Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, Two More Steps Forward

Way back in February or beyond that, I'm not sure anymore, I wrote and made some bold declarations of where I was going with my writing, the new year etc. and then I quit writing.  I've made many declarations over the years mostly about things I would do or become and in most cases they have not happened.  Understandably so I've become wary of making bold claims; most of us know words are much easier to speak than actions are to take.  So what happend?  I'm not exactly sure, two steps forward, one step back?

It is only human nature to relapse or regress at some point, it happens to all of us throughout life multiple times.  One moment we are on top of the world thinking, "I've really made progress in the last few months" and in the next moment we are right back where we started, wondering how we got to a place we thought we had finally left far behind.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a sob story, this is just my usual attempt to be honest.

For a couple of months I found myself back in the place I set out to leave behind when I started this writing project.  The place I had occupied for years, that in its purest essence is simply a lack of faith in myself and the world around me.  A place I never occupied in my younger years and a place, that overtime, I grew all to familiar with as I tried to muscle my way over the hump of Cancer, Amputation, Post-Traumatic Stress and Depression.  Alright enough, you all know that already. 

Maybe it was the eight months of winter with more than 30 days of temps in the -20's (I'm not exaggerating people, I always said Portland wasn't cold enough but get it together Saskatoon!).  Or maybe it was the 10 month wait for immigration, that didn't seem like much for the first few, but the weight of not working and simultaneously building a new relationship definitely grew heavier as the months carried on.  It really doesn't matter though, the only thing to do is say "alright, I made it through that, I'm ready to get up and face whatever is next" while knowing I am a bit stronger thanks to what I am now moving beyond. 

Onto the good.  As of April 6th I am officially a permanent resident of Canada!  What does this mean, I can now legally work in Canada and I have a health card.  Yes, I do have this whole free health insurance thing.  

I'm not sure the system here is the solution, well... I'm sure it's not.  In most cases it is good but with access to all comes long long long waits, which can mean getting your final diagnosis of various diseases a couple months after the fact, which may also be a matter of life and death (don't take that the wrong way, as far as I'm concerned health care is a right everyone should have).  This is a topic for another time though, hopefully someday health care will get sorted.  The biggest thing I've noticed is how much I am used to the American system and getting whatever tests, prosthetic maintenance etc. I need ASAP, that is not the case here.  Again, with access to all most docs want to make sure you really need what you are asking for so that everyone gets the care they need.  My prosthesis is covered, but I'm still navigating the waters and figuring out how to get the service it requires, appointments have been made though.  

Something I haven't mentioned, is that for the last six months I have been teaching Yoga to kids and youth of all ages, from kindergarteners all the way up to youth in their early 20's.  For the young ones I have to give a full story of my leg before we can do anything Yoga related.  This has been fun as kids will ask me anything and their innocence can bring me to laughter just as well as tears.  One question where I had to swallow a few back was, "how sad did losing your leg make you?" This from a sixth grader, my answer, "it made me sad for years".  And then I show them pictures of me surfing, climbing and completing marathons and tell them that whatever happens in life they are strong enough to continue on and live amazing lives.  And then we do Yoga, and they see with their own eyes how I can still move, stand on my head, crack jokes and share the things I've learned.  Not many things bring me more joy than this, it seems to be an amazing use of my life experience.  

I've learned many things from this experience; one of them being the age at which it is too young to give kids the chance to ask questions.  While teaching a quick 20 minute session with a group of kindergarteners, I gave time for questions and one child mumbled something, I asked her to repeat it and very loudly she said "there must have been a lot of blood" in reference to me losing my leg.  I stifled a laugh and quickly closed the floor for questions.  

I did mention that I can now legally work, which means I'm back in human services.  I'll be the first to admit it is not my dream job, but luckily it is a job I do find joy in doing.  I'm currently working in a house where I support two individuals with mental disabilities and even though I have a couple years experience they are teaching me many things.  Millissa sure appreciates the fact that I'm making some bread now too.

Which brings me to the other thing that has been progressing, Millissa and I have now been married over a year.  I can't really believe the first year of marriage has already come and gone.  Many things have happened and in all honesty it feels like the last year took place in about five minutes.  

What have I learned? Well first to state the obvious to anyone that has been in a longterm committed relationship; one of the best ways to get to know yourself is to be dedicated to someone, spend time with them on a daily basis and see them get to know you.  As much as I am getting to know Millissa, I am getting to know myself.  Seeing Millissa try and decipher the 15 different meanings of my 15 different inflections of "mmm hmm" has been as informative to me as it is frustrating to her.

The biggest challenge over the first year has been establishing the foundation of our relationship.  I assume that is the first and often most challenging step of all intimate relationships, it has been tedious for us at times but I know we are making progress.  What we do have and what is constant, is a deep seeded love for each other.  This doesn't mean we haven't come to the trivial place of wondering if we have either taken the greatest leap of faith, or made a large mistake by getting together so rapidly.  That's just it though, the love we feel is an unavoidable pull towards each other, it doesn't mean once the pull brings us close we know how to fit together.  This is any relationship's challenge in its purest form; how two people fit together.  

