not to over-exert yourself, as far as I understand straining yourself is not the point of yoga.  When you can't keep up, when doing a pose hurts, you stop, go to child's pose or just lie on your back.  This is contrary to everything I've ever done physically.  My old philosophy was That I never stop playing as hard as I can, I don't care if you are bigger than me, faster than me or stronger than me because my will is stronger than yours.  Poof, gone, I can't live by that stance, not that that is necessarily a healthy or positive way to compete in anything. But, I know it is deeply ingrained within me in some form or another, if it wasn't I wouldn't still be dealing with losing my ability to compete the way I want to after all this years.

So I stop and lay down multiple times, at a yoga class in the park, surrounded by over a hundred people.  And everytime I stop, the same thoughts that have been haunting me for years stream though my mind can't, can't, can't, can't...  Again, that's not what yoga is about.  Still, this is painful and I can see that I am going to have be ok with stepping back and mental regrouping often.

I was having a conversation with Millissa recently, trying to explain how much of a process dealing with the mental side of my physical loss has been.  In those moments, where I am still talking about this, still hung up on this years later, I start to wonder, am I holding myself back?  Is this painful simply because I am saying it is or because it is has been a huge part of who I am?  Am I throwing pity parties for myself and basking in their glow.  Can I simply say it is time to let this go and move on with life and that is that?  I don't think there is a definite answer to that question.  What I do know, is that I do my best to put my story out there in way that doesn't lead people to feel sorry for me.

So that is what it is, what I've said repeatedly of late and what I keep coming back to.  By pushing myself anew, doing something I am not accustomed to, I am going to be spending time with the part of me that has said can't for years.  Legs gone, can't do that, can't do this, can't can't can't.  Probably my least favorite word.  At the same time, the only reason I am in this position to deal with all the can'ts is that I've made a conscious effort to say yes and can more and more often in my life.  Do I really want to sit with this hurt, let it seep into every inch of my body and bring me to the edge over and over again, not necessarily.  But, I know if I don't, I will live with it clawing at my conscious, trying to get out any way it can and that is not healthy.

And now, through marriage, I have another person I need to take into account all the time.  Something I am going to have continually improve on.  Everything I have been through has caused me to think pretty extensively on myself, when you're sick you can do that.  Which means I have to go.  She's is in the park doing yoga again, I've mentally regrouped.  Guess what body/mind?  You can do this!

Moving and Living

Closed up shop in Portland and now doing the same in Wisconsin.  I've been back for over a week, introduced my wife to countless people and sent her on her way.  Now I'm still here, on my own, for a couple more days.  Even though I've been gone for over a year and a half everything feels different this time.  When I left for S. Korea and then moved to Portland it never felt permanent.  I was gone but there was nothing stopping me from coming back to Wisconsin, but my own stubbornness.  That can't be said for the current circumstances.  I'm headed to Canada and I won't be back for anything but a visit anytime soon.  At the same time Wisconsin is my motherland, Spring Green, Madison, the rolling hills and 4PeteSake, among others, are all things that I love and have great pride in.  I will continue to hold all the people and places here close, while taking my energy and creativity with me wherever I go.


I find myself emotionally overcome by all that I've been able to accomplish in the first five months of this year, especially in the context of what I've been through in the last decade.  I wanted this year to be different and I wasn't going to wait around and see if it would be different, I decided to make it different however I could.  Five months ago I started this blog and made some simple goals for myself, be nicer, less judgemental, volunteer and work hard.  I had no idea where that would take me, but I refused to believe anything except that doing good things would lead to more good things.


Now, here I am, lying in my old bedroom at my parents house, with two more nights in the States before I embark on my journey towards Canadian citizenship.  After getting married and being apart for three weeks you would think Millissa and I being separated for three more days, before I get to Canada would be a piece of cake.  It's not, I am amazed at how quickly we have both become accustomed to sharing space.  I don't like saying things along the lines of "you complete me" or anything like that because I believe we are complete beings on our own, yet the ones we love most have the ability to bring out the best in us by simply being themselves.  That is what I miss; Millissa and I being ourselves and existing in our own ways in shared space, while bringing out the best in each other simultaneously.  


