Everything, Including You!

There are moments in life, when it instentaneously hits you that you are in a place you never would have imagined being.  Moments when, without warning or preconditions, you find yourself thinking, "how did I get here?".  As I'm writing this, the song in my headphones fades out and the Counting Crows "Mr. Jones" fades into the background, immediately what I am trying to capture in writing solidifies in my mind.  How did I end up in Whistler, British Columbia, drinking cheap Canadian beer, listening to a mediocre 90's hit, writing about oddly and reasonlessly present moments in life only to experience exactly what I am trying to put into words?  

Which begs the bigger question, how can one experience such moments?  Two nights ago, I found myself trying to sleep in the backseat of my wife's trailblazer while a friend of ours drove us through Banff.  As I looked out the window, seeing the night sky fly by, thinking of all the things that had happened in the last six months, I found myself not only pondering past events but cherishing the exact moment I was in.  These occurances come from acceptance, you cannot cherish the past, or learn from it unless you can accept it in the present.    

Millissa wrote me on December 29th, 2012, I didn't write her back for a few days and now it is mid-August 2013.  Within the last seven months we have gone from reconnected acquaintances, to Internet romancers, to new lovers and now being married just over four months.  It is funny being fully in love, but still getting to know each other.  We still have many firsts to go through, recently we experienced our first sickness together and of course it was at the worst time possible.  

I woke up on a Monday with a pounding headache and a fever; to say the least I didn't want to do anything but sleep.  The following day we were scheduled to take off on a 17 hour drive to Whistler, BC.  My condition left Millissa to do the vast majority of the travel preparations while I lay in bed.  She wasn't the most excited about this and I don't blame her, but there was nothing I could do. I was relieved to wake up Tuesday morning feeling quite a bit better and ready for a roadtrip.  The last thing I wanted was to send Millissa off on her own.  I was also concerned that she might get sick and if she did I wanted to be there to fill her role to the best of my abilities.

Now, I am sitting on top of Blackcomb Mountain while Millissa rests on the couch at a friend's house... she got sick.  Millissa and I both have a hardtime slowing ourselves down, but the virus we caught gave us little choice.  Sometimes you have to slow down, if you don't your body might make you.  There is a tendency in our culture to push push push and push, to constantly work towards greater "success", while giving yourself little time to actually enjoy your life as you live it.  Making things happen is good, but if you go too far you may start forcing things, which can have negative effects.  Which is why, to enjoy life, one must find a balance between making things happen and letting things happen.  Okay, end of life philosophy tangent, but these are the types of things that are easy to think about while on top of a mountain.

I look to my left and this is what I see! 

 I don't want to leave!  I'm listening to Sigur Ros, on top of a mountain!  Next time you are in a plane or on top of a mountain, listen to Sigur Ros! It is the best!  

These spaces, mountain tops etc. in the world make our connection to nature palpable.  The complex actions of letting go of our problems, and refreshing our perspective on life, become as easy as any number of daily tasks.  The real question is how do you do this in your own city or town?  When you're surroundings are parking lots and highways, how do you connect with nature?  Being on top of a mountain is great, but you don't have to be there to disconnect from your daily routine and get intouch with the natural world that always surrounds you.  Too often we seek the easy way out, and connecting with nature on top of a mountain, while majestic is just that, the easy way out.  So, the next time you find yourself bogged down and feeling outnumbered just look at the clouds, or a tree, anything natural and breath.  Remember that plants and animals, including yourself, are all here in this moment, dependent on the same earth and the sun for life.  Feel this in every inch of your body and know that there is no you and everything else, there is just everything, including you.

You Are ALIVE!

Well it's been almost a month, way too long.  In that time life hasn't been the most stationary, there was a week in Moose Jaw participating in a yoga teacher training, followed by a week back in Saskatoon and then another week driving to and from Whistler, British Columbia.  This hasn't left much time for continuity in daily living patterns, let alone time to write something linear enough that I feel comfortable having people read it.  That all being said, it is now August 9th and I'm not sure how or if I can do do an adequate job summing up the last month of life, but I will try.  