Dealing with finances, new jobs, lack of jobs and on and on, are all things that make it that much harder to meld our lives into one.  So we're married but we're dating.  Dealing with the hard stuff after doing the easy part and tying the knot.  With each day it gets easier and we still make each other laugh uncontrollably often so I'm pretty sure we got this.  Love you Millissa, looking forward to what the rest of year two has in store.

One thing it does have in store is a trip to Wisconsin in the coming days.  Millissa and I will be making the 18 hour drive from Saskatoon to Spring Green next week.  I haven't been home for the last two summers and Millissa has never seen the beauty of the Driftless Region in summer so I'm really excited for this coming trip.  As usual we'll be around for about a week, which won't seem near long enough but we'll take what we can get.  

One of many highlights of this trip will be attending the 10th year of 4PeteSake's Day in the Park.  For those of you who don't know, 4PeteSake is an organization started by some amazing individuals in the Spring Green community that supports people facing medical emergencies in their life.  It was originally founded in 2004 to provide the funds needed to purchase myself a state of the art prosthesis.  Needless to say I am humbled and honored to see how 4PeteSake has grown and continues to serve people in need.  I never could have imagined anything so incredibly positive coming out of the battles I faced.  If you are in Wisconsin get yourself to Spring Green on August 17th for a fundraiser like no other.  I'll be playing some songs and giving a brief speech around 5 in the evening.  For more info checkout 4petesake.com.  

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Freedom is an Oxymoron

Freedom as defined in the dictionary is "being unrestrained, or the power to determine action without restraint".  This is not freedom.  If you forgo all restraint and take whatever actions you like, say eat ten pounds of ice cream a day and start running red lights because you don't feel like waiting, where will that take you?  Will you be free?  No!  You'll be dead.  If you verbalized every random obscene thought that entered your head, you would end up with no friends and a slew of people who found you completely offensive, unless of course you are perfect.  That is not freedom.  Freedom is not impatience.  Freedom is not turning every hopeful compulsion into action, with the desire of finding pleasure.  

How do I know freedom is not all of the above?  Well, there was a time when I was searching for meaning and I wanted it fast and easy.  I thought maybe I could find it in ice cream and beer, or other things that temporarily took the angst of life out of my vains.  You can guess how that worked out.  I had some fun, but I didn't find any meaning.  The ice cream melts, the beer runs out and you wake up with a headache and an even stronger longing for meaning.  Freedom is meaning.  Freedom is waking up in the morning and being excited for what you're going to accomplish in the day.  

And how do you find meaning in life?  You don't just say, "hey, I want more meaning," and the sky opens up and says "here is your path to meaning, it's is bright and clear, just keep walking, piece of cake."  If only it was that simple, well actually no, nothing worth it comes easy.  Many of us are frantically searching for that thing we are going to do to make the world better and make our hearts swell with joy.  You won't find meaning if you don't stop searching for it.  You inherently know what gives you meaning, but if you don't stop trying to figure it out, you'll never get quiet enough to hear what you're telling yourself.  The world is chaotic, your mind is chaotic, your heart is full of things you need to know, and to hear those things you must have discipline.  Discipline will give you meaning, meaning will give you freedom; freedom is discipline, discipline is freedom.

Does your brain hurt now?  Why am I going off on this tangent?  Well over the last 40 days I have been partaking in a 40 Days of Yoga habit forming practice.  This means yoga and five minutes of meditation everyday.  It also means taking something out of my life and adding something in, i.e. discpline.  I toke out alcohol and added in an attempt to talk to people more.  I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 40 days, the longest span in close to ten years for me.  Alcohol is something I have used in excess at moments in my life, I have gotten a better handle on that over the last few years, but it still seemed and feels like a good idea to give it a rest.  I don't think the day will ever come that I don't like beer, just being honest.  Regardless, this has been a really good exercise in discipline.  

The first ten days were easy.  That isn't an incredibly unusual time for me to go without having a drink.  As I hit the halfway point I could feel the challenge getting to me.  While having discipline in part of my life I don't normally have, I found myself lacking discipline in places where I normally have it.  Suddenly, I found my diet going off the rails.  Every time I was out I wanted to buy a candy bar and a bag of chips.  Or steak, summer sausage and ribs.  I wanted salt, sugar and meat, that's it.  While my diet is random, I try to eat healthy and balanced, but am not hyper aware of everything I eat.  Still, this was not normal.  

It is kind of like the Whack-a-Mole game.  I smashed the alcohol mole, but the gorging, salty, sweet, meat-tooth mole came up.  At first it caught me off guard and I just went with it, twix, kitkats, sausage, pork, chips, ice cream, put it in a blender and pour some beer on top.  Mmmm heaven!  That didn't happen.  I've begun to push this mole back in his hole and am doing my best to keep him there.  This time has taught me much about discipline and how much balance and focus it takes to live a healthy yet enjoyable life.  If you ask me, the answer is not in disciplining yourself constantly in regards to everything.  You can't eat only the über healthiest foods, workout four hours a day etc. and be happy.  Likewise you can't do the reverse.