Three days really isn't that long of a time.  What is time anyway?  Time and the perception of it seems to get stranger as you get older.  Lets see, not even three years ago I was severely depressed and struggling through undergrad with little hope in the future.  From there I went to unemployed graduate, reading Moby Dick and overstaying my welcome on any and all couches I could.  To working in Madison, to teaching in S. Korea, to Portland and heartbreak/isolation, to thinking "you know what, this is all amazing, the mistakes, heartbreaks, triumphs and defeats, all of it has challenged me and pushed me to the point I am now at."  Still, as we get older and time flys faster, there are moments when I think "did all that really happen?"  "I really did all that staff in the last two years of my life?"  I know I did but it doesn't even seem real, it seems surreal at this point.  I mean there is no one in this world who I would have believed if they told me in January, that by April I would be married head over heals and moving to Canada.  Maybe there is something to deciding that I had to stop waiting to believe in life again and that I had to just do it.


And now here I am in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I made it through immigration with little problem which was a relief.  I was having some nervous moments leading upto coming here and even more so as Millissa showed me around the city on the first day.  It wasn't nervousness about Millissa and I, or moving to a city I've never even visited, I seem to do things like that often of late.  Millissa and I were eating lunch and she sensed my mind racing and kept pushing me till I would open up.  I hemmed and hawed as I'm still not completely used to this married thing where I can say anything, but Millissa persisted because she's great and that is who she is.


Once again, I find myself way out of my comfort zone, a place I'm getting more and more familiar with as well as a place that puts my issues at the forefront of my mind.  Due to immigration and the process of gaining residency I can't work for the first six to eight months I'm in Canada.  During this time I will be doing all kinds of things to keep busy; as Millissa will be managing a yoga studio, one thing I will be doing is yoga.  And that is what I am nervous about. After cancer I spent years in and out of depression, then I spent the last couple years healing and restoring hope in my mind, and now it is time to return to my body.  For a while I liked to think that I dealt with my intense competitiveness, but I'm beginning to realize I just buried it deep within me as I couldn't heel my mind and deal with the mental side of my physical loss at the same time.  And now, I know by doing yoga, by pushing my body, by continuing to heal, that the second I can't do something I am going to feel that pain of what I've lossed, the pain I've been running from for years, not out of fear but because I couldn't deal with it till I found a new equilibrium of existence and restored some of my mental strength.  So now it is time for this next chapter.


I spent my last day in Wisconsin with my mother.  One of the things we did was go and see a movie called "Free the Mind".  Among other things it followed some vets who were dealing with severe PTSD and not responding to traditional treatment.  The vets were put through a week of mindfulness and meditatiom training and at the end a number of the vets saw significant reductions in their PTSD symptoms.  A number of things struck me about this movie, one, I am not a vet but a number of the mental things I've gone through seem very akin to the symptoms of PTSD.  Two, at the very end of the movie there is a scene with the vets and their trainers are recapping the whole week, one of the trainers says, "just live, let yourself live."  That hit pretty close to home for me. In the simplest form what I've been going through can be summed up as, not letting myself live fully and enjoy the simply ordinary moments in life as I've lived with the fear of losing more after losing so much. And that's what it comes down to, whether vet, survivor or anyone else who has suffered or been forced to go through a traumatic experience, that experience wears you down and affects you in ways you can't understand in the moment.  I am more and more keenly aware of this everyday, I can tell when I get up in the morning and I am not letting myself live.  The more aware of it I become; the more painful and freeing it is at the same time.  


