Freedom as defined in the dictionary is "being unrestrained, or the power to determine action without restraint". This is not freedom. If you forgo all restraint and take whatever actions you like, say eat ten pounds of ice cream a day and start running red lights because you don't feel like waiting, where will that take you? Will you be free? No! You'll be dead. If you verbalized every random obscene thought that entered your head, you would end up with no friends and a slew of people who found you completely offensive, unless of course you are perfect. That is not freedom. Freedom is not impatience. Freedom is not turning every hopeful compulsion into action, with the desire of finding pleasure.
How do I know freedom is not all of the above? Well, there was a time when I was searching for meaning and I wanted it fast and easy. I thought maybe I could find it in ice cream and beer, or other things that temporarily took the angst of life out of my vains. You can guess how that worked out. I had some fun, but I didn't find any meaning. The ice cream melts, the beer runs out and you wake up with a headache and an even stronger longing for meaning. Freedom is meaning. Freedom is waking up in the morning and being excited for what you're going to accomplish in the day.
And how do you find meaning in life? You don't just say, "hey, I want more meaning," and the sky opens up and says "here is your path to meaning, it's is bright and clear, just keep walking, piece of cake." If only it was that simple, well actually no, nothing worth it comes easy. Many of us are frantically searching for that thing we are going to do to make the world better and make our hearts swell with joy. You won't find meaning if you don't stop searching for it. You inherently know what gives you meaning, but if you don't stop trying to figure it out, you'll never get quiet enough to hear what you're telling yourself. The world is chaotic, your mind is chaotic, your heart is full of things you need to know, and to hear those things you must have discipline. Discipline will give you meaning, meaning will give you freedom; freedom is discipline, discipline is freedom.
Does your brain hurt now? Why am I going off on this tangent? Well over the last 40 days I have been partaking in a 40 Days of Yoga habit forming practice. This means yoga and five minutes of meditation everyday. It also means taking something out of my life and adding something in, i.e. discpline. I toke out alcohol and added in an attempt to talk to people more. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 40 days, the longest span in close to ten years for me. Alcohol is something I have used in excess at moments in my life, I have gotten a better handle on that over the last few years, but it still seemed and feels like a good idea to give it a rest. I don't think the day will ever come that I don't like beer, just being honest. Regardless, this has been a really good exercise in discipline.
The first ten days were easy. That isn't an incredibly unusual time for me to go without having a drink. As I hit the halfway point I could feel the challenge getting to me. While having discipline in part of my life I don't normally have, I found myself lacking discipline in places where I normally have it. Suddenly, I found my diet going off the rails. Every time I was out I wanted to buy a candy bar and a bag of chips. Or steak, summer sausage and ribs. I wanted salt, sugar and meat, that's it. While my diet is random, I try to eat healthy and balanced, but am not hyper aware of everything I eat. Still, this was not normal.
It is kind of like the Whack-a-Mole game. I smashed the alcohol mole, but the gorging, salty, sweet, meat-tooth mole came up. At first it caught me off guard and I just went with it, twix, kitkats, sausage, pork, chips, ice cream, put it in a blender and pour some beer on top. Mmmm heaven! That didn't happen. I've begun to push this mole back in his hole and am doing my best to keep him there. This time has taught me much about discipline and how much balance and focus it takes to live a healthy yet enjoyable life. If you ask me, the answer is not in disciplining yourself constantly in regards to everything. You can't eat only the über healthiest foods, workout four hours a day etc. and be happy. Likewise you can't do the reverse.
As far as talking to people more, it is another step in getting back to life. I remember around my junior or sophomore year of high school talking to pretty much everyone, not really having a care and then something switched and I don't think I have communicated as openly ever since. That something switching was the beginnings of worldview that was not very optimistic and left me prone to depression, among other things, for a long period of time. This lack of communication was exacerbated by cancer and losing my leg. I am open with what I have been through, but I know at times, more so in the past, I shied away from casual conversation because I got tired of telling my life story. Which can be hard for me to avoid, you don't get far in knowing anything about me without hearing about cancer and the loss of my leg. It permeates every part of my being, every belief I have, and most actions I take.
Making communication a goal wasn't a thought that would have entered my head until recently. I am realizing how much I packed all the intensity of cancer and losing my leg into a solid rock and put it on my back. No wonder my communication was stunted, it is hard to have casual conversation carrying that weight around. I'm still not much for casual conversation, facing your own end will do that. As I've finally bowed enough to this weight for it to roll off my back things have shifted. Notice I said bow, not throw, push, stand or anything that connoted fighting. It took a long time to realize I couldn't push this away with aggression, I could only bring it close, let it in and let it break me. So bowing, bending and throwing myself wide open was the only option I had to move the weight off my back. And even as I did that, I first imagined that this rock was now underneath my feet and I could stomp and jump and it would break. Nope. Again, aggression serves no purpose.
I've wondered for a time now, if I make my life heavier than it needs to be with what I've lived through. Wondered if the weight is really as heavy and daunting to carry as I've made it out to be, or if that is my own mind. I've wondered if the way I've lived in response to cancer and losing my leg is right, or if I really should just be happy to be alive. In the past I've shied away from answering this question, but the other day without meaning to, I answered the question. I've coped and done my best to live well during some difficult times. Am I proud of everything I've done? No. Are there things I wish I could do over? Yes. But I refuse to live in the past. So the answer to this question is of course, yes and no. But the real point is that it is all on me. This weight, what I've lived through, no one but me can determine if I fall or stand. I determine how heavy or light the burden is. I determine if I say "look at how hard my life has been" and then give up. Or if I say "wow, what a lot to live through in less than 30 years" and then get up and run with the opportunity I have to demonstrate the strength of the human spirit. I feel more lightness than I've felt in years, now that I have admitted to myself that no matter what happens to me, it is 100 percent my responsibility to make my life awesome!
So freedom isn't Ford trucks, something someone can take from you, or French fries. Freedom is the ability to choose the way you discipline yourself, it is the ability to have a dream and then hunker down and do the hardwork to achieve it. It is having balance, holding yourself accountable and also saying forget it, doing something completely contrary to your dream, being ok with that, and regrouping and getting back to it in the morning. More than anything it is taking FULL responsibility for YOUR life. That is where it all starts.