On July 14th, Millissa and I drove south from Saskatoon to Moose Jaw.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting into in attending a Yoga Teacher Training, when I had only been practicing yoga for a little more than a month.  What I did know is that I had nothing but respect for the teacher running the training (Ryan Leier), and that whatever happened I would make the most of the week.  Now comes the hard part, namely describing what actually happened during this week in Moose Jaw.  We have all had experiences in life that you try to explain to someone who wasn't there and you just can't quite get them to understand what that moment in time felt like, Moose Jaw was one of those experiences.  Yet, I know it was different for everyone there.  One thing is for certain, when you take 50 people, put them in a room, and then start stretching and pushing bodies to new heights, old scars in the brain start to soften and parts of the heart that may have been black for years begin to let light back in.  Ultimately, you end up with a group of people who's hearts are exploding anew with presence, joy and love for life.  Here is a tidbit of what I wrote during that week.

You wouldn't think that a transformative experience would occur while lying on a piece of rubber surrounded by fifty other people doing the same thing.  Moving the body in ways it never has before has an effect on the mind, on the deep layers of the mind, on the layers that can tear you apart because you have no control over them.

When a part of you dies a void is created, in the immediacy of loss that void is often filled with pain, sorrow and grief.  To heal this space, first it has to be delved into, understood and accepted.  Only then can it be excavated and replaced with a more positive energy.

Lying on the floor I can feel the difference in energy on my right and left sides.  Where my leg is gone there is pain, my left hand feels like it is on fire, when I touch my fingers to each other there is a feeling like an electric shock.  My hand is uncontrollably bouncing off the floor, over my heart and back, my entire body is convulsing, I'm on the verge of breaking in two, yet I stay, I won't run anymore, I won't fight life anymore.  As this feeling hits me I can feel life reentering, I can feel grief moving to a different place and a part me of that has been lost for years coming back home.  For one final time I am saying to myself, "just because I came close to death doesn't mean I have to act like I am dead."  I'm fully, presently, 100 percent, brilliantly, glaringly, beautifully alive.  I feel my heart is whole, and my entire being is connected for the first time in years.  Everything I want to do I can, losing a leg, my innocence, my youth, losing years to depression and confusion mean nothing in this moment, mean nothing from now on.  Yet, the years of turmoil have given me, in this moment, the wisdom and strength to embrace the grief within me, to bring it close and let it push me forward.  

This all took place after two hours of intense practice followed by 45 minutes of rest; all I was doing was lying on my back on the floor.  When I say my fingers felt like electric shocks when they touched and that my body was convulsing, I mean it.  I layed there for I don't know how long, letting all of these things I've fought against and done my best to push down and out of me come back in, I felt like I was going to have a complete breakdown.  I wanted to get up and run out of the room, I wanted it all to stop, my brain was still trying to fight life but I stayed.  After a time my breath slowed, and I felt more peace in my body than I've felt in years.  

I will say this, you could possibly find a scientific reason for the electric feeling in my hand, and what went on in my body during that 45 minutes.  But that is besides the point.  We spend too much time focusing on the logic and reason of everything only to disconecct our heart, mind and body further from each other.  When in fact, these three parts need to be connected, for us to be who we need to be for ourselves and for the world.  What draws me to yoga more and more is that it is about healing and deepening the connection between the heart, mind and body.  I don't see what the point is of getting extremely physically fit if your mind is a mess, and likewise, there is no point in getting your mind right but not taking care of your body.  You can look at yoga as all rainbows and butterflies, but there is also a fierce side to it, that is what I like.  

Do I feel the peace I felt in that moment on a constant daily basis now?  No I don't, but I know it is there within me and the wholeness of being that I haven't felt for years is growing stronger every day.  This was a transformative week without a doubt, but what it gave me more than anything was the knowledge that I still have plenty of work to do to consistently be the person I want to be.  Working through the loss and grief that I have has given me wisdom, strength and now I am realizing more and more, it has given me power.  Which is creating a further shift in me, to heal I needed support, I needed whatever anyone could give me to get through the most difficult years in my life.  Now, as I feel life bursting from within me I know it is time for me to use the knowledge, strength and power I have gained through facing death and the loss of my leg to give back.  

One of my main goals in life is to always remain humble, but I am realizing that that doesn't mean I must keep my mouth shut and not speak on what I know.  Still, I find myself almost intimidated by the knowledge I have, I don't want to throw around my beliefs on surviving and life etc. and carelessly hurt someone.  What it really comes down to is that when my life could have easily been taken it was not, and due to this I feel it is my duty to use the knowledge/power I have responsibly.  I'm still figuring out how to do this, but what I am suppose to do continues to become clearer and clearer as I continue to embrace whatever life gives me.  