As far as talking to people more, it is another step in getting back to life.  I remember around my junior or sophomore year of high school talking to pretty much everyone, not really having a care and then something switched and I don't think I have communicated as openly ever since.  That something switching was the beginnings of worldview that was not very optimistic and left me prone to depression, among other things, for a long period of time.  This lack of communication was exacerbated by cancer and losing my leg.  I am open with what I have been through, but I know at times, more so in the past, I shied away from casual conversation because I got tired of telling my life story.  Which can be hard for me to avoid, you don't get far in knowing anything about me without hearing about cancer and the loss of my leg.  It permeates every part of my being, every belief I have, and most actions I take.  

Making communication a goal wasn't a thought that would have entered my head until recently.  I am realizing how much I packed all the intensity of cancer and losing my leg into a solid rock and put it on my back.  No wonder my communication was stunted, it is hard to have casual conversation carrying that weight around.  I'm still not much for casual conversation, facing your own end will do that.  As I've finally bowed enough to this weight for it to roll off my back things have shifted.  Notice I said bow, not throw, push, stand or anything that connoted fighting.  It took a long time to realize I couldn't push this away with aggression, I could only bring it close, let it in and let it break me.  So bowing, bending and throwing myself wide open was the only option I had to move the weight off my back.  And even as I did that, I first imagined that this rock was now underneath my feet and I could stomp and jump and it would break.  Nope.  Again, aggression serves no purpose.  

I've wondered for a time now, if I make my life heavier than it needs to be with what I've lived through.  Wondered if the weight is really as heavy and daunting to carry as I've made it out to be, or if that is my own mind.  I've wondered if the way I've lived in response to cancer and losing my leg is right, or if I really should just be happy to be alive.  In the past I've shied away from answering this question, but the other day without meaning to, I answered the question.  I've coped and done my best to live well during some difficult times.  Am I proud of everything I've done? No.  Are there things I wish I could do over?  Yes.  But I refuse to live in the past.  So the answer to this question is of course, yes and no.  But the real point is that it is all on me.  This weight, what I've lived through, no one but me can determine if I fall or stand.  I determine how heavy or light the burden is.  I determine if I say "look at how hard my life has been" and then give up.  Or if I say "wow, what a lot to live through in less than 30 years" and then get up and run with the opportunity I have to demonstrate the strength of the human spirit.  I feel more lightness than I've felt in years, now that I have admitted to myself that no matter what happens to me, it is 100 percent my responsibility to make my life awesome!

So freedom isn't Ford trucks, something someone can take from you, or French fries.  Freedom is the ability to choose the way you discipline yourself, it is the ability to have a dream and then hunker down and do the hardwork to achieve it.  It is having balance, holding yourself accountable and also saying forget it, doing something completely contrary to your dream, being ok with that, and regrouping and getting back to it in the morning.  More than anything it is taking FULL responsibility for YOUR life.  That is where it all starts.  

Looking back, Looking Forward

I started last year by setting an overall resolution to be kinder to myself, and to love myself, no matter how often I fell victim to the human condition of feeling less than adequate.  Another goal I set for myself, was to do everything I could to get out from under the omnipresent, and menacing storm clouds cancer had left dangling over my entire adult life.  These are too pretty broad resolutions, and honestly the first one plays a large part in achieving the second one.  So where did these goals lead me and leave me as 2014 plows ahead in disregard of all that was 2013?

Well first off, I would say I did an admirable job of pushing beyond my comfort zone, to get back to life, while also significantly reducing my habitual and self-defeating thought patterns.  I still have moments in my head where I am wondering what caused me to take the actions I have, that led me to an either uncomfortable, or unwanted place.  In past situations like this I would have compounded the occasion with further thoughts of "Peter, you're not good enough etc.", but now I find myself almost amused more than anything, at the endless capacity humans have to make mistakes.  Recently Millissa and I had an amazing grocery shopping experience ...while arguing with each other.  A few days later when the dust had settled we realized without talking to each other we had bought four boxes of crackers and about three pounds of olives, now that's a diet that will sustain you!  I'm laughing about this as I write it, mistakes are part of the spice of life and they are great learning tools, hopefully you don't have to make them repeatedly.  I can tell you I will not be doing any disgruntled grocery shopping in the near future.

There are a number of concrete things I can point to, in regards to blowing those storm clouds away.  First, the big one, getting married and moving to Canada to be with Millissa and start building a partnership for life.  This never would have happened if I hadn't set my intention in the beginning of 2013 to say yes to the opportunities life gave me to grow and again, move out from under those storm clouds.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, marrying Millissa is the greatest compulsion I have ever indulged.  That being said, my dad put it this way, "you guys have an arranged marriage, but you arranged it yourselves".  As the months have gone on we have found ourselves searching for a groove and adjusting to each other's constant presence.  I'm not going to lie and say things are all rainbows and butterflies, there have been all sorts of challenges and the preceding months have been the most challenging.  I am not shocked by anything that has come up, especially with the order in which we did things, most people don't get married and then build their relationship.  But we are not most people, and my heart and intuition still burn brightly with the same intense love I felt the moment I asked Millissa to marry me.  Which brings me to my first goal for 2014, to continue putting my best foot forward in building a relationship Millissa and I can rely on for the rest of our lives.  