I haven't found the recipe for completely opening myself back up yet, but I know there is a reason I've jumped at all kinds of opportunities and moved all over the world the last couple years.  In the moment, as I made the decision to go to Korea, Portland and then Canada, I was unsure of the deeper reasoning behind these choices.  Now, I can see that I've done all of this out of a desire to live and free my mind and heart from the walls I've built  around them.  I wasn't sure how to live again, but I knew by moving around the world and getting out of my comfort zone, I would be putting myself in situations where I had little choice but to live.  It is interesting to look at the past couple years in this context, as I feel I've made some significant progress in getting back to myself and being the kind of person I want and need to be.  Still, I feel there is infinite room for growth and I look forward to the future and continuing to push myself, especially now that I have a partner to do it with.


What all of this leads me to is that I know on a deeper level exactly what I want to do with my life.  I'm not sure exactly what form this will take, but I feel, with what I have been through, I have to/want to help people live after going through trauma.  That is what I know, that is what drives me, that is what I am passionate about.  After losing something, or suffering for years, the last thing anyone needs to go through is years of mental turmoil on their own.  Yet, we all have our own life experiences, and not many people know suffering and trauma intimately, let alone know it, fight through it and then want to help others do the same.  But, I can't bare to think of my fellow survivors, gaining their physical health only to be depressed and frustrated with life for years to come.  Do I know how to stop this, do I have a plan, could I pull someone aside at this very moment and push them forward, probably not, but that is all the more reason to keep studying and pushing forward.  Everyone is different, everyone heals different so I need to find as many different ways to help people live as possible.  One thing I know I am going to do is get a Masters in Counseling... anyway, I'm ranting, but it is a relief to have found a calling that I have no doubt about following.  As usual, now that I have spelled all this out, I am itching to get started.  


That's all from Stoon for now.  You may be hearing more from me for a while as Millissa is the bread winner and I am the house husband!




Cheers, GET OUT AND LIVE!!!!!!!!!

Blogs on a Plane

I’m on a plane, flying hundreds of miles per hour, thousands of feet above the earth, leaving Portland, my home for the last 14 months, vanishing behind me.  The last three weeks have flown by and have included countless memorable moments. 

April 25^th, 2013 marked ten years to the day that I was diagnosed with Osteogenicsarcoma.  TEN YEARS.  It is hard for me to process that; hard to give it any form of concrete meaning.  And then I think about all the things I’ve done in the last ten years, all the times I felt defeated, all the times I wanted to give in and lay down and I know I never stopped pushing on.  If cancer did one thing to me, it made me realize I am a fighter.  It may not always look pretty but I know whatever storm comes my way, I can and will weather it. 

I had a moment a couple days after the 25^th.  I was walking home, the sun was out and it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  I started thinking about the last ten years in the context of the exact moment I was in.  I lost my breath and tears came to my eyes as I realized how hard I’ve fought to get where I am.  Illness wanted my freedom and I said “out of my cold dead hands”.  Since 2011 I’ve moved all over the world from Wisconsin to Seoul, South Korea to Portland, Oregon and now I am on my way to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I’ve realized I want a partner in life and found one.  I’ve worked extremely hard at improving the quality of life for countless individuals living with developmental disabilities.  And I’ve made friends all along the way. 

That’s the only thing that scared me about cancer; the possibility cancer would take my life and thus my choice to give my heart and soul to the world and those in need.  Not to mention it would stop me from finding a woman and giving her everything I can.  But, for those of you who know me, if you want to get me fired up, if you want to make me mad, just tell me I can’t do something.  Just get in my way, try and close a door on me and you won’t know what hit you.  I used to have little control over this fire within me; I’m proud of the goals I scored in my soccer playing days, but not all the yellow cards I got.  Now, I would at least like to think, I have more control over my fire.  It always burning but I’ve learned to use it in a more positive and less destructive way.  