That's all for now.  Another post will be up shortly about the Whistler trip.  Hope you are all having a great summer!

Healing Continues

I've begun to settle into life in Saskatoon and have had an easier time than expected keeping busy.  I still have a significant wait until the immigration process is complete, in which time I cannot work. I plan on staying busy that entire time, but when winter hits it may not be as easy.  Currently I've been filling my time with biking, reading, yoga and hanging out with Millissa, all pretty enjoyable and easy things to do.

I've had a number of these periods of time in life, where I am not able to work and am left with a pretty wide open schedule.  In the past they were filled with tv show binges and all kinds of time wasters.  I'm very determined not to fall into that situation again.  Yet, I find myself struggling at times because I don't have a set routine or a paycheck coming in.  The lack of paycheck is the hardest part.  It doesn't bother me that I am not making money, but it is hard not being able to help support Millissa and I, still I know this is only temporary.  And as much as it feels like it at times, I know a paycheck does little to define the contribution I am making to the world.  So I write...

My parents were in town for four days recently.  It was great to see them and show them around Saskatoon.  I will admit I was a bit worried having not played the host role for my parents before and knowing there is not an endless amount of entertainment available in Saskatoon.  For example, one of the local tourism websites suggest visiting the local landfill if you have ever wondered what happens to your garbage.  Now that sounds like a scenic vacation. We all survived the trip and had a good time even when I broke the cardinal rule of don't take Susan to actions movies.  Sorry mom, that will never happen again.  

It is interesting how roles change as life goes on.  A part of me is definitely used to being the one taken care of, which happens when you're sick and have to be taken care.  I'm trying to grow out of that, especially as I do my best to take care of Millissa.  Having my parents here, entertaining them and watching out for Millissa all at the sametime left me fairly baffled at times.  Millissa has led many group trips so she is very schedule oriented; we didn't have a schedule.  As far as I'm concerned it was a good exercise in patience for everyone, thanks for visiting mom and dad!

It's been almost two months in Saskatoon and the novelty has worn off.  I like it here, there are good people doing good things, I can't ask for more than that.  It is also nearing two years since I left Wisconsin.  I still find myself homesick at times and wondering what my siblings/best friends are doing.  And then you come back and everything has continued on without you.  Social circles have changed and nobody knows who you are etc.  It is strange to feel homesick for a place that was home for so long, while knowing you don't have a place there anymore.  It's easy to be homesick as well when you've been on the go for almost two years, and haven't spent enough time in any single space, for it to start to feel like home.  I write all this now knowing there is a good chance Millissa and I will move and start over again in the coming year.  I really look forward to the day that I know I've found my home.  Then again, "home is wherever I'm with you"-->Millissa!

The hardest thing with all the downtime is resisting the urge to shut down.  I've done my best to explain the complexities of what being a cancer survivor and amputee means to me.  And I'm beginning to realize in its simplest form cancer and losing my leg caused me to shut down, it took a significant part of my identity and I shut down.  I'm repeating myself but for the sake of continuity, before cancer and losing my leg three of the greatest joys in my life were running, soccer and basketball.  Up until recently I never wanted to acknowledge how much losing those three things hurt, but there is a deep deep feeling of sadness in me that I don't believe will ever completely go away.  I feel that sadness more when I am not busy and it tries to pull me down and shut me down socially, physically and emotionally.  I fought this feeling for a long time, refused to acknowledge the hurt in my heart and sabotaged healing by denying what losing everything I lost really means to me.  Now I stop; I cradle this feeling, let it in and man does it hurt, but then it softens and I can start opening back up and living again.  

I've made it my mission in life to continue to heal and grow beyond loss and cancer and help others due the same.  Which is why, starting Sunday, I am participating in a week long yoga teacher training.  I've been practicing yoga more regularly than at any other point in my life and generally feeling pretty good.  I don't know what this week is going to look like and I have no idea the effect it is going to have on me.  What I do know is that I am going to be spending a lot of time focusing on everything that is inside me.  So let the healing journey continuing and I will see you on the otherside!

