I started last year by setting an overall resolution to be kinder to myself, and to love myself, no matter how often I fell victim to the human condition of feeling less than adequate. Another goal I set for myself, was to do everything I could to get out from under the omnipresent, and menacing storm clouds cancer had left dangling over my entire adult life. These are too pretty broad resolutions, and honestly the first one plays a large part in achieving the second one. So where did these goals lead me and leave me as 2014 plows ahead in disregard of all that was 2013?
Well first off, I would say I did an admirable job of pushing beyond my comfort zone, to get back to life, while also significantly reducing my habitual and self-defeating thought patterns. I still have moments in my head where I am wondering what caused me to take the actions I have, that led me to an either uncomfortable, or unwanted place. In past situations like this I would have compounded the occasion with further thoughts of "Peter, you're not good enough etc.", but now I find myself almost amused more than anything, at the endless capacity humans have to make mistakes. Recently Millissa and I had an amazing grocery shopping experience ...while arguing with each other. A few days later when the dust had settled we realized without talking to each other we had bought four boxes of crackers and about three pounds of olives, now that's a diet that will sustain you! I'm laughing about this as I write it, mistakes are part of the spice of life and they are great learning tools, hopefully you don't have to make them repeatedly. I can tell you I will not be doing any disgruntled grocery shopping in the near future.
There are a number of concrete things I can point to, in regards to blowing those storm clouds away. First, the big one, getting married and moving to Canada to be with Millissa and start building a partnership for life. This never would have happened if I hadn't set my intention in the beginning of 2013 to say yes to the opportunities life gave me to grow and again, move out from under those storm clouds. I've said it before and I'll say it again, marrying Millissa is the greatest compulsion I have ever indulged. That being said, my dad put it this way, "you guys have an arranged marriage, but you arranged it yourselves". As the months have gone on we have found ourselves searching for a groove and adjusting to each other's constant presence. I'm not going to lie and say things are all rainbows and butterflies, there have been all sorts of challenges and the preceding months have been the most challenging. I am not shocked by anything that has come up, especially with the order in which we did things, most people don't get married and then build their relationship. But we are not most people, and my heart and intuition still burn brightly with the same intense love I felt the moment I asked Millissa to marry me. Which brings me to my first goal for 2014, to continue putting my best foot forward in building a relationship Millissa and I can rely on for the rest of our lives.
The other thing I new I had to face if I was really going to get back to living, and which I have written about fairly extensively, was being active despite the parts of my body I have lost. This is something I have avoided for years as the pain associated with the loss of my leg runs deep and had a tight grip on my soul. Before this year I had completed seven marathons on a handcycle and achieved moderate skills in whitewater kayaking, but these were both sports that in no way, shape, or form made me look the loss of my leg square in the eye. It took time and multiple efforts, but in 2013 I quit turning my back on myself and the reality that living as an amputee is. I started biking again for the first time in eight years, I cannot put the joy that brings me into words. I spent an incredible three weeks on Maui defying gravity and altering my own perception of what I am capable of by surfing on one leg. The thing that really did it though, that made me spend the most time with all the emotion and pain associated with my amputation and that still makes me look at the parts of me I uncontrollably want to avoid was and is yoga.
When I first started practicing yoga it was a challenge just to walk into a class, fairly quickly I got over that and have been practicing at home or at the studio more days than not since June. As my practice evolved more specific poses became challenging. And then as I found a bit more stability over time other poses challenged me because, in order to do them I have to engage what is left of my left leg. I can feel parts of my left hip that have been in little use for years now, I can feel the emotional trauma present in these muscles that have been dormant. I can feel such a release at times that my body shakes uncontrollably even as I want to be still. And all this opening of my body and mind really just makes me want to run, but the stronger my desire to run is, the strong my will and discipline to go back becomes. I'm sticking with the philosophy, that some of the most important things you have to do in life in order to grow, are the things you least want to do.
I have also been taking a climbing class for the last couple of months. It is a love hate relationship, as I still don't like being more than a few feet off the ground, but it is sinking its grip further and further into my skin the more times I climb. What can I say, you have to stay active when it is negative 50 and colder than Mars for half the winter.
So those are the concrete external things I've done in the last year, which brings me back to the internal and psychological. The understanding I have of my psyche post cancer/amputation is greater than at any point in my life. Cancer and losing my leg made me feel weak. Beating cancer and falling victim to depression and self-defeating behaviors made me feel weak. All the weakness I felt caused me to spend a significant time avoiding anything that would heighten my awareness to my perceived weakness. Was this wrong, was it right, it doesn't matter. I still want to go there fairly often, I get six feet up the wall at the climbing gym, and I want to quit. I don't want to get on my yoga mat ALL the time, due to the intensity it puts in my face. But I won't stop and the better I know and the more often I confront my weaknesses, the more I will dissolve them because the truth is my strength is as infinite as I want it to be.
Which brings me to the present and what I am shooting for in 2014. After spending a year focusing on loving myself and putting little to no pressure on myself no matter the mistakes I made, I find myself seeking something more. I am beginning to think that loving myself also means holding myself accountable and making sure my productivity and creativity are opporating at a high level. And then the other day I stumbled across this qoute.
"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
― E.B. White
You're right, that is the author of "Charlette's Web", maybe I need to go back and read that book. This qoute basically sums up my daily life and my struggle "to plan the day". Among the many things cancer, losing a limb and spending extended time in a hospital taught me is that it is never too early to cherish and enjoy everything in life, the small, medium, big and huge things all included. Yet, I am 29, and am supposed to have no aversion to working myself silly to achieve the career of my dreams. While in reality, I have no trouble taking 20 minutes in the middle of any given day to read a chapter in whatever fiction has a grip on me, work emails, and future plans be damned. Is this right? I don't know, and to be honest I don't care because I will never feel guilty about reading a good book, if I did, I wouldn't be a writer.
So here is what I am looking for in 2014, balance, consistancy, and discipline. I don't want to continue putting zero pressure on myself and being ok with what I do and don't achieve. That is where the balance comes in; as much as I don't want to put zero pressure on myself, I also don't want to put too much pressure on myself. I think this will come down to looking at what is realistic and making sure it is achieved.
Consistency is something I have struggled with for a while. It ties directly into the pressure issue, I want to apply the right amount of pressure on a consistent basis to achieve maximum productivity and efficiency. Not to sound too business like...
The bottom line is that to achieve both of these previous goals is going to take discipline, another thing I have lacked over the years. Realistically, balance, consistency and discipline all tie into the bigger issue of productivity. That is why I am currently more or less unemployed and you only hear from me once month or so. I want this to change, and I will change it. Just watch, you'll be reading this in the "New Yorker" by the end of the year, ok that is a big jump, but the point is, I'm holding myself more accountable in 2014 order to get where I need to go. Where that is, I'm still not certain, but know it is worth putting in the work to get there.
Last, I hope you guys are readers cause these posts are getting longer and longer, maybe it is time for that book? I want to thank you for reading this over the year and for all the positive feedback I've gotten, I wouldn't be where I am and writing/sharing what I am without your support. It means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep on writing. I hope you all had amazing, inspiring and beautifully holidays! And if you're still looking for some New Years resolutions/goals then balance, consistency and discipline are pretty broad concepts that I am sure you can apply to your life.
Onward and Upward into 2014 We Go!
