A couple of weeks ago, Ottobock (the biggest prosthetics company in the world), flew three guys to Saskatoon to set me up on a trial of both their running leg and Genium knee.
The first thing I notice when I put on the running leg, is it is noticeably lighter than anything I’ve worn in the past. It feels great! The foot is 100% carbon fiber and there isn’t much to the knee, so no weight there. First I get used to it in some parallel bars and then we head to a bigger room where I’ll relearn to run. The “we” is myself and only about 10 other people who want to see me run. I’m not one to buckle under pressure, I usually ignore it, but it seems to get to me when I return to former physical activities, audience or not. I could walk fast with no problems, but getting myself to take that initial running step wasn’t happening. Lunch time rolled around, the crowd dissipated and I thought “maybe today’s not the day.”
After lunch, the OttoBock reps were going to go over some powerpoint of different knee options and so on. I resisted my strong attraction to Powerpoint and told them I was going to give the running leg another try. This time it was just me, on my own. I started with the fast walking again, then started taking a few more running like steps, got excited, looked up, saw the wall right in front of me, forgot how to stop and crash, hit the ground. I sat there on the floor for a second with complete satisfaction and then got up and got back to it. I ran back and forth across the room, as many times as I could, before completely tiring myself out.
With running there is a point when both feet are actually off the ground, which is pretty natural... when you have both legs. As an amputee it is hard for me to trust the prosthesis when both feet are off the ground and I am landing on it. At that point it is more mental than anything, but already after a few days I feel fairly comfortable with the running leg. Not to say there isn’t a physical side to it.
At first my arms didn’t move at all, then I consciously moved them, but in the completely wrong way. It brought me back to being 13 and 6’ tall, coordination was barely existent. The arm rhythm did come back quickly and naturally so that is a step in the right direction. There is still much to work on with gaining trust in the running leg, but it will come.
After the first day with the running leg I went back a couple days later and ran more at my prosthetics clinic. I started to up my speed just a bit here and there. I got a little nauseous and almost got a side-ache, which was awesome. That’s not a joke. Next I took the leg to an indoor 200m track and ran four laps, taking a break between each one. An above knee amputee expends somewhere between 50-70% more energy walking than a non-amputee. I’m not sure what that number is for running, but it is close to double what it is for walking. Needless to say, I was Exhausted after four laps/half a mile.
Next stop, a quick meeting with a physical therapist in town who trains athletes, Paralympians included. Within in minutes, he had me doing subtle movements with my left hip that had me smiling with excitement and exasperation. It's astounding how much the body can adapt and compensate without the mind being aware. For an amputee I have a pretty decent gate, but I still make compensatory movements to avoid fully putting my weight on my prosthesis all the time; to run I have to stop doing this. But man, it is much more work to fully step over my left side and bare all my weight on the prosthesis, than it is to not think about it and just walk.
At one point I said to the physical therapist, "I don't know why it took me ten years to learn to run again", his response, "you're ten years old". As usual it is moments with strangers making spontaneous statements that something actually gets through my head. I'm ten years old! This makes sense to me, as much as it is scary and daunting. I don't want to be ten years old when I'm 30 years old. I'm also excited by all the possibilities that are out there, and by the fact that I'm physically and mentally getting to the point where I will take advantage of these opportunities.
I know most of the games I play in my head anymore have everything to do with being an amputee, not much to do with being a survivor and a little bit to do with facing my own mortality at 20. I know why I didn't push for trying out a running leg sooner. I've tried to say it here on this blog, I've tried to live it in my life, tried to show the world and myself that I am healed. Made proclamations from the top of the mountain. We all do this, we all want to be done with the hard things in our lives. And even as I've tried to say I'm done with this, and I'm done with that, and I won't proclaim anything ever again, and now I'm just going to live and it will be good; I always knew/know and even wrote this isn't how it works. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. Over and over again. Accepting, acceptance. Accepting that sometimes you're going to be sitting there staring at yourself in the mirror saying "why isn't this over?, I just want this to be done, I don't want to accept it anymore." And that is why I haven't run for ten years. It is so much easier to accept something when you don't confront it.
Life is finicky, it's short, it's long, it's everything and nothing, but it is the most valuable thing we have, so we have to make it worth it. We have to live it the best we can, in every way that we can, one step at a time. Running is a big step forward for me accompanied by a few small and scary steps back. It doesn't matter though, you can't go forward without knowing what's behind you. I will not stop, ever.