Then and Now

What are you waiting for?  A question I've asked myself many times over the years.  I sit in a coffee shop, intent on writing but feeling blocked and unsure of what to say.   At this moment, I feel as I felt in January, that it is time to move forward, to keep breaking old habits and to continue building myself into the person I must be.  I feel a deep desire to lead by example, to go out into the world and be a prime specimen of what one can achieve in the face of life's obstacles.  At the sametime, I am still accustomed to the space I have occupied for years, a place where in most circumstances I've been a reluctant example of human will-power.  I am hesitant, hiding in the background, only taking the spotlight when urged too.  Yet, there are things I know to be certain, and a level of confidence I have in myself, that cannot be challenged by anything, because I know exactly what I am capable of.  I know these things to be true because of where I am at this very moment, in comparison to the places I've been in the past.

In the fall of 2009 my grandmother passed away.  I was living by myself for the first time in my life.  And I was beginning one of my last semesters of college.  I don't remember feeling particularly depressed at the time, but before I knew it the wheels of my life had shot off the wagon.   I dropped out of college, sat in my apartment by myself, stayed up half the night, slept half the day and had no strength to open my door and face the world.  Yet, I wasn't afraid, death had already come for me once and I had beaten it back.  I can see now, that that is what this rock bottom moment was about, if I had already beaten death, what was the point of life?  If death could come so close to me for no reason and I could beat it back just like that, what logic was there left to stand on while I was still alive?  In that moment I had no fear of death, and I still don't, I could die today, I really hope I don't, but if I did I wouldn't be afraid and I would die knowing that I did all I could to leave a positive mark on the world while living life on my terms.  In that moment, I was afraid of the freedom I had lost and then regained through winning my battle with cancer.  

I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night, feeling my senses dull, not knowing what I stood for and just wanting to feel something.  I left the house and walked to James Madison park.  I sat there, alone, in the dark, watching the waves of lake Mendota crashing against the shore.  And nothing happend, the world kept spinning and I kept breathing.  I was searching for an external spark, I didn't find it, that's not how it works.

I wasn't answering the door or the phone for an extended period of time.  My younger sister had called multiple times and told my older sister she couldn't get a hold of me.  Corinna came over and pounded on the door, I didn't want to answer it and at first I didn't.  I slunk to the floor, completely ashamed and wondering why I couldn't just open it.  She went to a window... finally I flipped the lock and let her in.  She asked me what I was doing, I had no idea.  I needed help but I didn't want it; I took it reluctantly.  Another moment where I am incredibly grateful for the strong and persistent family that I have.  

That was my rock bottom.  I wasn't doing hard drugs, or anything like that, I was just lost and overwhelmed by my own mind.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and put my life back together.  I am saying this now because I refuse to put my story out there without being brutally honest about it.  I am not a super human who beat cancer and never lost a step.  I lost way more than a step...  I spent years floundering, and feeling meaningless.  Recovery from any trauma is a life long process and the only way to be at peace with that is to accept it.  I put my story out there for one reason; I want to give people faith and belief that they can overcome/accept whatever life gives and takes from them and still live joyfully.

So now here I am, married for two months.  Living in Canada for one month.  The reality of the last half year finally starting to sink in.  Being with Millissa is incredible and unlike anything I've ever experienced.  We make each other happy, make each laugh, drive each other nuts and on occasion make each other mad.  We're really good at pointing out, to each other, all the random mannerisms we've developed over years, to the point that we aren't even aware of them.  Apparently, whenever I don't hear something, I don't say "excuse me, pardon me," or simply "what".  All I say is "huh?"  Which Millissa loves to throw back at me in an extremely amplified hill billyish voice.  I'll be nice and just say that Millissa is the only perfect being I've ever met.

For the last month Millissa and I have been helping coworkers/friends/family get their new yoga studio ready to open.  This is the studio Millissa is now managing.  During this time I've been able to witness Millissa doing what she does, namely working very hard and making things happen.  There have been multiple moments where I see her from across the room, see her in action and I am in awe.  I am so humbled and thankful to have this wonderful, present, strong and intense woman in my life.  As each day passes, our relationship grows and changes without losing any of its edge or excitement.  I am so glad I trusted my gut and rushed head-on into life with Millissa, it is the greatest and most worthwhile compulsion I have ever indulged.  