The other thing I new I had to face if I was really going to get back to living, and which I have written about fairly extensively, was being active despite the parts of my body I have lost.  This is something I have avoided for years as the pain associated with the loss of my leg runs deep and had a tight grip on my soul.  Before this year I had completed seven marathons on a handcycle and achieved moderate skills in whitewater kayaking, but these were both sports that in no way, shape, or form made me look the loss of my leg square in the eye.  It took time and multiple efforts, but in 2013 I quit turning my back on myself and the reality that living as an amputee is.  I started biking again for the first time in eight years, I cannot put the joy that brings me into words.  I spent an incredible three weeks on Maui defying gravity and altering my own perception of what I am capable of by surfing on one leg.  The thing that really did it though, that made me spend the most time with all the emotion and pain associated with my amputation and that still makes me look at the parts of me I uncontrollably want to avoid was and is yoga. 

When I first started practicing yoga it was a challenge just to walk into a class, fairly quickly I got over that and have been practicing at home or at the studio more days than not since June.  As my practice evolved more specific poses became challenging.  And then as I found a bit more stability over time other poses challenged me because, in order to do them I have to engage what is left of my left leg.  I can feel parts of my left hip that have been in little use for years now, I can feel the emotional trauma present in these muscles that have been dormant.  I can feel such a release at times that my body shakes uncontrollably even as I want to be still.  And all this opening of my body and mind really just makes me want to run, but the stronger my desire to run is, the strong my will and discipline to go back becomes.  I'm sticking with the philosophy, that some of the most important things you have to do in life in order to grow, are the things you least want to do.  

I have also been taking a climbing class for the last couple of months.  It is a love hate relationship, as I still don't like being more than a few feet off the ground, but it is sinking its grip further and further into my skin the more times I climb.  What can I say, you have to stay active when it is negative 50 and colder than Mars for half the winter.

So those are the concrete external things I've done in the last year, which brings me back to the internal and psychological.  The understanding I have of my psyche post cancer/amputation is greater than at any point in my life.  Cancer and losing my leg made me feel weak.  Beating cancer and falling victim to depression and self-defeating behaviors made me feel weak.  All the weakness I felt caused me to spend a significant time avoiding anything that would heighten my awareness to my perceived weakness.  Was this wrong, was it right, it doesn't matter.  I still want to go there fairly often, I get six feet up the wall at the climbing gym, and I want to quit.  I don't want to get on my yoga mat ALL the time, due to the intensity it puts in my face.  But I won't stop and the better I know and the more often I confront my weaknesses, the more I will dissolve them because the truth is my strength is as infinite as I want it to be.  

Which brings me to the present and what I am shooting for in 2014.  After spending a year focusing on loving myself and putting little to no pressure on myself no matter the mistakes I made, I find myself seeking something more.  I am beginning to think that loving myself also means holding myself accountable and making sure my productivity and creativity are opporating at a high level.  And then the other day I stumbled across this qoute.

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

        ― E.B. White

You're right, that is the author of "Charlette's Web", maybe I need to go back and read that book.  This qoute basically sums up my daily life and my struggle "to plan the day".  Among the many things cancer, losing a limb and spending extended time in a hospital taught me is that it is never too early to cherish and enjoy everything in life, the small, medium, big and huge things all included.  Yet, I am 29, and am supposed to have no aversion to working myself silly to achieve the career of my dreams.  While in reality, I have no trouble taking 20 minutes in the middle of any given day to read a chapter in whatever fiction has a grip on me, work emails, and future plans be damned.  Is this right? I don't know, and to be honest I don't care because I will never feel guilty about reading a good book, if I did, I wouldn't be a writer.

So here is what I am looking for in 2014, balance, consistancy, and discipline.  I don't want to continue putting zero pressure on myself and being ok with what I do and don't achieve.  That is where the balance comes in; as much as I don't want to put zero pressure on myself, I also don't want to put too much pressure on myself.  I think this will come down to looking at what is realistic and making sure it is achieved.  

Consistency is something I have struggled with for a while.  It ties directly into the pressure issue, I want to apply the right amount of pressure on a consistent basis to achieve maximum productivity and efficiency.  Not to sound too business like...

The bottom line is that to achieve both of these previous goals is going to take discipline, another thing I have lacked over the years.  Realistically, balance, consistency and discipline all tie into the bigger issue of productivity.  That is why I am currently more or less unemployed and you only hear from me once month or so.  I want this to change, and I will change it.  Just watch, you'll be reading this in the "New Yorker" by the end of the year, ok that is a big jump, but the point is, I'm holding myself more accountable in 2014 order to get where I need to go.  Where that is, I'm still not certain, but know it is worth putting in the work to get there.

Last, I hope you guys are readers cause these posts are getting longer and longer, maybe it is time for that book?  I want to thank you for reading this over the year and for all the positive feedback I've gotten, I wouldn't be where I am and writing/sharing what I am without your support.  It means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep on writing.  I hope you all had amazing, inspiring and beautifully holidays!  And if you're still looking for some New Years resolutions/goals then balance, consistency and discipline are pretty broad concepts that I am sure you can apply to your life.  

Onward and Upward into 2014 We Go!

Surfing; The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

Shifting from surfing to shoveling snow in a matter of days didn't feel substantial when it happened.  And now, as I've been shoveling on and off for a few weeks, it almost feels like the surfing never took place, but I know it did.  When I'm asked "how was Maui?" I still really don't know how to answer, I usually just say "It was great!"  That's an understatement and doesn't come close to encompassing all that took place during those three weeks in the middle of the ocean.