I worked up until the day before I left.  Over the last year I have gone from lowest wrung of the ladder to floor manager of a day program for people with developmental disabilities.  It is an interesting field because you are being paid to provide a service to people, but you are also working with the same people repeatedly and providing them with care.  What I am saying is, yes, you are being paid, but you also develop genuine relationships.   While stepping down from my position and preparing to leave I found myself feeling like a father sending his kids off to college.  I reluctantly relinquished my responsibilities and worried, “are these individuals still going to get the same quality of care that I provided?”  I know they will and I’m already letting go but I am going to miss these genuine and unique beings.  When your job involves playing guitar and singing just because it makes people happy, it is a good job.  I could say a lot more but there are confidentiality issues in the field and I wont break them.

I spent my last week in Portland burning both ends of the candle, working by day and saying goodbye by night.  On Wednesday I spent the evening with my good friend Andrew participating in a Lego building contest.  We were given a theme, a bunch of Legos and 75 minutes to build.  The theme was funny.  Besides Andrew and myself there were two other acquaintances on our team.  One guy had participated in the contest before and said all the judges want is to see something funny and ironic.  After they said the theme was funny this kid says, “okay guys, what’s funny and ironic?”.  I almost exploded, “you asking me that is horribly and funny and ironic.”  I didn’t though, like I said I control my fire.  I suggested we build a giant mustache as a joke and they thought that was a great idea, I thought it was way too predictable and not very clever. 

Anyway, I just started building and one way or another we got on the subject of Arrested Development so we went with it.  We had a foot and a half tall Tobias Funke in nothing but jean shorts, complete with a window in the back of his head containing some Teamocil.  I built the sturdiest Lego Stair-Car ever made, complete with a hop-on.  Andrew built the prison containing White-Power/Dirty Ears Bill and George Senior.  He also built the Banana Stand, on fire, with money in the walls.  And to top it all off we found a Lego figurine with a cape and built him a segway…need I say Job?

There were some other somewhat impressive structures but nothing that blew me away.  The time limit came and went and then it was time for judging.  Considering we spent the first half hour having no idea what we were building I thought we did well but I didn’t think we stood much of a chance.  Then the other contestants started coming by, at first they would look confused and then they would start to put it together.  Everybody loved it and very quickly word spread through the entire bar that there was a Lego Arrested Development Menagerie on the back patio.  We WON!  The judge, when announcing, the winners said our piece brought out a lot of emotions, which I thought was funny, I mean come on, it is a Lego tribute to a sitcom, that shouldn’t get you that emotional.  It was great night.

                      Not the greatest photo, but you get the idea.

Then there is Millissa.  Getting married and immediately being apart for three weeks is not the greatest thing in the world.  Still, I am so proud of her for following her heart and getting way out of her comfort zone by going through two and a half intense weeks of AcroYoga teacher training.  It has been an interesting time for us as we are both going through very different yet challenging situations.  Me packing up and leaving Portland and Millissa honing her skills for the future.  Not to mention us both being incredibly busy and on a three hour time difference.  All that aside, I am really proud of us for handling the situation as well as we have.  Even if it is just a few minutes here and there, we made time to talk everyday.  With each day that passes our love grows stronger and I realize on a deeper level that I really have found the woman that stirs my heartstrings to no end.  And now we’re down to two more days until we return to each other. 

It hasn’t really hit me that Portland is no longer home.  I am going to miss a number of things about the city, but obviously since I am leaving it never exactly spoke to me in a way that made me think this is where I need to be in the world.  I don’t know what Saskatoon will hold for me, but I can’t wait to find out.  All I know is that I will keep approaching life with all the vigor I can muster because that is the only way I know.  I know this next chapter in life, being with Millissa, in a different country will be challenging but I also believe with my whole heart it will be amazing.  In closing, Canada, I coming for you with everything I’ve got! 

You Cool With That?

I've been married for a week now!  It feels real but I still can't believe it is.  Over the next few months I imagine everything will sink into a different level and I can't wait for that.  Being with Millissa is so incredibly easy and freeing, I want her around me all the time.  We can go from making each other laugh uncontrollably to having very intense conversations about what it means to be a survivor and how complicated mental healing is.  The dynamic Millissa and I share is what I always thought love should be; I am so thankful and relieved to have found her.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I don't know if I can sum it up because I was so floored and happy the entire time, but I will try.  Actually, no I won't, I am going skip a bunch and say, there were a number of dinners leading up to the wedding, and now I'll tell you about the wedding day.