Last week I rode a bike for the first time in over eight years; for the first time since losing my leg.  Again my mind wants to ask "what were you waiting for ?"  I'll answer one more time, but then I am never asking myself "what am I waiting for?" again.  I wasn't waiting to ride a bike, I simply wasn't ready.  My mind was in a million different places and was more often beating me down, than letting me be present and kind to myself.  Physically, I could of started riding again years ago, but mentally I wasn't ready.  The one thing I was really waiting for, and I don't know if waiting is the right term, was peace.  I was holding on and pushing and pulling, looking for anyway to stop fighting myself, looking for a way to let go of the athlete I used to be and be the strong person I currently am.  So waiting is over, I am where I am, I will continue to heal however I heal and I will be present in the moment. 

The yoga studio openned over the weekend and I took part in my most intense class since coming to Canada.  I had prepared myself, before hand, to be ok with whatever I could and couldn't do in this class.  In the beginning the teacher asked everyone to set an intention.  I set an intention for the class and repeated the intention I have now set for my life, namely to never stop growing and healing.

I told myself I would not be overwhelmed and I would not spiral downward in my mind when I could not do a pose.  I told myself this is for your heart and mind to continue healing, this is for the leg you lost, the stump you rely on, the years you spent depressed and confused, and the truama you suffered through.  This is for healing and growth.  This is for Millissa so you can love her with all your heart.  This is for my parents and my siblings because even in my darkest moments they never stopped believing in me.  And this is for my community far and wide for always having my back.  THIS IS FOR LIFE BECUASE EVEN WHEN IT ISN'T FAIR, EVEN WHEN IT BREAKS YOU AND TAKES FROM YOU WITHOUT REASON, IT IS STILL BEATIFUL TO BE ALIVE!  

That was then, this is now.  Accept who you are, where you are.  

 

Regroup

I've made it through my first couple of yoga classes.  I want to run, to hide, but I won't.  In practice you are often told not to over-exert yourself, as far as I understand straining yourself is not the point of yoga.  When you can't keep up, when doing a pose hurts, you stop, go to child's pose or just lie on your back.  This is contrary to everything I've ever done physically.  My old philosophy was That I never stop playing as hard as I can, I don't care if you are bigger than me, faster than me or stronger than me because my will is stronger than yours.  Poof, gone, I can't live by that stance, not that that is necessarily a healthy or positive way to compete in anything. But, I know it is deeply ingrained within me in some form or another, if it wasn't I wouldn't still be dealing with losing my ability to compete the way I want to after all this years.

So I stop and lay down multiple times, at a yoga class in the park, surrounded by over a hundred people.  And everytime I stop, the same thoughts that have been haunting me for years stream though my mind can't, can't, can't, can't...  Again, that's not what yoga is about.  Still, this is painful and I can see that I am going to have be ok with stepping back and mental regrouping often.

I was having a conversation with Millissa recently, trying to explain how much of a process dealing with the mental side of my physical loss has been.  In those moments, where I am still talking about this, still hung up on this years later, I start to wonder, am I holding myself back?  Is this painful simply because I am saying it is or because it is has been a huge part of who I am?  Am I throwing pity parties for myself and basking in their glow.  Can I simply say it is time to let this go and move on with life and that is that?  I don't think there is a definite answer to that question.  What I do know, is that I do my best to put my story out there in way that doesn't lead people to feel sorry for me.

So that is what it is, what I've said repeatedly of late and what I keep coming back to.  By pushing myself anew, doing something I am not accustomed to, I am going to be spending time with the part of me that has said can't for years.  Legs gone, can't do that, can't do this, can't can't can't.  Probably my least favorite word.  At the same time, the only reason I am in this position to deal with all the can'ts is that I've made a conscious effort to say yes and can more and more often in my life.  Do I really want to sit with this hurt, let it seep into every inch of my body and bring me to the edge over and over again, not necessarily.  But, I know if I don't, I will live with it clawing at my conscious, trying to get out any way it can and that is not healthy.

And now, through marriage, I have another person I need to take into account all the time.  Something I am going to have continually improve on.  Everything I have been through has caused me to think pretty extensively on myself, when you're sick you can do that.  Which means I have to go.  She's is in the park doing yoga again, I've mentally regrouped.  Guess what body/mind?  You can do this!