Surfing, for me, may have been the straw to break the camels back.  I've spent the last year of my life pushing myself in ways, that for years, I believed were no longer possible.  From rock climbing, to biking, to yoga and now surfing I believe I've sufficiently proven to myself that I can find a way to do anything I want.  If I start thinking I can't do something ever again, then really I'm just being lazy and not living life to my true capabilities.

Nothing I have done in the past compares to surfing.  I can't think of a feeling that equals paddling into a wave, letting it pick me up and then riding it as long as I can.  If you want to feel the true power of water, of nature, of things that are beyond you then you need to try surfing.  Empowering and humbling are the two words I would use to describe it.  Empowering to know you have the ability to pair yourself with something that dwarfs every aspect of your being, and humbling to be one with a wave and its strength. 

As I pondered why I've struggled to answer the simple question of "how was Maui?" I've realized to truly answer that question I would have to talk your ear off for a couple hours.  Most people aren't looking for that or simply don't have the time, but as I've stated before authenticity is something I take to heart in all aspects of my life, which is why I struggle with simply answering "great!"  Don't get me wrong, it was great, but not a light great, more of a multilayered somewhat heavy great.

This wasn't a drinking on a the beach for three weeks kind of trip.  This was a being a part of two week long surf camps for young adult cancer survivors trip.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, Millissa has extensive experience running adventure trips specifically for young adult cancer survivors.  I was lucky enough to be able to tag-along while she worked as the camp director for two weeks of Athletes 4 Cancer's, Camp Koru.  In a nutshell, what happens is approximately 15 young adult survivors fly to Maui, hangout together and learn to surf for a week.  A "campfire" is held every night to discuss various things related to cancer and what goes on throughout the week.  For the most part though, the common experience of learning to surf is used to catapult campers into forming authentic relationships and discussing all things cancer in whatever way is most beneficial to them. 

As my experience with young adult cancer camps is all with First Descents, another nonprofit that runs camps, I attended the first week of Camp Koru as a participant.  At first I had to fight the feeling building inside me that I didn't need to be a participant, that I was healed and beyond needing to attend cancer camp as anything other than staff, good thing I didn't hold onto that...  On the first full day of camp, myself and the other campers were herded to the beach to see what our natural surfing abilities were.  I took part in all the warm ups with my prosthesis on and then it was time to get in the water.  My prosthesis cannot get wet; I wondered around on the beach while everyone else got ready and plunged into the ocean.  I found myself on the beach with the founder of Athletes 4 Cancer, Tonia Farman, and Millissa (Wife/Camp Director, an interesting combination...) getting frustrated with me as I stalled on getting into ocean.

I hopped this way and that as my mind filled with memories of my former life, the time during a pickup game of soccer when I took the starting kickoff all the way down the field and scored on my own because I didn't feel anyone else was trying hard enough.  Or the last time I ever played soccer, when I could tell I was slow and out of shape compared to my past, hell I had been undergoing chemotherapy for months already, but I still had the determination and moxie to create space and bury one more goal in the corner of the net.  It is harnessing this energy, this unwavering determination that still scared me until recently.  In the past I harnessed it easily because I had no fear of failing.  Now, on the beach, I was trying to avoid my own power because I didn't want to know what it feels like to give everything I physically can and fail. Finally as wife/camp director's frustration builds and I am on the verge of getting thrown into the ocean, I get in.  Very quickly I found surfing to be well within my abilities, and also found myself harnessing that fierce energy within on a daily basis. 

Going through this experience with surfing, as well as with biking and yoga over the summer, has made me realize much of the lingering issues I have are related to my amputation.  The amputation is a consequence of the cancer, but in some ways it is a separate thing with a more physical presence and thus more longterm mental and physical aftereffects.  I found my way through, at least a good portion, of the maze cancer constructed in my mind.  But I couldn't move any further without tapping into a part of myself I had locked down after losing my leg.  I locked this strength down because of its potential to break me.  At the same time, if I never worked with it, if I never let it break me a bit here and there, I would never be able to authentically move through having cancer and losing my leg.  And most significantly I would never be able to put myself back together in a stronger fashion.  Early on I tried to regain my relationship with this part of me, but I found the mental pain overwhelming.  I would go to the basketball court to shoot and the ball would ricochet off the backboard out of my reach and I would be left to spend the next minute walking 90 yards to retrieve it.  My entire body would react like it used to but my prosthesis could not keep up.  It was too much, I just stopped, I didn't do anything physical for years that would stir any part of this up.

Keeping this locked down was holding me back though, I had done as much healing as I could without letting myself enjoy life the way I most enjoy it.  Pushing myself physically and mentally.