The day started normally enough, breakfast, hanging out with family, wondering what Millissa was doing with her ladies.  I wasn't nervous.  We were hoping to have the wedding outdoors in a field overlooking the Columbia River Gorge, but the weather did not cooperate so we had to move it to the lodge my family rented.  Which was all good and fine, except all of the sudden the ceremony was moved from three to four, which meant I had an hour more to wait.  Still, I was calm and everything was good.

Then two o'clock rolled around and there was no food anywhere, I was thinking "wait, am I just not suppose to eat until after I get married, are you allowed to get married on an empty stomach?"  So I did the obvious, grab some brothers, friends, and a sister and said "find me Hood River's best tuna melt, cause I am getting married with tuna breath!"  Okay, not exactly but I did eat a tuna melt and brushed my teeth before the ceremony.

Post tuna melt I got back to the lodge and got changed into my wedding getup, still calm...  Then 3:30 rolls around and I am pacing, pacing nonstop and my heart is pounding, not because I am nervous or questioning my decision but because I can't wait to go through with this, I can't wait for Millissa and I to be bonded together for the rest of our lives!  So there I am, people are trickling in, and I am waiting.

The next thing I know, it's time and I am standing on the deck, the sun has come out for the first time all day, and my bride is walking up the aisle.  I knew she would be stunning and she was, INCREDIBLE!  Such a beautiful woman, I am so proud to call her my wife.  I was all smiles, maybe a couple tears.  The hardest thing was that the moment she got to me, all my instincts said kiss her!  KISS HER! KISS HER NOW!!!!!!  Which, I had to stop myself from doing, but the thought didn't go away.

My good friend, the Reverend Seth Alt, MC'd the entire ceremony, which was great because if there is one thing I know about the Reverend its that he will make you laugh, whether he means to or not.  He did not disappoint, after Millissa finished her vows Seth took an extended pause and then asked me, and I qoute "Are you cool with that Peter?"  It took me a moment to stop laughing, but my response was a resounding yes!  After that I gave my speech/vows and then came the moment we could kiss; my brain was still telling itself "don't kiss her, don't kiss her" so it took me a second to switch gears.  I stood there staring at her and then with great relief, I said to myself "hey! you can kiss her now!".

From there the rest is a blur, there were toasts, food, dances and so much more.  I could never have imagined the day coming together so quickly and going as well as it did.  Writing this a week later I would do anything to go back and do it all again!

At this point I would say everyone should get married, it's so easy.  So far marriage has involved sushi, Jurassic Park 3D, and sleeping in.  I imagine marriage over the years will be just like the first week... Well, actually quoting my mother "marriage and having kids are the hardest things you can do in life."  To be frank, I welcome that, I welcome whatever life has in store for Millissa and I.  What's the point of living if you don't do the hard things?  Where do you get your satisfaction if you don't put it all on the line and open your heart to someone?  There is no satisfaction without hardwork, there is no happiness without sadness, there are no highs without lows; don't kid yourself, we all know this is true.  All I know is I am thrilled to have a partner who is as energetic, passionate and motivated as Millissa is.  

Already I can see how this bond is starting to push me and put my own habits and idiosyncrasies in plain sight.  I like to drive, always have, always will; I like to drive and navigate at the same time.  What I don't like to do is be a passenger and tell the driver where to go when I know where to go and could just drive us there and let everyone else relax.  What I'm getting at is our rental car for the week was under Millissa's name and we didn't want to pay the extra chunk of change to insure multiple drivers.  So there you have it, right off the bat, I'm sitting shotgun, clamping my jaw, stomping out the selfish part of me that keeps repeating "I'm suppose to be driving".  