Moving and Living

Closed up shop in Portland and now doing the same in Wisconsin.  I've been back for over a week, introduced my wife to countless people and sent her on her way.  Now I'm still here, on my own, for a couple more days.  Even though I've been gone for over a year and a half everything feels different this time.  When I left for S. Korea and then moved to Portland it never felt permanent.  I was gone but there was nothing stopping me from coming back to Wisconsin, but my own stubbornness.  That can't be said for the current circumstances.  I'm headed to Canada and I won't be back for anything but a visit anytime soon.  At the same time Wisconsin is my motherland, Spring Green, Madison, the rolling hills and 4PeteSake, among others, are all things that I love and have great pride in.  I will continue to hold all the people and places here close, while taking my energy and creativity with me wherever I go.


I find myself emotionally overcome by all that I've been able to accomplish in the first five months of this year, especially in the context of what I've been through in the last decade.  I wanted this year to be different and I wasn't going to wait around and see if it would be different, I decided to make it different however I could.  Five months ago I started this blog and made some simple goals for myself, be nicer, less judgemental, volunteer and work hard.  I had no idea where that would take me, but I refused to believe anything except that doing good things would lead to more good things.


Now, here I am, lying in my old bedroom at my parents house, with two more nights in the States before I embark on my journey towards Canadian citizenship.  After getting married and being apart for three weeks you would think Millissa and I being separated for three more days, before I get to Canada would be a piece of cake.  It's not, I am amazed at how quickly we have both become accustomed to sharing space.  I don't like saying things along the lines of "you complete me" or anything like that because I believe we are complete beings on our own, yet the ones we love most have the ability to bring out the best in us by simply being themselves.  That is what I miss; Millissa and I being ourselves and existing in our own ways in shared space, while bringing out the best in each other simultaneously.  


Three days really isn't that long of a time.  What is time anyway?  Time and the perception of it seems to get stranger as you get older.  Lets see, not even three years ago I was severely depressed and struggling through undergrad with little hope in the future.  From there I went to unemployed graduate, reading Moby Dick and overstaying my welcome on any and all couches I could.  To working in Madison, to teaching in S. Korea, to Portland and heartbreak/isolation, to thinking "you know what, this is all amazing, the mistakes, heartbreaks, triumphs and defeats, all of it has challenged me and pushed me to the point I am now at."  Still, as we get older and time flys faster, there are moments when I think "did all that really happen?"  "I really did all that staff in the last two years of my life?"  I know I did but it doesn't even seem real, it seems surreal at this point.  I mean there is no one in this world who I would have believed if they told me in January, that by April I would be married head over heals and moving to Canada.  Maybe there is something to deciding that I had to stop waiting to believe in life again and that I had to just do it.


And now here I am in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I made it through immigration with little problem which was a relief.  I was having some nervous moments leading upto coming here and even more so as Millissa showed me around the city on the first day.  It wasn't nervousness about Millissa and I, or moving to a city I've never even visited, I seem to do things like that often of late.  Millissa and I were eating lunch and she sensed my mind racing and kept pushing me till I would open up.  I hemmed and hawed as I'm still not completely used to this married thing where I can say anything, but Millissa persisted because she's great and that is who she is.


Once again, I find myself way out of my comfort zone, a place I'm getting more and more familiar with as well as a place that puts my issues at the forefront of my mind.  Due to immigration and the process of gaining residency I can't work for the first six to eight months I'm in Canada.  During this time I will be doing all kinds of things to keep busy; as Millissa will be managing a yoga studio, one thing I will be doing is yoga.  And that is what I am nervous about. After cancer I spent years in and out of depression, then I spent the last couple years healing and restoring hope in my mind, and now it is time to return to my body.  For a while I liked to think that I dealt with my intense competitiveness, but I'm beginning to realize I just buried it deep within me as I couldn't heel my mind and deal with the mental side of my physical loss at the same time.  And now, I know by doing yoga, by pushing my body, by continuing to heal, that the second I can't do something I am going to feel that pain of what I've lossed, the pain I've been running from for years, not out of fear but because I couldn't deal with it till I found a new equilibrium of existence and restored some of my mental strength.  So now it is time for this next chapter.