As the first week of camp carried on I came to a few conclusions.  No matter where you are with your cancer experience, journey, adventure, whatever you want to call it, you can still heal further and help others do the same along the way.  As much as anything though, I feel lucky, lucky that I have gone through what I have and been able to come out the other side with the perspective I have.  Lucky that I can hopefully help other survivors gain some perspective and maybe lessen their suffering by some amount.  Yet, as I went into camp feeling like an elder states-man in the survivor world, I came out feeling very cautious with how I approach helping survivors.  I don't want to force my experience onto others and I absolutely do not want to push someone into the emotional depths of their battle with cancer before they are ready to go there.  Even so, I will state this with no apologies, you have to go to the heart of any adversity that you face in life, cancer, losing a limb, a breakup, whatever it is, it doesn't matter, you have to go to the darkest and most painful places if you truly want to heal.  These places hurt like hell, when you are there you may think you will never get out but if you keep moving one foot in front of the other you will find yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel.  All this adversity, for lack of better words breaks you, but when you start to get to know the broken pieces then you can start putting them back together, and you won't put them back together the same way you did before.  The way they were put together before wasn't very strong, if it was you wouldn't have fallen apart.  But now you know the pieces better so you can fit them together tighter and the bonds between them will be stronger. 

The second week of camp I stayed on as a volunteer and did my best to help Millissa and the campers out as much as I could.  This was a great experience for Millissa and I as we still plan on fulfilling our dream of creating a non-profit to serve young adult Canadian survivors.  It was another great week that left me with plenty to think about and work on for running trips in the future. 

Upon returning to Saskatoon I found myself in a daze for a few days and then in a bit of a funk.  Eventually, I realized I was holding onto all the grief and pain my new friends from camp were facing in their lives, as if it was my own.  I was letting it dictate how I felt on a daily basis and letting it stop me from doing things I needed to do.  It took me a few days but I knew I had to let it go and I did.  If trying to help other survivors on their way is going to stop me from living a healthy life, then obviously it is not something I can dedicate my life to.  I believe this was just a learning experience though, I have carried my burden and will continue to do so, but I can't carry anyone else's. 

Cancer; it is a growing problem that is not going away anytime soon.  It is a problem that needs to be addressed on many different levels.  The adventure camps are an amazing experience for survivors and have a substantial impact in helping them get back on their feet, but when camp is over you still return to your life as it was before camp.  You may be invigorated and ready to make some changes, and maybe you can make them on your own, but in many cases having support post camp would be very beneficial to survivors. 

Sometimes, multiple times a day, I encounter someone who has had cancer or lost someone close to them to cancer.  I don't seek this out but it keeps happening, over and over again.  It stings a bit every time, to know the pain this disease is ravaging on the world.  As these encounters have piled up I've begun to ask myself if simply invigorating survivors through adventure and sending them back into the world to do what they will is really addressing the problem.  Don't get me wrong, it addresses the problem on a personal level but cancer is so much bigger than that.  The reason why diagnosis are sky-rocketing, why my encounters with cancer never cease, is because we as a human race have created a toxic environment that cancer thrives within.  We need to start addressing this now, to start education people on what we can do to begin reversing the damage we have caused and to hopefully someday see a drop in new diagnosis's of cancer and other diseases.  I know a cure is commonly seen as the ultimate goal, but that addresses the problem on a superficial level, not the underlying environmental causes of cancer. 

So to really attack cancer we must address it on many levels.  We need to look at the food we put in our bodies and how the actions we take in our daily life effect the environment.  And we still need to help survivors take their lives back.  My vision for what Millissa and I will create is becoming clearer and clearer.  I see an adventure camp that addresses the individual side of battling cancer as well as the broader environmental and cultural aspects.  I see a week long camp that will not only give survivors the tools to change their lives, but will give them the tools to change the world.  I see continuing support beyond camp and building a strong community that will effect more change by supporting each other.  Our goal is to run a trip by next summer.  As 2013 comes to an end I see nothing but blue sky on the horizon for 2014.

Bithday All the Time!

I'm hurtling across the sky back to Saskatoon and my heart is on fire.  I feel as always there is so much for me to do, and so much I must hold myself accountable to, due to the power and insight the life I've lived has given me.  

And it's my birthday... A birthday travel day, but there is nothing wrong with that.  What do you do on your birthday?  You celebrate your life, but is that something you should only do one day a year?  No!  I mean really you spend one day a year celebrating your existence and every other day mindlessly existing?  Of course not!  Which is why traveling through the middle of the night, by myself, on my birthday, doesn't bother a single cell in my body.  

I just spent three weeks in Maui participating in and helping run two surf camps for young adult cancer survivors.  Basically, I just spent three weeks celebrating life, and helping others do the same, a big group three week long birthday party if you will!  I celebrated life by figuring out how to surf and help my fellow survivors get back on their feet and reach their full potential, I don't know if there is a better birthday gift than that.  

I turned 29, getting old, or not at all.  I will say this, with each year that passes it hits me on a deeper level how close I came to not reaching the end of my 20's let alone the beginning and the middle.  As significant the strides I've made in this last year are, I still feel I am coming out of something and am just beginning to reach the potential I am capable of. Every experience I have humbles me, pushes me forward and illuminates the fact hat no matter how much I learn, there is always more to learn.  

I thank you all for your birthday wishes and kind words.  But most of all, I thank you for the support you've given me over the years that has allowed me to get back to celebrating life, not just on my birthday but everyday!  On your next birthday maybe you celebrate a bit more than on any average day, but don't discount the other 364 days of the year.  Everyday you wake up is reason to celebrate!  Wake up and laugh, wake up and be sad, wake up and feel your existence coursing through your vains and know that just being present and aware of what is going on inside and outside of you is a celebration of life. 