Millissa doesn't know her way around Portland, and I'll be kind and say is lacking a clear sense of direction.  Also, I don't have a car, so while I do know my way around Portland, there are still areas where I am not exactly sure of the best route.  On top of that there is a big difference between navigating for yourself in your head as opposed to out loud and for someone else.  For myself, I can think things like go over there, go there after you turn there... try navigating for someone else in that way.  "Okay, so we are going there, first turn there, then go there and right here you go that way then flip your car and jump the alligator pit and you've made it to Costco!"  

In one particular incident we were heading to the airport to pick up a friend.  The plan was to park in the short-term parking and meet our friend in baggage claim.  As we drove into the airport I was directing Millissa to follow the signs to the short-term parking.  We needed to make a hard left, I was pointing with both hands, "there, there, it's right there, go over there", we went straight.  My mother-in-law was sitting behind me, she whacked me on the shoulder and said "you're a horrible navigator, do you know words like left and right?".  It was a brief heated moment that very quickly turned to laughter, yes, left and right, those words that mean so much more than "no! Where are you going? Over there, over there!"  I got more used to navigating and not driving as the days went on, and as much as I didn't like it, anything that makes you break habits is good for you in some way.

The only time the entire week I almost lost it was when we went to Costco to buy beer and wine.  Mind you I've never been to Costco before, I'm surprised they don't sell children there.  That place is absurd, overwhelming and honestly made me a bit sick to my stomach.  If you want to see overcomsumption at its finest go to Costco. Need 20 lbs of bacon and four thousand rolls of industrial strength toilet paper?  They've got it all!  In lieu of any fore-thought or approximations of how many beverages were needed the cart was simply piled high.  I didn't even know six-packs of wine existed until then.

So what now?  The wedding is over and as much as I just want to keep celebrating there is work to be done.  I've got three more weeks in Portland, three weeks to pack up and get ready to move.  Three weeks to finish immigration paperwork.  And three weeks before Millissa and I get to be together for good!  The last one is the hard part, it is amazing how quickly and sure I am about having Millissa in my life on a daily basis.  Life is so much better with her around.  I don't mean that when she isn't around I'm worthless or that I'm relying on her to make my life better or to make me happy.  I mean that life is better when she's around because of the way we are together, because it is so easy for us to be ourselves with each other.  

That's all for now!

Hulk Smash!

Again, I've been absent for some time.  I asked Millissa to marry me a month ago and everything since then has been a blur.  There have been ups and downs.  I've ridden the highs and savored the days of having a constant dance party in my heart.  The lows are not very low.  I cherish them for what they are, and use them as an opportunity to get as in touch with myself as possible.  Those are the moments where I stop and think, "okay this is the time where I should be saying wait, what am I doing? How can I marry this woman so quickly?"  But that's not what goes through my mind, I can't make those thoughts appear even if I try.  What my mind/heart says is, "she's not this woman, she's Millissa and she's everything you could dream of and more, which is why you are marrying her".  

The conversations Millissa and I have are what keeps me sane while I deal with the logistics of planning a wedding in a single month.  I've spent more time shopping for clothes in the last two weeks, than I generally do in a single year, not to mention figuring out what size ring I wear.  I wear an 8.5 if anyone wants to send me a wedding ring, just kidding, the ring is ordered and at this point at least half the outfit is purchased.  

I only started trying clothes on before I bought them a couple of years ago, so the time it is taking me to figure out what to wear feels like an eternity.  I’ve been to H&M four times in the past week...AHHHHHHHHHH!  I don't know which time I was there but at one point this song came on and my approximation of the lyrics are "I don’t remember falling asleep, I woke up in my car with my clothes on, I've got to be with you! You're so crazy!"  I walked out, can't be near that nonsense music, got to keep all these Bruno’s Mars and Maroon’s Fives jams out of my life.  