I spent my last day in Wisconsin with my mother.  One of the things we did was go and see a movie called "Free the Mind".  Among other things it followed some vets who were dealing with severe PTSD and not responding to traditional treatment.  The vets were put through a week of mindfulness and meditatiom training and at the end a number of the vets saw significant reductions in their PTSD symptoms.  A number of things struck me about this movie, one, I am not a vet but a number of the mental things I've gone through seem very akin to the symptoms of PTSD.  Two, at the very end of the movie there is a scene with the vets and their trainers are recapping the whole week, one of the trainers says, "just live, let yourself live."  That hit pretty close to home for me. In the simplest form what I've been going through can be summed up as, not letting myself live fully and enjoy the simply ordinary moments in life as I've lived with the fear of losing more after losing so much. And that's what it comes down to, whether vet, survivor or anyone else who has suffered or been forced to go through a traumatic experience, that experience wears you down and affects you in ways you can't understand in the moment.  I am more and more keenly aware of this everyday, I can tell when I get up in the morning and I am not letting myself live.  The more aware of it I become; the more painful and freeing it is at the same time.  


I haven't found the recipe for completely opening myself back up yet, but I know there is a reason I've jumped at all kinds of opportunities and moved all over the world the last couple years.  In the moment, as I made the decision to go to Korea, Portland and then Canada, I was unsure of the deeper reasoning behind these choices.  Now, I can see that I've done all of this out of a desire to live and free my mind and heart from the walls I've built  around them.  I wasn't sure how to live again, but I knew by moving around the world and getting out of my comfort zone, I would be putting myself in situations where I had little choice but to live.  It is interesting to look at the past couple years in this context, as I feel I've made some significant progress in getting back to myself and being the kind of person I want and need to be.  Still, I feel there is infinite room for growth and I look forward to the future and continuing to push myself, especially now that I have a partner to do it with.


What all of this leads me to is that I know on a deeper level exactly what I want to do with my life.  I'm not sure exactly what form this will take, but I feel, with what I have been through, I have to/want to help people live after going through trauma.  That is what I know, that is what drives me, that is what I am passionate about.  After losing something, or suffering for years, the last thing anyone needs to go through is years of mental turmoil on their own.  Yet, we all have our own life experiences, and not many people know suffering and trauma intimately, let alone know it, fight through it and then want to help others do the same.  But, I can't bare to think of my fellow survivors, gaining their physical health only to be depressed and frustrated with life for years to come.  Do I know how to stop this, do I have a plan, could I pull someone aside at this very moment and push them forward, probably not, but that is all the more reason to keep studying and pushing forward.  Everyone is different, everyone heals different so I need to find as many different ways to help people live as possible.  One thing I know I am going to do is get a Masters in Counseling... anyway, I'm ranting, but it is a relief to have found a calling that I have no doubt about following.  As usual, now that I have spelled all this out, I am itching to get started.  


That's all from Stoon for now.  You may be hearing more from me for a while as Millissa is the bread winner and I am the house husband!




Cheers, GET OUT AND LIVE!!!!!!!!!

Blogs on a Plane

I’m on a plane, flying hundreds of miles per hour, thousands of feet above the earth, leaving Portland, my home for the last 14 months, vanishing behind me.  The last three weeks have flown by and have included countless memorable moments. 

April 25^th, 2013 marked ten years to the day that I was diagnosed with Osteogenicsarcoma.  TEN YEARS.  It is hard for me to process that; hard to give it any form of concrete meaning.  And then I think about all the things I’ve done in the last ten years, all the times I felt defeated, all the times I wanted to give in and lay down and I know I never stopped pushing on.  If cancer did one thing to me, it made me realize I am a fighter.  It may not always look pretty but I know whatever storm comes my way, I can and will weather it. 

I had a moment a couple days after the 25^th.  I was walking home, the sun was out and it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  I started thinking about the last ten years in the context of the exact moment I was in.  I lost my breath and tears came to my eyes as I realized how hard I’ve fought to get where I am.  Illness wanted my freedom and I said “out of my cold dead hands”.  Since 2011 I’ve moved all over the world from Wisconsin to Seoul, South Korea to Portland, Oregon and now I am on my way to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.  I’ve realized I want a partner in life and found one.  I’ve worked extremely hard at improving the quality of life for countless individuals living with developmental disabilities.  And I’ve made friends all along the way. 