         Mahalo!  

P.S. Stay turned for a longer post about Maui!

Home is Where the Saskatoon is

Home, what is it, and where is it?  Going on five months in Saskatoon and I can safely say this is home.  I say that with confidence, even as I am realizing how much of a work in progress it is. Realizing how Millissa and I planned a wedding and my move to Canada, in a matter of a few months, with little thought of what would happen next.  I believe in the end it will only make us stronger, but this summer has had it's challenging moments as we grappled with the reality of being fully, lovingly committed to each other, while not knowing our relationship through and through.  Basically, we are doing everything backwards, making our commitment and then getting to know each other and finding our groove as a team.  I became an old man when I was 18 though and I'll do anything that helps me be a child again.

Millissa and I have new experiences all the time thanks to our newness to each other.  After spending the summer crashing in a friends spareroom we got our own house! But we don't have any furniture.... Yesterday a friend of ours, who has a garage full of furniture not being used, let us paruse and take what we wanted.  Which was great...then Mil and I had to move a giant couch and a dresser.  Mil is shorter than me and the whole robot leg thing doesn't make moving larger furniture the easiest task, but us being us, we just said "go for it!"  There was lots of grunting, but nobody got crushed so that is a plus.  I'm pretty proud of us actually, not just for our physical strength but for our mental fortitude, when you are stressing your body it is very easy to start pointing fingers, but we kept it playful even when Mil was halfway up the stairs and under the couch so we could get it flipped, turned, and jumblebumbled into the living-room.  

Saskatoon felt like home very quickly after arriving here, but Mil and I didn't really have a home of our own until now.  So that part of home is done, minus the furniture part, still going to have to move a couple things.  The other thing that weighs on my mind is career, work etc.  I keep pretty busy here, but there is a part of me that really misses having a job that involves helping people.  At its most basic level that is my sole passion in life, and even as my job in Portland wasn't the most fulfilling, it gave me an outlet to help people improve their lives.  Now, as the summer has passed and the novelty of being in love in a new place wears off, a part of me is starting to wonder what I am doing with the the personal career side of my life.  

For a home to be a truly all encompassing home it must have meaning on many levels.  My father once put it to me like this, "vocation, relation, location", that pretty much sums it up.  I don't know if I would put them in any certain order, as they are all needed and sometimes take precedent over each other.  As I've made clear, I'm good with location, and relation, but vocation is where I feel a bit lost. 

This part of my life was starting to take shape in Portland, but I gave it up for relations, well worth it and no regrets, but that doesn't mean vocation is abdonned for life.  I'm a helper, that's what I've found myself to be, but there are different satisfactions in life.  It is great to do a bunch of hardwork helping friends or family out, but that doesn't give you the same satisfaction that being able to provide for you and yours, through making the world a better place does.  Then there is the ego's part in it too; I want to be out doing my own thing, in my own way, even as opportunities to help others do their thing are readily available.  You can call it selfish or you can call it finding your path.  It's human nature, to find your path and you can't hold back when searching for it, you have to go to the edge, make yourself not just available but vulnerable and let life come to you even as you chase it down.  Sometimes the chase is wild and full of ups and downs, and sometimes it comes to a standstill, but it never stops.  And that's where human nature bites, we want to go to the edge even as we are afraid to walk there, we want it all but we'll hold back even when our destiny is hanging in our face.

Cancer made me grow up and learn things about life at a much earlier stage than is typical.  This held me back for a time as I pursued objectives that were necessary, but didn't mesh well with the compressed evolution of my mind.  A big struggle during college was the fact that it could teach me all the book knowledge in the world, but rarely did it teach me about life, I had trouble staying interested to say the least.  It took time, but after finishing college I began to realize there was no more room for growth if I stayed in Wisconsin.  I love Wisconsin and miss countless people there...leaving home is hard (topic for another blog at some point) but I had to leave.  So I left, went to South Korea, and maybe that was too close to the edge or it wasn't something I wanted bad enough, but I ultimately didn't stay there either.  

What I'm getting at is if you are not happy in your life you are likely not pushing yourself. Which you must do to be satisfied.  First you do it on your own, you keep pushing till you find a way to exist in stability, yet fluctuate and grow as life progresses.  Change is constant.  Than you find that someone who can hold you when the cliff is too high or you are too close to the edge, but will keep helping you grow while you do the same for them.  

Millissa and I both like to live on the edge, that is who we are and one of the things that drew us together.  Look at how we got married and my move to Canada, it's exciting, feels like how life should be, if only it was as easy as making life what it should be.  As the seasons change I'm gaining a hint of perspective on the recent past of my life.  