I ended up at Men’s Wearhouse.  Which is perfect because I’ve been hijacking their slogan for years and telling people, “I like the way I look, I guarantee it”.  The salesman didn’t know what to do with me and thought it was completely ridiculous that I was shopping for clothes two weeks before getting married.  He proceeded to suggest multiple styles that I would not be caught dead wearing and also managed to prick his finger on the pins holding dress shirts together repeatedly.  

Logistically, the wedding preparations are going smoother than I could imagine thanks to many amazing individuals.  This event went from four people at a courthouse, to 25 people standing in a field overlooking the Columbia River Gorge in the blink of an eye.  I am floored by the love and support Millissa and I have received.  Never in my life could I have imagined things happening the way they are right now.  

I am doing my best to appreciate this moment in life and savor the beauty of it.  At times it is hard to stay grounded, but one thing that has kept me grounded throughout life is seeing people do ridiculous things while driving.  I mean really you are driving a car, why/how are you doing anything else with your hands?  I have one very distinct story of this situation that gave me an incredible amount of peace at the time it occurred.  

Back when I was in the midst of treatment my family and I tried to take some form of a vacation.  Friends generously gave us access to their cabin and we all drove up to spend a couple days there.  I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and noticed a vein bulging out of my neck when I looked in the mirror.  I was freaked out, but tired and also tired of scaring my family with my medical issues, somehow I managed to got back to sleep.  I woke up early and showed my parents immediately.  They called the hospital and vacation ended after one night and half a day.  We flew down the interstate from the Wisconsin Dells area back to Madison.  I remember riding in the back of the car, headphones blaring, thinking and refusing to believe anything but whatever the current health issue was I could handle it.  I can’t imagine being my parents, having watched me go through chemo and surgery multiple times and now being told “yes, get here as soon as possible, we don’t know what is going on with your son now”.  At the time I couldn’t see that, and it is still hard to see what my family went through while I battled cancer.  What I do know is that they were there every step of the way and supported me however they could.  Watching a friend or family member suffer and fight through an illness is emotionally indescribable because in its purest form, you are watching someone you love carry an immense weight that you can only watch them carry.  You can be there but you can’t lift a single finger to alleviate the suffering itself.  You cannot go through chemo, surgery or doctors appointments for someone else.  Still, all the visits and nights my family spent in the hospital  were exactly what I needed.  A bit of a tangent there...

Back to the point.  I was sitting in the back of the van thinking “what now?”  When I looked out the window and saw the man driving the car next to ours had one hand on the steering wheel.  I didn’t think anything of this until he lifted his other hand into view and he was wearing a green hulk fist.  Somehow, some way, seeing this ridiculous example of human freedom gave me peace and absolute confidence that I would survive.  If this was an ACT analogy it would go like this: A man driving with one hand and wearing a hulk glove on the other hand is to Peter Greenwood beating cancer.  

To bring it full circle I was walking home Friday when I noticed a man driving his car and playing a trumpet at the same time.  He was clearly playing along to his stereo and having a blast.  I laughed and smiled.  I cherish the moments when I actually see a human being utilizing the freedom we all posses.  The freedom to play a trumpet and drive, to wear hulk gloves at a time that puts your life in jeopardy, the freedom to be yourself and express who you are.  That is what being human is.  Alright, I’m getting all preachy, but the point is be yourself, don’t ever compromise that and find what makes you happy, what lights you up and do it!  One of my current favorite quotes is from the novel “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay”.  Michael Chabon writes “ Don't waste your life. Don’t allow your body’s weakness to be a weakness in spirit, repay your doubt of freedom, you have the key.”  When I read that it went straight to my heart and made me realize that no matter what I’ve been through, no matter what I’ve lost, I still have the freedom to choose to be good to myself and others.  So whatever comes your way, eat it up, spit it out, make yourself you without a doubt.

Also, thank you to everyone who has read my blog, and given me positive feedback.  I’ve always been the heart on the sleeve type, yet bearing my soul to the internet feels weird at times.  Getting the feedback I’ve gotten has made it clear to me that writing this is the right thing to do.  Again, THANK YOU for reading.