That’s the only thing that scared me about cancer; the possibility cancer would take my life and thus my choice to give my heart and soul to the world and those in need.  Not to mention it would stop me from finding a woman and giving her everything I can.  But, for those of you who know me, if you want to get me fired up, if you want to make me mad, just tell me I can’t do something.  Just get in my way, try and close a door on me and you won’t know what hit you.  I used to have little control over this fire within me; I’m proud of the goals I scored in my soccer playing days, but not all the yellow cards I got.  Now, I would at least like to think, I have more control over my fire.  It always burning but I’ve learned to use it in a more positive and less destructive way.  

I worked up until the day before I left.  Over the last year I have gone from lowest wrung of the ladder to floor manager of a day program for people with developmental disabilities.  It is an interesting field because you are being paid to provide a service to people, but you are also working with the same people repeatedly and providing them with care.  What I am saying is, yes, you are being paid, but you also develop genuine relationships.   While stepping down from my position and preparing to leave I found myself feeling like a father sending his kids off to college.  I reluctantly relinquished my responsibilities and worried, “are these individuals still going to get the same quality of care that I provided?”  I know they will and I’m already letting go but I am going to miss these genuine and unique beings.  When your job involves playing guitar and singing just because it makes people happy, it is a good job.  I could say a lot more but there are confidentiality issues in the field and I wont break them.

I spent my last week in Portland burning both ends of the candle, working by day and saying goodbye by night.  On Wednesday I spent the evening with my good friend Andrew participating in a Lego building contest.  We were given a theme, a bunch of Legos and 75 minutes to build.  The theme was funny.  Besides Andrew and myself there were two other acquaintances on our team.  One guy had participated in the contest before and said all the judges want is to see something funny and ironic.  After they said the theme was funny this kid says, “okay guys, what’s funny and ironic?”.  I almost exploded, “you asking me that is horribly and funny and ironic.”  I didn’t though, like I said I control my fire.  I suggested we build a giant mustache as a joke and they thought that was a great idea, I thought it was way too predictable and not very clever. 

Anyway, I just started building and one way or another we got on the subject of Arrested Development so we went with it.  We had a foot and a half tall Tobias Funke in nothing but jean shorts, complete with a window in the back of his head containing some Teamocil.  I built the sturdiest Lego Stair-Car ever made, complete with a hop-on.  Andrew built the prison containing White-Power/Dirty Ears Bill and George Senior.  He also built the Banana Stand, on fire, with money in the walls.  And to top it all off we found a Lego figurine with a cape and built him a segway…need I say Job?

There were some other somewhat impressive structures but nothing that blew me away.  The time limit came and went and then it was time for judging.  Considering we spent the first half hour having no idea what we were building I thought we did well but I didn’t think we stood much of a chance.  Then the other contestants started coming by, at first they would look confused and then they would start to put it together.  Everybody loved it and very quickly word spread through the entire bar that there was a Lego Arrested Development Menagerie on the back patio.  We WON!  The judge, when announcing, the winners said our piece brought out a lot of emotions, which I thought was funny, I mean come on, it is a Lego tribute to a sitcom, that shouldn’t get you that emotional.  It was great night.

                      Not the greatest photo, but you get the idea.

Then there is Millissa.  Getting married and immediately being apart for three weeks is not the greatest thing in the world.  Still, I am so proud of her for following her heart and getting way out of her comfort zone by going through two and a half intense weeks of AcroYoga teacher training.  It has been an interesting time for us as we are both going through very different yet challenging situations.  Me packing up and leaving Portland and Millissa honing her skills for the future.  Not to mention us both being incredibly busy and on a three hour time difference.  All that aside, I am really proud of us for handling the situation as well as we have.  Even if it is just a few minutes here and there, we made time to talk everyday.  With each day that passes our love grows stronger and I realize on a deeper level that I really have found the woman that stirs my heartstrings to no end.  And now we’re down to two more days until we return to each other. 

It hasn’t really hit me that Portland is no longer home.  I am going to miss a number of things about the city, but obviously since I am leaving it never exactly spoke to me in a way that made me think this is where I need to be in the world.  I don’t know what Saskatoon will hold for me, but I can’t wait to find out.  All I know is that I will keep approaching life with all the vigor I can muster because that is the only way I know.  I know this next chapter in life, being with Millissa, in a different country will be challenging but I also believe with my whole heart it will be amazing.  In closing, Canada, I coming for you with everything I’ve got!