It's like this, you are walking towards the edge of a cliff and you can't stop walking, that's life happening, which it does, whether you do or not.  Are you happening?  Back to the cliff you're about to walk off..if you don't do anything you'll walk off the edge and that's it.  You're not dead and maybe you'll even do some hardwork and climb back up the cliff, but chances are you are not very happy or fulfilled in life.  But you don't just walk off the cliff, you do something!  You hire a crew of workers to keep extending the length of the cliff so you don't walk off the edge.  Those workers are all the things in life you have to deal with, forget about, be with, love and forgive, some will be massive and some will be minuscule.  Some people will have the best crew of workers and life will look flawless and effortless, others will not have the greatest workers but they will learn patience, perseverance and gain strength while learning how to work with their crew.  And for some it won't matter who their crew is, they'll go so fast the crew has no chance to build and they will fly off the edge, not coping with life.  Others will go slow and before they know it their life is almost over, but they've only made it halfway down their road.  Life is a balancing act, there are times when you will build and times when you will move, and times when you will build as you move.  Life is a contradiction, it is straightening and bending at the same time.  Change is constant.  You can have your opinions and beliefs etc. but life doesn't care what they are, life will not happen according to your beliefs.  You have to be ready for anything, you have to be dynamic like elastic when trying times hit, even as you have to be stronger and more static at these times.  Again, change is constant, don't be shocked if you fall as you stand.

Authentic Existence

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself sitting on the shore of the South Saskatchewan River, wondering what to do.  It was a fairly hot day, but the water was cold and I had spent all the time I could aimlessly floating.  As I sat in the sand I asked myself "what did I do at the beach when I was younger and got tired of swimming?".  That's when it hit me, dig a hole!  It sounds simple but there is technique involved when digging a hole at the beach.  The primary objective is to dig down to the water, but you don't want this to be too easy or too hard, so you have to pick the location of your hole carefully.  I would say three to four feet from the shoreline is ideal.  As you dig, the hole gets bigger and begins to cave in, which leaves you to try and keep it from completely filling in by constantly scooping sand out of it.  Eventually you end up with mountains of sand surrounding your now growing lake.  

When you get bored of slugging handful after handful of wet sand from your hole, the next step is building Drip-Castles.  I credit my brothers Zachary and Andrew with this innovation to beach hole digging, but I may wrong on that.  To create a Drip-Castle you grab a handful of sand out of your lake/hole, then you make a fist and as the sandy water mixture drips out of the bottom of your hand, you direct it where to land.  Slowly, but surely you will create your masterpiece!

After a while some kids took notice of said Drip-Castle, and immediately the questions started flowing, "what is that, what are you doing?"  I explained the Drip-Castle technique, gave a few pointers and they were off!  At this point, I had reached the adult "lay on a towel and relax moment".  As I layed down, I looked at my handy-work and the kids who where now frantically doing their best to create their own Drip-Castles and I was completely content with life.  

Recently, I stumbled across exactly what I am looking for in life, Authentic Existence.  That is exactly what this moment on the beach was.  It was simple, without thought and completely satisfying.  Satisfying to stumble across some kids actually enjoying the outdoors and to pass a strange tradition from your own childhood onto them.  Satisfying to feel the grit of the earth underneath your fingernails and to use that earth to create something new while knowing, like life, this creation is only temporary.  This time on the beach didn't speed up the immigration process, get me a job or pay my student loans, but it filled me with satisfaction and joy.  Which if you ask me is more important than all that other stuff.

So what is this Authentic Existence and how can it be achieved?  It is chickens in the backyard, giant gardens, it is helping people, helping yourself, trying new things and doing old things!  As technology continues to flood our lives, we are beginning to see the negative effects of this and are moving back towards actual connections and interactions with other humans and nature alike.  We are moving back towards feeding ourselves food we either grew or raised or know who did.  We are regaining our connection to each other and the earth.  This is important and required to lead a content life.

I recently spent the day with a friend on her organic farm and helped out with some farm work in exchange for vegetables.  I was very satisfied with this day and as usual found myself wondering why I live in a city.  I ended up with a large amount of beets and cucumbers and didn't really know what to do with either.  My cooking is improving, but is still very basic in most cases.  The beets I boiled and mixed with garlic and olive oil, delicious.  And the cucumbers, I made some quick fridge pickles with, super delicious.  Three jars of pickles gone in about a week, somebody likes pickles and I'm not saying who...

Again, Authentic Existence.  I've often wondered, for sometime, what the recipe is to keeping life exciting yet sustainable.  I had never made these beets or pickles before and even though they were easy to make, it was immensely satisfying to make them.  Which leads me to a key ingredient of Authentic Existence. Do new things, things you have never done before, things you are afraid of, and things you may not think you will enjoy.  These new things don't have to be super complex or take enormous amounts of effort, all they have to do is take you to a new place and break you out of ordinary existence.  At the sametime we are creatures of habit and we like routine, so follow parts of your routine even as you break other parts.  The key to life is to follow rules, breaks rules, create rules, and destroy rules.  

Last but not least, Show-Up!  It is easy to be your best self in moments that are inspiring and require you to be your best self.  Yet, there is no excuse for sulking through life just because you can.  I know this is something I struggle with.  Even as I have moved to new and much healthier places in my mind over the last year, I still find myself not showing up.  It is so easy for me to hide behind what I've been through, to say to myself "I've been through hell so I don't have to be present in whatever moments in life I don't feel like being present in".  This is all wrong though, I get the most satisfaction out of life when I am actually there living it.  There is no excuse for not living your life, so what ever your fears, strengths, weaknesses, and dreams, SHOW UP and have faith that in time your efforts will take you where you need to be.